Teddy Burriss

Are you Listening to me

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Category: True TLB Story

  • We Went South

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    20 years ago this week, 2/12/1997, the entire Burriss Tribe, Teddy, Rebecca, Jessie, Rachel, Megan & Lauren hopped in the Honda mini-van and headed south to Advance North Carolina.

    The journey began around November of 1996 with a potential move to New Jersey. However before we made the move north we got notice North Carolina would be where my job would finally be based.

    The move to North Carolina was chaotic and emotional. We left a new community and new school systems into an older community with older less technological schools.

    It took lots of work, patience and prayers to transition the teen age and pre-teen daughters through this change. However, within three months the emotions calmed and happiness began to develop for the entire family.

    20 years later the girls (aka Myrtles) have all moved out of the house and into their own homes and developing families.

    The family has grow significantly to include 4 men (aka the Stallions), 10 GrandWeWaps (grandkids), three new dogs and a few cats and chickens.

    Our network of friends have grown significantly and our community involvement continues to grow in many different ways.

    We all loved Maryland and our friends and home in Monrovia.

    Today, we all love having moved into North Carolina, our friends and businesses we have built down here.

    Thank you North Carolina for welcoming us into this state.

  • New Years Eve Failure or Not

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    New Year’s Eve Failure or Not?

    Last night, 12/31/14 Bum & I went to a local bar for a New Year’s Eve Celebration that failed but was yet a great time.

    Our daughter Megan and her husband Marc invited us (Bum & I) to join them at Classics Bar & Grill in Advance NC, right down the road from where I live. Normally we do not go out on New Year’s Eve, but thought this would be fun to do, so we agreed.

    We got there at 7 pm and there were less than 20 people in the bar. The table area was nearly completely empty.

    After ordering a round the waitress told us that the restaurant was going to close at 8 pm. We all laughed at what we thought was a joke, but, Nope, she was serious.

    On New Year’s Eve, the only local bar, positioned in a community that is poised to explode over the next few years and they are closing early on New Year’s Eve.

    This seems to be a New Years Eve Failure

    While we laughed at what we considered a business failure here is what else happened:

    Repeatedly one lady in the bar kept playing music on the digital jukebox. Each time she swiped her card in the credit card slot she appeared to be twerking with the jukebox.

    Yeah, yeah, I know people dance in front of jukeboxes all the time. This was way different.  She appeared to be twerking on the jukebox. We were laughing so hard more than one of us snorted at the table. Later we discovered it was one of the bar owners.

    When ordering another round of beer we thought about ordering a beer tower. The price was not too bad and Courtney would put our favorite beer in it. However, since the bar was closing in less than 1 hour she suggested that we not order a beer tower. We agreed. 10 minutes later the table behind us ordered one and had it delivered. We laughed thinking there was no way 4 people could drink 12 beers in less than 30 minutes. We were wrong.

    An older guy walked up to our table and wished us a Happy New Year. While talking he said he had two wives and had owned two expensive homes, neither of which he still had or lived in, yet his ex-wives were very happy in “them thar homes.” He said he now lives in a hotel room.

    I wished him better success in 2015. He came back later and in the chat, I told him Bum and I were still married after 37 years. He was so excited, cajoled us into standing up and hugging him. Later on, we saw him dancing with an older woman up near the jukebox. Our barmaid told us it was his mother.

    At around 8:30 pm, 30 minutes past closing time I wanted another beer. Our barmaid came over to the table to check on us. I told her I wanted another beer, but I would not order one if she wanted us to leave. She looked like she wanted us to leave, but agreed that because she had work to do in the back room I could have another beer. Megan wanted another margarita too.

    We joked with the barmaid about a local bar wanting to close at 8 pm on New Year’s Eve. When I asked her what she was going to do after work she said she was going to go home and cook Bang Bang Shrimp. I asked if we could come over and she said yes. I’m a smart man. Bum was there and I knew the barmaid only wanted a bigger tip. She left laughing to get my beer. She came back with my beer but forgot Megan’s drink.

    We finished up laughing and cutting up with the barmaid by about 8:45 pm. We were nearly the last people out of the bar. On the way out of the bar, we saw the sign on the doors. Handwritten on yellow ledger paper, “Closing at 8 pm New Year’s Eve.”

