Teddy Burriss

Are you Listening to me

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  • One for you, one for me

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    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just Inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

    ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy.

    Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he Thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

    He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me…’

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
    Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    ‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard!
    Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’

    The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’
    When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.’

    The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
    unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the Fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all.. Now let’s
    go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done…?

    They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

    I stole this story from a FB friend and found it online with no author name. Thanks to anonymous

  • Top 10 Posts of 2012

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    I love to write. And, I love to go back and see what I wrote and look for ways to improve my writing and sharing of good stories.

    Here are the top 10 (+1) Posts of 2012 on my personal blog. I loved writing these stories and hope you enjoyed reading them and sharing them with others.

    Let me know which one is your favorite.

    My First E-commerce purchase

    Money Trucks are not locked

    Happy 3rd Anniversary

    I love to get Naked in Public

    Are there Maggots in your car?

    Our Lives need Warmth

    A Great Grandfather’s Gift

    Every action has an equal or greater reaction

    Deadly Lingerie

    Married Bliss – a Sweet Story

    Here Sex, here boy

     

    I took Banging her Boyfriend and Bullshit Bingo out of the list. They got lots of reads, but likely because of the titles and not the content, even though I think the stories were funny as heck.

  • Lawyers and cops

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    Let me set the stage: a Police officer on the witness stand and a hotshot lawyer is grilling him.

    However, once you hear this story you will want to be as sharp as this police officer if you find yourself on the witness stand.

    He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

    Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

    A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

    Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”

    A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

    Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

    A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

    Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

    A: “Yes sir, we do!”

    Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”

    A: “Yes, sir, I do.”

    Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”

    A: “Yes, sir.”

    Q: “Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

    A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

    The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

    The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.

    Thanks to Bob Henderson for sharing this with me thru Facebook.

  • Never underestimate an Old Guy

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    A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

    Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

    Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

    Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

    Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

    Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
    Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

    Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

    About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

    ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

    Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

    The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

    Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

    Don’t ever underestimate us old guys.

  • How to hire a plumber

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    According to an article James Griffin shared on LinkedIn this past weekend you pick a plumber based on the following criteria:

    Do they have good recommendations from other homeowners?
    How long have they been in business?
    Are they adequately insured?
    Do they guarantee their work?
    Are you a member of the Association of Plumber and Heating Contractors

    I have a better way of hiring a plumber:

    My wife wanted a bathroom in our basement, where there is no bathroom yet. I did some research on what I would need to do in order to put a bathroom below our septic system. I found a thing called Macerator toilet. I researched the type of piping that I would need to install, water pipes, vent pipes and the waste pipe connection to the existing septic system.

    I then called my brother-in-law. He is a plumber and knows everything about plumbing. (remember – I’m a Networking Strategist and Social Media Coach).

    I told him what I was doing and what pump, toilet and sink components I wanted to use.
    He was a little concerned about the macerator pump. “You may want to use a regular toilet and bury a septic tank & pump below the concrete floor. They work a lot better.”

    He came down on a Friday afternoon to do the work. Later on Friday his son, also a plumber, showed up.

    These two guys practically did all the work themselves to install the basement sewer tank, sewage pump, and all the pipes. They even put up some of the drywall so I would not have to cut big holes in the drywall when I did that work.

    How to pick a plumber – you have a good brother-in-law who knows that I would have mucked it all up.

    Thanks for all the help guys. I appreciate all that you did for me & Bum.

  • Urgent Notice – There is a lot of money for you awaiting your reply

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    I get an email like this weekly – this one is by far the most interesting. Who ever this SCAMMER is, he/she spent a lot more time than most with this effort.
    Images, Acronyms, even a fairly well (ridiculous but well) crafted Legal Notice
    (FYI – I copied and pasted as is – no editing at all)
    from:  F.B.I WASHINGTON D.C fbidirectoroffice@fbi.gov
    reply-to:  fbidirectoroffice@superposta.com
    to:
    date:  Fri, Nov 16, 2012 at 5:54 AM
    subject:  F.B.I -WE NEED A RESPONSE URGENTLY
         
     
    ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION
    FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
    FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
    935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
    Ref: FBI/DC/25/113/13/2012
     
     
     
     
       Urgent attention needed
     
      We have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in Africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activities
     
    The bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to make this payment from any part of the world to your account directly, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) method to make the payment. direct transfers are difficult and secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) are not  usually made unless the funds are  related to terrorist activities and we ask why must your payment be made in  a secret transfer if your transaction  is legitimate.
     