    We didn’t get a chance to close down the year in this local bar, but we closed down the local bar on New Year’s Eve.

    Normally if we were told to exit a local bar at 8 pm on New Year’s Eve we would consider it a New Years’ Eve Failure. However, everything else that happened that night made it somewhat successful, ie – funny.

  • We can all be a Contributing Member of Society

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    “All I expect from my children is that they find a way to become a contributing member of society.” Sometimes I continue with, “It does not matter to me what you do, just do something that adds some value to your community.”  I’ve changed my view of this edict. (more…)

  • Prayers Lifted for NICU Babies

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    Abigail-RosaleeTrivette

    Last weekend (8/23/2014) I spent time in the NICU of Mission Children’s Hospital when our newest GrandWeWap Twins were born that morning.  My second daughter Rachel and her husband Sid Trivette, the proud parents were there with my wife, Rebecca (aka Bum) and two other daughters (Jessie & Lauren).

    Abigail & Rosalee had challenges, yet I prayed and believed that God would guide the good folks at the hospital to safely get the girls thru this period in their young lives.

    Abigail and Rosalee were nearly 5lb babies and born at approximately 34 weeks (full term births are between 37 & 42 weeks).

    While waiting for the nurse and doctors to take care of our girls, I walked the NICU floor and saw many other children that believed needed our prayers.

    That weekend there were 48 babies in this NICU. At least nine sets of twins according to one of the nurses working there.

    As I walked around I saw lots of babies being taken care of by dozens of doctors and nurses. There were portable x-ray equipment moving around the floor, lots of equipment being monitored and medical supplies, drugs and fluids being distributed. It was a very busy and emotional place to be.

    I saw and looked into the faces of lots of anxious parents. I saw excitement, fear and hope all bundled up in the eyes of these parents. I intentionally shared a smile with each glance and often received a smile back.

    I continued quietly walking the floor until I came back to section C where our girls were. I walked up to Abigail and gave her a “Boppy” finger hug. She hugged me back with her tiny little fingers. I walked over to Rosalee, hugged her finger as well and she returned the hug too.

    Today (Monday September 1, 2014) I got an email message from some professional friends at The Green Shoe Studios that reminded me that I live a blessed life.

    With, 9 Grandkids, four daughters and their respective partners and my wife of 34 some odd years, my life is filled with excitement, happiness and love. We have our challenges, but all in all I live a very blessed life.

    When I read the message from Green Shoe Studios and watched the YouTube video I knew I should share it with you.

    Watch this video, listen to the story and then think for a moment, do you too live a blessed life? If you feel the desire, do what you want and can to help Aiden and his family. And, take another moment and lift a prayer for NICU babies.

    Thanks for letting me share this with you.

    Teddy

  • Holding the flashlight

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    I recently heard a speaker say this, “I hated holding the flashlight for my Dad.”

    The speaker continued on with his perspective of this simple little task. He told how as a little boy his Dad always asked him to hold the flashlight while working on various tasks that needed just a little more light.  Fixing a blown fuse, a broken light fixture, switch, or something on the old Plymouth. What he remembers the most was when, (not if) the beam of light drifted from the work area, his Dad would snort which alerted this young man to pull the flashlight back into position. He hated doing this.

    I remember these days as well.

    As a youngster in the mid-1960s & ’70s, I held the flashlight and did many other simple tasks for my Dad.

    I carried and fetched tools, pulled weeds, dug holes, filled holes, used a sickle, swept the shop floor, wire brushed the spots Dad welded, stuck welding rods in the holder (I was always scared I would get shocked), siphoned gasoline, sanded the wood & metal projects, washed the cars, washed engine parts in gasoline, hauled fuel oil for the furnace, scrapped paint, held pieces of metal and wood as my Dad cut them, welded nailed or glued them together, washed his truck, scrubbed the tires, planted potatoes (eyes up) and pulled the electrical wire through conduit. These are just a few of the little tasks that I did with my Dad as a child and young adult. Often as I did these and many other tedious tasks, my Dad stood watching and coaching me on how to do them right.

    Back then I was not always happy doing that stuff.