    We do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your personal account, so it is our duty as an international agency to correct these little problems before this fund reflects into your personal account.
    we advice you to contact us immediately, as your funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody, until you are able to provide us with the dist certificate within 3 days from the country that authorized the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive are terrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to impound the payment and subsequently prosecute you for cross border terrorist financial activites.
     
    based on our findings, our investigative department wish to warn you against some miscreants, hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this wonderful country. By sending out fraudulent emails without our official logo and emblem we shall release your funds immediately we receive this legal document and we will ensure that you receive your payment without any further delay.
     
    Note
     
    We decided to contact you directly by email to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the huge amount involved. Be informed that the funds are now with a top bank in the united state in your name and under the monitoring/custody of the FBI. At the moment, we have asked the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we instruct them to do so, and only if we receive the dist certificate this is to enable us carry out a comprehensive investigation first before releasing the fund to you.
     
    hence, you are to forward your  dist certificate to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, then  let us know so that we will direct you  to the  appropriate  authority to  obtain the certificate then you are to send  it to our office. And thereafter, we will instruct the bank holding the funds, to go ahead and credit your account immediately. If you fail to provide the documents to this office, we will prosecute you and take appropriate action against you for not proving the legality of the funds.
     
    Finally if you truly want to receive this funds without F.B.I troubles then reconfirm the following below
     
    Name………………………………………………….
    Address………………………………………………..
    Sex………………………………………………………
    Contact number………………………………………..
    Country of origin of funds……………………………..
     
     
    Yours Faithfully
     
    SPECIAL AGENT  JUKE  WILLIAMS
    FOR  FBI DIRECTOR
    MR. ROBERT S. MUELLER.
     
     
     
     
     
    cc: general intelligence department (GID)
    cc federal bureau of investigation (fFBIi)
    cc .internet crime complaint center (ic3)
    cc: Asia pacific group on money laundering (APG)
    cc: international monetary fund (IMF)
    cc: international organization of securities commissions (IOSCO)
    cc: international banking security association (IBSA)
    cc: world customs organization (WCO)
    cc: inter-American development bank (IADB)
    cc: national white collar crime center (NW3C)
    cc: bureau of justice assistance (BJA)
    cc: supreme court of South Africa(SCA)
     
     
     
    LEGAL NOTICE:
    Unless expressly stated otherwise, this message is confidential and may be privileged. It is intended for the addressee(s) only. Access to this e-mail by anyone else is unauthorized. If you are not an addressee, any disclosure or copying of the contents or any action taken (or not taken) in reliance on it is unauthorized and may be unlawful. If you are not an addressee, please inform the sender immediately.
     
    AVISO LEGAL:
    Salvo que se indique lo contrario, este mensaje es confidencial y puede ser privilegiada. Se pretende a su destinatario (s)solamente. El acceso a este e-mail por cualquier otra persona no estб autorizado. Si usted no es un destinatario, cualquier divulgaciуn o copia de lacontenidos ni de cualquier acciуn realizada (o no) en la dependencia en que no estб autorizado y puede ser ilegal. Si no son unadestinatario, por favor notifique al remitente de inmediato
     

  • Mass Murder Suicide Pact

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    This is a serious issue

    Deer Mass Murder Suicide Pact

    This is a serious national issue.

    You may think it’s just a natural thing, but I partnered with the research group of The Animal Planet, NC Animal Control and the editors of Gun & Ammo to uncover the real issue behind this serious threat on mankind.

    We have uncovered a national deer Mass Murder Suicide Pact.

    The North Carolina Department of Transportation estimates nearly 20,000 auto/deer collisions a year resulting in more than 5,000 injuries and an average property damage of over $3,000. Nationally, there are more than 150 fatalities a year from such accidents.

    This is not by accident. Numbers like this can only happen with deliberate planning and detailed preparation.

    Every year as our brother-in-laws and neighbors head off into the woods to shoot deer, the deer also assemble and head off to our highways to execute their Murder Suicide plot.

    They hide in the thickets and behind signs waiting for unsuspecting drivers to come down the road at which time they leap out into the street hoping to cause an accident that will cause the death of the driver.

    Fortunately for us, the deer are not trained very well and their efforts fall far short of the destructive levels they hope for.

    Yet, they seem to be getting more creative and cunning.  Often they are working in teams and using their young to distract drivers as larger bucks or does attack from another direction.

    Their kamikaze nature and desire to die as they fulfill their pact is very hard to defend against. Bubba Stenagrason, North Carolina Animal Control and Road Kill cleanup specialist suggests that your best defense is to not drive during this hunting season, or, if you must, consider driving a large vehicle that may protect you from this heinous Murder Suicide Pact.

    There is legislation pending that would force those involved in this Murder Suicide Pact to get registration before each season. The hope is that the registration fees would reduce the number of participants in this horrible annual event.

  • Top 10 Rules of Grandfather Club

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    Another friend of mine joined the GrandFathers Club this week. This club has a specific set of rules that must be followed. I have never failed to follow them myself. If you want to be an honored member of the club, you too must follow these rules. The rules of this club are fairly straightforward and quite easy to follow:

    1. You must change the background picture of your cellPhone to a picture of the kids.
    2. You must tease them about their mother and all the ridiculous baby stuff she did.
    3. You must develop them to be just like you so that their mother will have to say, “Stop being like your grandfather”.
    4. You must teach them all the dumb jokes that your ancestors have said over the past 100 years. (mine is “Rooster, Hen, Pullet”)
    5. You must be able to fall asleep in any chair in the house with one or both of the boys on your lap or chest (recliners work best).
    6. You must be ready to watch SpongeBob Square Pants, Dora the Explorer, and any of the new cartoons that kids love to watch today.
    7. You must want to eat and share candy, popcorn, ice cream, cookies, and cookie dough with the boys, even at 7 am in the morning, despite what their mother says.
    8. You must be willing to stop at a Mcdonald’s, Wendy’s, or Burger King and get 3 Kids’ Meals at a moment’s notice. Yes – you get a Kid’s Toy too.
    9. You must be accepting of going to work, church, a board meeting, or a Rotary with a little baby exhaust on your suit coat.
    10. You must be able to smile like a crazy man any time someone asks you “What’s going on?” Because now you get to say, “I’m a Grandfather!”

  • Enjoy another Weekend with Bum

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    What a great weekend at Myrtle Beach.

    Bum & I hopped into the Mini this weekend and headed to North Myrtle Beach for a little fun in the sand & sun.

    Well, it didn’t turn out quite as sunny as we had hoped.

    On Saturday 10/27/2012 Hurricane Sandy was heading up the east coast. Myrtle Beach was spared the brunt of the storm, but it was still windy & wet. However, Bum & I know better than to let a little wet & wind change our plans.

    We had a blast.

    Dick’s Condom hats

    First stop – Dicks Last Resort We had a great time laughing at all the shenanigans going on here.

    The waiters were rude and arrogant, they yelled & screamed and made people wear paper Condom hats.

    I participated in the rude & arrogant attitude, I refused to wear a condom hat.

    It was Halloween weekend and many of the wait staff were in costume.

    It was quite a fun time, but it was short lived because we had another place to be.

    Second Stop House of Blues – We attended a Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre with 50 of our best first time ever met friends.

    Three people involved in a love triangle of nature got killed while we ate our chicken breast with a leg.

    They died from poison, a knife to the gut and strangulation via mouse cord. It was quite gruesome, but I still got pictures.

    Bum & I had fun with the four others who sat our table.

    One guy had a ponytail and earring. I was convinced that he was one of the bad guys but turns out he wasn’t.

    Third Stop – Comedy Cabana  & Marc Ryan on stage. There were three other comedians who opened for Marc.

    This was fun as well. Lots of wild conversations and comedy.

    The entire audience was engaged and harassed by all of the comedians. Behind us sat three women who obviously were very much DRUNK. They laughed at every single thing said.

    Bum laughed so hard that she had tears running down her face. It was an absolutely fantastic stand-up comedy show.

    Last Stop –  Nascar Speed Park Here I got to ride 5 different go-cart tracks and run everyone in front of me off of the track. I had a blast as Bum sat and watched me play like a little kid.

    We headed out of Myrtle Beach for what we hoped would be a calm ride home. But, nope – we had one more adventure to experience.