    Today, I appreciate that I got to do them for a couple of big reasons:

    1. I learned by watching my Dad. I learned to do electrical work, welding, gardening, plumbing, woodworking, and lots more stuff.  I learned a lot.  Today I can do all of these things myself. Not only has this saved me lots of money as I raised my own family,  I also enjoy doing these things.
    2. I learned patience, attention to detail and doing things right.  Dad was a stickler to doing it right the first time. No cutting corners or doing anything just to get it done. Do it right, or don’t do it is what I learned from my Dad.

    When my girls were home I had them hold the flashlight for me. I snorted at them just a little bit when the beam of light fell away from the work area and they pulled the flashlight back into place.  I hope they learned as much from me as I learned from my Dad.

    Who is holding your flashlight and are they learning from you?

    Happy Fathers Day Dad. I love you and treasure the days of holding the flashlight.

  • The long arm of the law got me again

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    Back in August 2013, I got nailed by the North Carolina State police, again.

    This time the mini was cruising along at 70+ mph in a 55 mph portion of Rt 220 North of Greensboro.

    I thought about downshifting, slamming the throttle open further and trying to outrun the Dodge Charger the cop had, but Bum was with me. All she had to do was give me the eye, and I downshifted and pulled off the side of the road.

    The kind officer had a smile and a pleasant voice as he gave me a $30 fine that came with $183 court cost fee for doing 70 mph in a 55mph zone. Crap!

    Knowing that admitting to this would crank up my insurance, I vowed to fight this ticket to the very end.

    I was going to court.

    I got my driving record (downloaded from NC DMV for $12) and waited a few weeks for my court date.

    I got up early, worked out, ate a big breakfast and headed off to Wentworth NC in Rockingham County by 7 AM. Bum warned me about speeding, so I left the house early.

    I arrived at the Rockingham County Courthouse and you would have thought I was in downtown Atlanta. Big brick building with pillars and what looked like gold lettering on the front of the building.

    I knew better than to take my switch-blade and Glock into a courthouse, so I left them in the car with the cell phone. All I had on me was the $213 for the ticket, my driving record, license, and car keys.

    When I got to the second floor, there were already 50 people waiting in line. While they escorted us all into the courtroom another 150 people showed up. They seated us as the clerk and judge setup for traffic court.

    I got to sit in front of some guy who sounded like the phone call comic Willie Richardson. His voice and the ridiculous stories he was telling about beating up a cop, getting arrested for hitting his old lady and drinking so much beer that he passed out as he blew a .057 on the breathalyzer after wrecking his car, reminded me of Willie’s CDs.

    One after another we walked up to the judge with our ticket, license and either our driving record or driving school certificate. The people without their driving record or a driving school certificate were immediately told to go away and come back on October 29 with either their driving record or the driving school certificate. After seeing 15-20 people do this,  I gave up trying to figure out why anyone would show up to court without being prepared.

    If the infraction was a driving violation, the judge would say, “I can reduce this to Improper Equipment. Is this what you want?”

    With no hesitation, each violator said, “Yes ma’am.” The judge would check a box on the ticket and say, “You are free to go. Pay the clerk of the court outside the courtroom.”

    The same thing happened with me, “I can reduce your ticket to improper equipment, is this what you want?”

    “Yes, ma’am,” was my response as well.

    With my eleven $20 bills in my hand, I went to see the Clerk of the Court. “That will be $263, sir,” she said to me.

    My reply must have been a normal response, “I thought the ticket was $213.”

    Her reply, somewhat agitated in a manner was, “Sir the ticket is for $30, court costs are $183 and the charge for reducing the penalty is $50. Are you paying the $263 in cash now?”

    My response, not having all the money and not just a little more miffed at this entire process was less than polite, “Wow, I knew this process was screwed up, but now it’s clear to me that the logic of this entire civil penalty activity is quite ill. Where is the nearest ATM ma’am?”

    “At the sheriff’s office around the corner sir.”

    “Thank you so very much for all your assistance ma’am. I will return.”

    And I did. When I got back from the ATM machine I handed her 14 crisp $20 bills. She banged on the keyboard a little, hopefully saving me from the insurance points, put my $20 bills in her cash drawer and handed me back $17 and a receipt.

    She sort of shooed me away with, “have a good day sir.”

    And off I went.

    $30 speeding penalty

    $183 Court Costs

    $50 penalty reduction fee

    $263 total penalty for driving the mini cooper a smidgen too fast in Rockingham County North Carolina and not trying to outrun a Dodge Charger.

    I’d say I’ve learned my lesson, but my record shows this is hard for me to do.

  • My Offices

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    My Offices

    Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that my offices are every coffee shop and a few local pubs in the Triad area of NC. Here is a map of many of them.

    Here are 10 reasons I like to use local coffee shops as my office:

    1. Good coffee – Always freshly brewed
    2. Ice cold “soda” – one or two a week is not a bad thing
    3. Friendly and good people serving me
    4. Free refills – With the Starbucks Gold Card, I get free refills while I am in the office
    5. Good food in the pubs – a man has to eat, right?
    6. Free WIFI – Maybe it’s not perfect, but generally it works and it’s free.
    7. I am visible – often I get to say hello to customers, prospects and new connections who come to see me.
    8. When I get a chance to say hello, often I am asked what I’m up to. I get to spin this too, “How can I help you?”
    9. They are a more enjoyable place to have business meetings. It’s way more friendly
    10. My laptop has an ad on it – It gets seen by dozens of people every day
    11. Fresh pastries every morning
    12. I’ve done the math – $2 per day for a cup of coffee = max of $60 per month. No less expensive rent anywhere.

    I know these offices may not be the best for everyone, but they sure do work well for me.

    Follow me on FourSquare if you want to know when I’m in the office

    Thanks, @FinnegansWake, @NattyGreene, @Starbucks, @TheGreenBean & @Krankies.

     

     

     

  • I nearly died driving a Forklift

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    It was January 1997 when I learned about Forklifts, inclines, and gravity.

    I was preparing to move my family to North Carolina and had to dispose of a bunch of stuff out of the house. One of these items was the old water heater. Rather than haul it to the landfill and pay the disposal fee, I decided to take it to one of the warehouses of the company I worked for, Lofts Seed.

    I loaded the heater into the back of my little red step-side pickup truck and headed off to the warehouse.

    It was bulky and heavy, but I was able to get it up and into the back of the truck by myself.

    If was a Sunday and no one would be at the warehouse. I called the warehouse manager to get permission to throw the heater in the dumpster. He said no problem.

    When I got to the warehouse I decided to use one of the forklifts to carry the heater out back to the dumpster.

    The dumpster I wanted to put the heater into was out back, next to the forklift ramp that led out of the warehouse.

    I headed through the warehouse to the back dock door with the heater on top of the forks. As I headed to the ramp I started raising the forks into the air so that they would be above the top edge of the dumpster.

    As I headed down the ramp, raising the forks higher and higher into the air, I turned the forklift to the left towards the dumpster.

    Can you see it yet, forks about 12 feet in the air, big heavy forklift moving downward, then sideways on an incline?

    I’m not a physicist, but I quickly learned about inertia, gravity, incline, weight, motion and instant FEAR!!!

    As the forks reached over the top of the dumpster the forklift began to fall over to the right, down the ramp. Fortunately for me, and my desire to continue living, the forks caught on the edge of the dumpster, with me and the forklift sitting at about a 45° angle to the ground.

    I managed to hang onto the steering wheel, hook my feet on the clutch and brake pedals so that I did not fall off and possibly under the forklift.

    The front drive wheels of the forklift were off the ground, so I did not have to worry about it moving, yet I still reached down and shut off the engine.

    I sat there, hanging onto the steering wheel and roll bars as I pondered what to do next. Wisely (where did that come from), I decided to climb up on top (actually left side) of the forklift and jump off, up the ramp. I felt there was less danger than climbing off, under and down the ramp.

    I stood there for a few minutes pondering what to do next. More wisdom arose in me, so I called the warehouse manager.

    “Hey John, this is Teddy. I screwed up. I accidentally flipped one of your forklifts over down the ramp. I don’t think it’s hurt, but there is no way I can get it back up on its wheels. What should I do?”

    There was no laughter in his voice as he told me to, “Go home. Leave it where alone and we’ll fix it on Monday.”

    I apologized for the problem that I created and left.

    About a week later I came by his warehouse for a meeting. We sat in his office discussing a project we were working on. The forklift story came up briefly. He told me that his guys had to get a tow truck to pull it backup upright. I offered to pay for the tow truck. He told me he’d get the cost out of me somehow. He did ask me to promise that I would never get on any company forklifts. I promised.

     

     

  • My Crab Feast going away party

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    I eventually got involved in the plumbing, electronic programming, and production line design & build.