    Yep – I was cruising along at a respectable 72 miles per hour in the Mini when up into my rearview mirror came the South Carolina State Police car.

    As a good citizen, I pulled over and took my penalty.

    “Yes sir, I know I was speeding”

    “Yes sir, I know I was doing 72 MPH in a 55 MPH zone”

    “Yes sir, I will slow down significantly,”

    I got a break – he wrote me a ticket for 9 MPH over the speed limit and gave me a $82 fine.

    Of course, I slowed down and it took 15 minutes longer to get home. However, my copilot was happy to see that I learned by my ticket.

    Even though the trip ended with a penalty, it did not dampen all of the happiness we had this weekend.

    Stay tuned – we may do this again soon, sans the cops

  • 97.54% of Statistics are real

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    97.54% of political season statistics are false & can’t be supported

    87.65% of the time statistics are only used to fuel a confrontation

    75% of the people polled believe that statistics that written are more likely to be true. 87% of the people polled doubt statistics that aren’t

    68% US citizens won’t participate in a telephone poll event unless they are getting paid for the time and information they provide the pollster.

    • Rats destroy an estimated 33% of the worlds food supply each year.
    • The Mall in Washington D.C. is 1.4 times larger than Vatican City
    • You have a greater chance of being hit by falling airplane parts than by being attacked by a shark.
    • 90% of New York cabbies are newly arrived immigrants.
    • American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad in first class.
    • A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over 100mph and can kill a fly.
    • Statistics are available for just about any subject. Most of the times statistics are intended to fuel the public opinion about something that is either political

    OK – let me clear something up right now. I made up the graph and the first four statistics and the other statistics came from a joke website.

    What is the point of this? To make us all think. To make us consider the power of the statistics we are reading and to consider the source of the statistics.

    While writing this post I found this question on answers.yahoo.com: “Is there a way to verify statistics given from a website?”

    One of the responses asked this follow up question “[….] Are there any government sites that would validate this statistic.”

    This is so typical. We are led to believe that our governments (National, State, Local) will provide us with real and honest statistics.  50% of us believe this may or may not be true (OK – I made this up too)

    Here are some interesting and humorous quotations about statistics:
    (Found on http://www.quotationspage.com & http://www.quotegarden.com/)

    • There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. Benjamin Disraeli (1804 – 1881)
    • USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. David Letterman
    • Statistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either. Evan Esar
    • Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. Evan Esar
    • Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. Fletcher Knebel
    • A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin
    • There are two kinds of statistics, those you look up and those you makeup –  Rex Stout
    • Torture numbers and they’ll confess to anything.  ~Gregg Easterbrook
    • 98% of all statistics are made up.  ~Author Unknown
    • Statistics are like bikinis.  What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.  ~Aaron Levenstein
    • Say you were standing with one foot in the oven and one foot in an ice bucket.  According to the percentage people, you should be perfectly comfortable.  ~Bobby Bragan, 1963
    • Statistics can be made to prove anything – even the truth.  ~Author Unknown
    • Statistics are human beings with the tears wiped off.  ~Paul Brodeur, Outrageous Misconduct
    • Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.  ~Author Unknown
    • Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.  ~Author Unknown
    • He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts – for support rather than for illumination.  ~Andrew Lang
    • One more fagot of these adamantine bandages is the new science of Statistics.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
    • Statistics are like women; mirrors of purest virtue and truth, or like whores to use as one pleases.  ~Theodor Billroth
    • Do not put your faith in what statistics say until you have carefully considered what they do not say.  ~William W. Watt
    • Then there is the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches.  ~W.I.E. Gates
    • There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.  ~Rex Stout, Death of a Doxy
    • I always find that statistics are hard to swallow and impossible to digest.  The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable.  ~Mrs. Robert A. Taft
    • Satan delights equally in statistics and in quoting scripture….  ~H.G. Wells, The Undying Fire
    • The average human has one breast and one testicle.  ~Des McHale
    • While the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will be up to, but you can say with precision what an average number will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says the statistician.  ~Arthur Conan Doyle
    • A statistical analysis, properly conducted, is a delicate dissection of uncertainties, a surgery of suppositions.  ~M.J. Moroney
    • Statistics may be defined as “a body of methods for making wise decisions in the face of uncertainty.”  ~W.A. Wallis
    • After all, facts are facts, and although we may quote one to another with a chuckle the words of the Wise Statesman, “Lies – damned lies – and statistics,” still there are some easy figures the simplest must understand, and the astutest cannot wriggle out of.  ~Leonard Courtney, speech
    • Statistics are just a way for the mathematician to evangelize his faith.  ~Hunter Brinkmeier
    • The theory of probabilities is at bottom nothing but common sense reduced to calculus.  ~Laplace, Théorie analytique des probabilités, 1820
    • I abhor averages.  I like the individual case.  A man may have six meals one day and none the next, making an average of three meals per day, but that is not a good way to live.  ~Louis D. Brandeis
    • I could prove God statistically.  Take the human body alone – the chances that all the functions of an individual would just happen is a statistical monstrosity.  ~George Gallup