    After the plant was built, I ended up being the assistant plant manager. It was a cool job because of the dynamics and diversity.

    I have lots of stories from working at Neutron Products including Chocolate Cheese. I worked with a lot of good people. We had a good time while making pretty good money for the late 1970’s & early 1980’s.

    I left Neutron Products around 1986 to start my career in computers and technology.

    My fellow employees got together and planned a picnic as my going away party.

    I looked at a Google Maps view of Neutron Products. The Table is still there

    Everyone pitched in so we could buy bushels of steamed crabs, hamburgers, hotdogs, chips, and all of the other stuff needed for a summer picnic, going away party.

     

    There was no public drinking of beer at this party. Regardless, we had a blast. Laughing and joking and recalling all the stuff we had done over nearly the past ten years.

    • Playing poker at lunch until it got out of hand and Jack shut us down forever
    • Kozi’s coke machine going berzerk and spewing out all of the soda bottles
    • Learning how to paint from Old man Walt Snyder (no railroad tracks boy!!)
    • Falling in the Cobalt-60 tank and believing I was going to die immediately
    • Nailing myself to a wooden pallet with a nail gun
    • Getting married
    • Learning Computers, Lotus 123 & Dbase I software
    • Buying my first motorcycle
    • Dealing with the belief that Cobalt-60 radiation was contaminating the town
    • Wrecking my first motorcycle
    • Buying my first new car
    • Wrecking my fourth or fifth car
    • Going drinking with Deore, Stump & Joe.
    • Crashing two tractor-trailers into each other
    • Christmas Parties of the pre-1980’s (PARTY!!)
    • Drinking beer alongside the road at 2 pm or 3 pm each afternoon.
    • The Lottery Winning Failure of 1980.

    Times were different back then and so was the way we celebrated them. We all laughed and joked as we recalled these and many other stories of working at Neutron Products.

    I’ll never forget the Crab Feast party at Neutron Products. It was the best going away party ever.

  • My 6 Wedding Dresses

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    My 6 Wedding Dresses

    How many other men have bought 6 Wedding Dresses

    I bought my first wedding dress in 1978. It is the most beautiful wedding dress I have ever seen. It was far more beautiful because my bride was wearing it for my first wedding. I still have this dress in my closet and periodically I open the case it’s in just to see it.
     
    I bought my next wedding dress in 2000. This dress was just as beautiful as my first one. I don’t remember the conversations about this dress, just that we bought it. I shed a small tear or two and was a little choked up standing beside my oldest daughter who wore this dress as she married my first son-in-law. I love this dress as much as I love my first one.
     
    Six years later I bought my next wedding dress. This dress took quite some time for us to find. I’ll never forget the text message. A picture of a dress with these words, “I love this one Dad.” I had been waiting for what seemed like forever at a bookstore while the women searched for dresses. As my daughter walked towards me my wife said, “She has to have this one.” As requested, I didn’t.  Later on, as I walked my third oldest daughter, in our wedding dress, down the aisle towards her fiancé, I again choked back a few tears, especially as I pulled up her vale and hugged her before I handed her off to her husband. That was a gorgeous wedding dress.
     
    Three years later we again searched for the perfect wedding dress. This search was a little more difficult. I’m not sure why, but we ended up buying two wedding dresses. I was about to ask “Why?”, when fortunately before the words jumped out of my mouth, my wife counseled me, “Don’t ask. Just smile and say OK.” Again, I did as she asked. It made sense during my youngest daughter’s wedding. She was happy and looked beautiful in our wedding dress. My baby had grown up and I was one proud daddy. If it took two wedding dresses to make her happy, so be it.
     
    I bought my last wedding dress in 2012. I expected this purchase to be a tedious task of searching, fittings and more searching. However, after searching Pinterest, online stores and one shopping trip, we found the perfect dress. I was not invited to go on this trip, but I got to see lots of pictures. I remember once or twice being asked my opinion. I’m a very smart man, from my previous wedding dress purchase experiences I knew what to say, “That dress is gorgeous honey. If you like it, I love it.” As I walked with my second oldest daughter, in our wedding dress down the aisle to her soon to be husband, I found it hard to hold back the tear (or two), especially as I handed her off to the new man in her life.
     