    In summary – Listen to statistics that are important to you – consider the source and if you find them hard to believe – try to validate them.

    By the way – 75% of the people who read this entire blog post will wish that I wrote more.

  • TLB – How active I am on Facebook

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  • Donate to the Imagination Installations Project

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    We have some exciting news! 
    The Imagination Installations Project just launched it’s first mini-fundraising campaign via the exciting, and respected,Kickstarter web site.
    Now’s your chance to be part of making dreams in our community come to life.
    Here is the link where you can make a donation (every $1 counts big!) to help fund our exciting interactive art project —
    Dream Machines….. to be unveiled at Gallery Hop in less than 2 weeks!

    The campaign is only live for a few days, so please take a minute now to:

    – Check out the link NOW
    – Join me in making a donation
    – Share it with your friends via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn (include a personal message about why you believe in this project and how fun it is).
    Why donate and share?  We want to make a big splash at the Imagination Installation’s 1st Birthday Party on October 5th with beach balls and balloons covered in dreams flying around, and fortune cookies filled with dreams from everyday people in greater W-S… aka your friends!
    We’ve been having a great time over the past year collecting and sharing dreams from thousands of people around greater Winston-Salem. Our successes include the Imagination Design Marathon and the Dream Tent we put up at Earth Day Fair 2012.  We have lots of other community outreach projects in the works including a permanent, public art installation for the sidewalk of 4th Street and Trade Street that will collect and share the dreams of every day people in our community using the statement Imagine When…
    Here’s the donation link again
    Have fun….
    Be part of the Dream…
    Unleash your imagination in Winston-Salem.

  • School Hospitality Committee By-Laws

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    Here is a letter that I was sent that is rather interesting, if not ridiculous.

    It came from an Elementary School administrator and was sent to all of the teachers of that school. The name of the school has been changed to protect the school system. Where I altered the words or added to the message, to better emphasis the bylaw, I put my initials.

    I feel it’s ridiculous for a few reasons:

    1. Hospitality is defined as – “The friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.”
    2. The definition of Hospitality is not to collect money and redistribute back to only those who donate.
    3. The focus of this committee does not indicate any generosity to anyone beyond those who donate

    What do you think about this committee’s bylaws?

    REVISED September 2012

    Each teacher is requested to join the Committee with a $25 entry fee. (TLB)

    The administrator repeatedly announced over the PA system, durin the school day, that the Committee dues were due.

    Hospitality Committee By-Laws 2012-2013 School Year

    1. In case of hospitalization due to serious illness that requires 3-4 or more consecutive days of absence, of any staff member, a plant or gift of $25 shall be given.

    2. In case of death of a staff member, a memorial or $100 shall be given.

    3. In case of death of an immediate member of the family of a staff member (mother,father, sister, brother, child, spouse, mother-in-law, or father-in-law), a memorial of $25 shall be given (including auxiliary personnel – social worker, nurse, psychologist,
    cafeteria staff, custodial staff, BUDS services).

    4. In case of the death of a closer relative a card shall be sent.

    5. In case of death of an educator in the school system, such a Superintendent, Principal of another school, or Supervisor, a card shall be sent.

    6. Any faculty member who completes a degree or who becomes Nationally Board Certified shall receive a $25 gift certificate.

    7. The “Teacher of the Year” (TOY) and Classified Employee of the Year shall each receive a $50 gift certificate in the year she/he serves as Teacher of the Year or Classified Employee of the Year.

    If I were Teacher of the Year, I would not want to be tagged TOY (TLB)

    8. Upon marriage of a faculty member, a gift certificate of $25 will be given (auxiliary personnel). (Staff members who have paid dues are not required to give a gift if a bridal shower is given).

    9. For the birth of a baby, or legal adoption of a child, the faculty member shall receive a gift certificate of $25. (Staff members who have paid dues are not required to give a gift if a baby shower is given).

    So, if all of the teachers join this committee, and they have a baby shower – can we all show up without a gift? (TLB)

    10. For retiring faculty members, a $50 gift certificate shall be given at a school gathering.

    11. Staff Christmas party and End of the Year picnic shall be partially funded as determined by the Hospitality Committee.

    This is so only partially hospitable (TLB)

    12. All staff are encouraged to participate in the Hospitality Committee. If you choose not to participate, you may not be included in the above monetary gifts.

    Does this mean that I may be included because I’m special and the others are not? (TLB)

    THE BY-LAWS WILL STAND AS WRITTEN FOR THE 2012-2013 SCHOOL YEAR. ANY OTHER CHANGES WILL BE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF FUTURE HOSPITALITY COMMITTEE.

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  • Little Harry

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    I believe that Harry is Little Johnny’s distant cousin.

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

    Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

    Harry: “9.”

    Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

    Harry: “36.”

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

    Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: “Pockets.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

    Harry: “Pants.”

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

    Harry: “Coconut.”

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

    The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

    Harry: “Shake hands.”

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

    Harry: “Firetruck.”

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

    – unknown

  • Public Meeting Protocol

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    Because of all of the Public Speaking engagements, fans, stalkers, groupies and paparazzi, it has become important to publish the Official Manual of Protocol for publicly meeting @NCWiseman

    1. Do not rush @NCWiseman when he enters a venue
    2. Do not touch @NCWiseman unless he touches you first
    3. Do not yell, scream or holler at @NCWiseman when he enters the venue
    4. Do not offer @NCWiseman any items (including but not exclusively t-shirts, hats, CDs, flowers, food, etc)
    5. Do not ask for photography time
    6. Do not ask @NCWiseman for autographs
    7. Do not share any stories with @NCWiseman unless he asks you to tell him something specifically, then keep the story to less than 20 seconds.
    8. Do not push, shove, elbow or otherwise act like a fool to get to the front of the reception line for @NCWiseman
    9. Do not ask @NCWiseman any non-relevant questions (ie. how is your dog or what coffee did you have this morning)
    10. Do not under any situation, ever point at @NCWiseman.

    This is an official list.  We will update it as needed to insure that everyone understands the appropriate Protocol for engaging in a public setting with @NCWiseman.

    Any questions or comments can be directed to The office of Official Protocol for Meeting @NCWiseman.

  • Bullshit Bingo

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    Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?  What about those long and boring conference calls?

    Here’s a way to change all of that:

    1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your “Bullshit Bingo” card by drawing a square — I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns — five across and five down. That will give you 25, 1″ blocks.

    2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

    synergy                                      strategic fit
    core competencies                  best practice
    bottom line                                revisit
    take that off-line                     24/7
    out of the loop                           benchmark
    value-added                               proactive
    win-win                                      think outside the box
    fast track                                     result-driven
    mindset                                       empower (or empowerment)
    knowledge base                        at the end of the day
    touch base                                  client focus(ed)
    ballpark                                      game plan
    leverage

    3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

    4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”

    Testimonials from satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:

    * “I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” –Jack W., Boston

    * “My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” –David D., Florida

    * “What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.” –Bill R., New York City

    * “The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.” –Ben G., Denver

    * “The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed “BULLSHIT!” for the third time in two hours.” –Kathleen L., Atlanta

    I stole this from a friend named Lynn. No idea who she stole it from.

  • I want my refrigerator

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    Back in February 1997 I bought my first house in North Carolina.

    My wife and I visited the house a few times during the search and eventually agreed to buy it. We met with both Real Estate agents, (the Sellers Agent and our Buyers Agent) and put the plan together.

    Everything went well except for two things.

    1 – Radon test showed slightly higher levels so we had to get a Radon Mitigation Specialist to put in a Fan to suck the Radon out from under the basement Slab and blow it out over the roof. The cost was about $1000, but the homeowner was obligated to pay for this.