    I’m not sure how much money I spent on My 6 Wedding Dresses. It’s irrelevant.  My life has been immensely blessed from the changes buying these dresses has created in my life.
     
    I got to marry the woman of my dreams and 35 years later she claims to still love me. This is great because I love her just as much today as I did the day she wore our first wedding dress.
     
    I got to be a part of raising 4 beautiful daughters. They were beautiful in our wedding dresses, and even more beautiful women, wives, mothers, and people.
     
    I’ve collected a stable full of stallions who are now great friends and caretakers of both my daughters and 4 or 5 of my wedding dresses.
     
    And, today, I’m the proud Grandfather to seven Grandchildren. I’ll drop what I am doing at any time to go help or play with these youngsters.
     
    I probably won’t buy any more wedding dresses, but I’m blessed to have bought

    My 6 Wedding Dresses.

    I first published this as a guest post on Moms on Triad 

  • What would David Michael be doing now?

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    I was three years old in 1961. My family lived in Barnesville Maryland in a small farmhouse at the foot of Sugarloaf Mountain.

    My little brother, David Michael was born on August 22, 1961.

    David Michael died in October of the same year. Just a little more than one month old.

    I don’t remember my little brother, however, I often wonder, if he were alive today, what would he be doing.

    Here is a good guess as to what David Michael would be doing today.

    He is 52 years old today (August 2013). He is living in a nice house in the suburbs of Philadelphia Pennsylvania.

    David Michael’s wife is Samantha. They have 3 children who are now between 24 and 29 years old. All of the children have moved out of their parent’s home and now live with their respective partners in the Philadelphia area. Samantha and David Michael often cajole their kids for grandkids.

    Samantha is a successful real estate broker, who loves her business. David Michael has his own business management consulting business. He is very successful and enjoys his work.

    David Michael loves spending time with his wife, children, and their partners. Regularly all of them gather at one of the family members homes. Each gathering is a party because they enjoy each other’s company, laughing, cooking, dining, telling stories, discussing current societal topics, watching movies and playing card games together.

    David Michael is a community leader and active civic volunteer. He loves to help others and enjoys seeing good people succeed when they try harder than they thought they could and by accepting a compassionate tug up from someone with a caring heart.

    David Michael and Samantha travel frequently and enjoy the vineyards of California, the lakes of Minnesota and Blue Ridge mountains.

    David Michael and I don’t talk very often, we are both busy with our own respective families, communities, and businesses. When we do talk, we pick right up where we left off.

    Often when I imagine what my little brother is doing now I can clearly see that he is in love with his wife and kids, happy in life and knows that he lives a blessed life.

    I compensate for never knowing my little brother by imagining him as a happy, successful, imaginative, passionate, giving and loving person.

    I am comforted for the death of my little brother by my imagination and my belief that God is caring for David Michael as his child in heaven.

  • My evening with a cockroach

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     My evening with a cockroach

    I will never forget this night.

    I checked into the Select Inn of Tulia Texas after a long day of air travel and driving. After getting my room key I headed off to my room. I was looking forward to a quiet night and a good night’s sleep, in a truck stop motel. Yeah, maybe my expectations were too high.

    When I got into my room I rushed thru my nightly ritual, pulled back the covers and jumped into the bed.

    Within a few minutes, I started to doze off. Despite the periodic truck lights peering through the gaps in the curtains as they pulled into and out of the truck stop, sleep was imminent.

    Right before I fell into a deep sleep I realized that I was not alone in the room. I opened one eye just enough to see what appeared to be the biggest cockroach I have ever seen, and he was crawling up the bedspread towards me.

    Because I was still awake enough to control the situation I was in, I did just that.

    Slowly I slipped my right hand out from under the covers. Moving my hand towards my bed partner, I flexed and cocked my middle finger in preparation to flick my guest off the bed. He continued heading my way.

    At the right moment, I let go my middle finger and sent the cockroach soaring through the air. He smashed into the mirror and fell backward onto the dresser with a loud thud.

    This may be hard to believe, but, what I saw next was absolutely bizarre.  He rolled off his back, onto his 6 legs, stood up straight, stared at me and shook his head as if to say, “That’s the best you got?” He commenced heading towards me again.

    I wanted to get a good night’s sleep and had to end my relationship with this cockroach quickly. I got out of bed, walked over to the dresser, reached down to the floor, picked up my shoe and smashed it down on the creature’s head. Our date night was over.