    2 – During all visits to the house there had been a refrigerator in the kitchen. During the final walk through on the day of settlement, the refrigerator was gone. I asked the Sellers Agent what happened to my refrigerator. She did not know.

    I told her, “No worries, we’ll settle upon the removal of the refrigerator at the settlement table.”

    We finished the walk-thru and headed off to the settlement table. While driving there with my wife I said, “I want my refrigerator, no if ands or butts!”

    I could go on and on about how the settlement table conversation went, but I’ll collapse it.

    I wanted my refrigerator, they said it was thrown away, my Settlement Attorney made one phone call and got me $1000 as compensation for the refrigerator that should not have been removed. I was happy, my wife was happy, the Sellers Agent and home owner were not, but that was not my problem. Success – I got my refrigerator!!!

    For most of us, this would be the end of the story, but it is far from over.

    We finished the real estate settlement work and I immediately drove to a local appliance store to get my new refrigerator.

    I decided to spend the entire $1000 on a really nice refrigerator. I went with the double door, extra-large one with the ice maker in the door.

    We picked out the color that my wife wanted and arranged for it to be delivered.

    Within two days the deliver guys showed up and brought the refrigerator to the front door.

    Here is FAIL #1 – it would not fit in the front door.

    The Delivery guys had to take the doors off and bring it into the house in three pieces.

    They rolled it into the kitchen.

    Here is FAIL # 2 – It would not fit in the space where the old one was.

    With a little chuckle in their voice, the delivery guys asked me what I wanted to do. “Leave it in the middle of the kitchen, and go away,” I said, not so happily.

    It took me almost a week to cut the countertop, move a top cabinet and adjust the spacer beside the dishwasher to get the refrigerator into place.

    The whole time my wife kept laughing at me.

    The previous home owner threw away my original refrigerator, I got my $1000 allowance for a new one and a week later I got it into the kitchen.

    It’s all good, despite the chaos I put myself thru.

    I do this often and used to it.

     

     

     

  • A gift to be given

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    We all carry the gift of life with us. If you can do it (weight & health wise), please share your gift of life.

    I strive every 56 days to give blood. The team @ the American Red Cross in Winston-Salem make it easy and enjoyable to do.

    They have a system in place that either mails or calls to remind me of my upcoming appointment. The phone calls are always pleasant and timely. I look forward to them emailing or better yet tweeting or Social Media Messaging me my appointment reminder.

    Bum & I try to make our appointments on Sunday mornings.  This morning (7/15/12) we noticed that at least one other person was on the same donation schedule as we are. That’s pretty cool to see there are others who have the same desire to give.

    The volunteers are always nice and know their roles at the Winston-Salem center. I love a good smile on a volunteer.

    The phlebotomist that work this center are very skilled and enjoyable folks. They love what they do and enjoy helping people thru their work at the American Red Cross. They keep track of the people who donate and their lives. Today Ann remembered that my wife and I just had a wedding, even remembered our daughter & her new husband’s names. Great customer relationship skills.

    The phlebotomist who took care of me today was very delightful, enjoyed her job and did it very well. She did her job while still chatting with me and even teasing me as I joked with her. She even educated me on an issue that I did not know about. Don’t squeeze hard while the blood is flowing. Gentle squeezes are much better than the death grip squeeze. Death grips squeezes actually slow down the flow.

    If you are not giving blood on a regular basis – I strongly urge you to go visit the good people at American Red Cross and share the gift of life.

    Tell the team there that I said hello.

     

     

  • Thank you Everyone who made this HAPPEN

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    This Saturday I had the privilege of “marry off” another of my daughters to a great guy.

    We started our celebrations on Friday and a whole bunch of great people helped us make it all happen.

    This is a thank you to all who helped make the celebrations Great  & Fabulous!

    Rachel, the Bride who is one of the infamous Myrtles, had been planning her own wedding for well over 20 years. She arranged all of the support staff and put together a flawless task list and itinerary. The last few months have been non-stop planning, ordering and arranging for a great team of outsourced service providers. (big words huh?) You did a great job Rachel – thanks

    Sid, the Groom and now a member of Boppy’s Stable of Stallions, did as a groom should. He managed his grooms men and gladly did everything that Rachel asked him to do with no disagreements. He never showed any signs of stress or fatigue thru out the weekend. Good work Sid.

    Rebecca (aka Bum), my beautiful wife (of nearly 35 years) executed said tasks list and  itinerary thru lots of hard work and staff management. We all knew our roles and tasks. She toughed thru the little bit of itinerary & service chaos and made rapid fire plan changing decisions like a pro. I love you babe!

    The other 3 Myrtles (daughters) pitched in on all of the tasks with nary a worry or concern. From the planning & setup phase all the way thru locking the door at the hall. I love you girls.

    Marc, another member of the Stable of Stallions, orchestrated a fantastic meal, far better than expected or requested. This guy loves to plan, prepare and deliver fabulous food. He does it with a big smile and a still manages to play Dad to the needy nearly 2yr & 3yr olds boys. Thanks for all you did Marc.

    Oscar, yet another member of the Stable of Stallions, managed lots of logistics and made sure the right stuff was in the right place at the right time. If anyone needed something he would jump in and help out. Even make a 120 mile round trip late night drive to the airport to pickup a family friend or chase ibuprofen to squelch a headache. Oscar also pitched in on the rehearsal dinner as the rest of of us rehearsed. You are the Man Oscar!

    Francie & Alan, my sister & brother (in laws) and their group took care of lots of stuff at both the rehearsal party & wedding reception. They were instrumental in making lots of tedious tasks go bye-bye. They never asked what we wanted them to do, they just jumped in and made it happen. You guys are great – Thanks

    Tony, a fantastic family friend joined us early in the day and turned on dimes as we asked him to take care of this, then that, and then back to something else all day long. You’re a good Friend Tony! Thanks

    Gary Whitehurst put the jingle in the event. He spun the vinyls and disks that we needed to sing, dance and have a Freakin Great Time! He never missed a beat and smiled the entire night. Thanks Gary – We really appreciate you.

    Thanks a bunch for the great images captured by Megan Summers Photography at the Rehearsal party – Lots of great kid pics, laughing and playing all evening. Thanks Megan.

    The professional photography team from Carmon Leigh Photography worked non stop at the scripted and impromptu pics during the wedding. These ladies were a blast to work with.

    Jessica, our delightful and capable bartender managed the bar effectively with a constant smile. We are so glad we added you to the team Jessica.

    Michael Trivette, Big Bro to Sid and the best man, was there at every move to offer any and all help we either needed or asked for. He was a lot of fun to work with as well. He never stopped helping us even beyond the event when we left items behind that needed to be dealt with. I really enjoyed getting to know you Michael. Thanks for all you did.

    Brittany Mitchell used her imagination, artistic flair and fabulous baking experiences to create a beautiful & tasty wedding cake. She had her husband, Tommy & her Dad help her deliver and setup the cake. You guys are the best!

    The florist arranged beautiful flowers, corsage & butineers and worked hard to help us deal with just a few snafus that occur with these things. Thanks for your help.

    Matt Capps, a long time family friend and Associate Pastor of Calvary Baptist Church, provided both an enjoyable and loving God filled ceremony. Few ministers will spend the time and effort that Matt did to get to know the Bride & Groom in order to really share a memorable and meaningful ceremony. Thanks Matt, (Laura & Sol).

    The bridesmaids, my girls and dear family friends, were beautiful and fully engaged in making this wedding a fantastic and spirited even.

    The grooms men are not only loving friends and family, but a lively addition to the celebration. These guys know how to party and have each other’s back thru life. Good People – thanks guys!

    My inlaws, Ray & Reva were non stop in their involvement and engagement with everyone.  Thanks folks.

    Lesha & Sidney, (Sids Mom & Dad) were a pleasure to get together this weekend and thanks for Sid.

    Jackie Gold – thanks for the quick publishing of impromptu event pics – It was a blast to meet you and your family.

    Thanks to the many other great folks who attended & participated and got involved in the celebration.

    I am sure I am missing some individuals, please forgive me. I will thank you in person soon for all you did to help us with this
    celebration.

    Being the Dad of 4 beautiful, loving and spirited women is a blessing. You can’t be an average kind of guy and marry one of my girls.

    I now have three powerful, dynamic, fantastic son-in-laws. My Stable of Stallions continues to grow. I’m a blessed and proud Dad.

    I end this post with a confirmation for myself.

    I am blessed beyond what any Dad would expect.

    Thank you God.