    The rest of the night was uneventful.

    In the morning, as I checked out the front desk clerk asked, “how was your evening sir?”

    “I slept well, despite the demise of my room guest. Please offer my apologies to housekeeping.”

    My evening with a cockroach was short lived.

  • My first Prostitute engagement

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    This is hotel story 2 of 6. This one is PG-13.

    Earlier I wrote the story “Is this a brothel.” This one although not as bizarre, it’s funny to me.

    I parked my rental car at the Microtel in Allentown PA, grabbed my suitcase and computer bag and slammed the door shut. I clicked the lock button on the key fob as I walked towards the entrance of the hotel.

    Sitting on the curb was a lady, dressed in a short dress, boots and looking just a little bit different than a typical hotel guest. I wondered if she was a hotel employee waiting for her ride home, but her attire was not what I expected for a hotel laborer. She did not look like she had done any work, yet. Her hair was all “done up” and she did not look like most people look after a hard day at work.

    I did what I usually do when I walk past someone and said, “Hello.”

    She responded appropriately, “Hi. A great night isn’t it?” I continued walking as I replied, “Yes it is. Have a great evening.”  This ended our initial engagement.

    I checked into the hotel just as my memory kicked in. A few years ago I stayed in this hotel and experienced the prostitute activity, read “Is this a brothel?” I wondered, was this going to be a similar night?

    I forgot about it all as I headed to my room. My mind was on one thing only – I was hungry. I dropped my bags in the room and headed back out the door.

    I walked out of the hotel entrance, thinking about what to eat. My plan was to drive down the street to the Outback. Heading towards my car, there she was again, my prostitute. This time she was standing next to the curb as if waiting for me.

    “Hello again. Where are you going?” she asked.

    “I am going to get dinner. I’m starved.”

    Her next statement caught me just a little bit off guard, “Do you want some company? I don’t want you to pay for my dinner, but I would love to keep you company as you eat. Maybe we can do a movie later too.”

    I admit it took me just a second or two to develop my reply, “That is very nice of you. However, I want to be alone at dinner. It’s been a rough day and after dinner, I am going to bed alone.”

    She threw me another curveball, “Are you sure, I can help you unwind if you want. I’m really good at helping men unwind.”

    Again, it took a second or two for me to find the correct answer, “I appreciate the offer, but I absolutely do not need the company. Have a great evening.”  I opened my car door, slid into the car and waved goodbye as I hit the lock button.

    She barely waved back at me as she looked away towards another hotel guest who had just driven up.

    I wondered if I would see or hear her again later that night. I did not.

  • Is this a brothel?

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    This is story 1 of 6. This story is PG-17.

    I traveled to Allentown Pennsylvania often. The Microtel (4325 Hamilton Blvd, Allentown, PA, US, 18103) was close to the office I worked in, so I often stayed there. The rates were reasonable, rooms a little small, but they served the purpose – crash for the night and get a decent nights sleep before going back to work.

    I remember two experiences staying here, that I want to share with you. Here is story number 1

    I checked into the hotel as I usually do, around 8pm. Because I had already been to dinner, I was heading into the hotel for the evening.

    After wrapping up some computer work (dial-up internet back then – yuk), I read the local newspaper and watched some news. By 10pm I was done for the day.

    I turned out the lights and fairly quickly fell asleep.

    I don’t recall the actual time,  likely after midnight, I woke to noise outside. I got up and looked out the window.

    My window overlooked the front entrance of the building. Lined up in a row were 3 cars. Numerous women were getting out of the cars. All of them were dressed in what I could only imagine as a prostitute looking attire.

    They were hanging all over the cars saying goodbye to the drivers who, one after another, drove away into the darkness of the night. One after another, nearly a dozen women paraded into the hotel lobby.

    I was wide awake now as I wondered, had I made a reservation into a brothel? I had stayed in this hotel numerous times and had not seen this before. Nothing seemed unusual about the hotel staff or the random guest that I saw each time I had stayed here before.

    I decided to ignore what I saw and go back to bed. As I started to fall asleep, another set of noises woke me.

    In the room next to me I could hear what seemed to be a man and woman having a good time. I was blown away that the walls were this thin and or that this couple was this loud. As I wondered if I would ever be able to get back to sleep, I started to get just a little ticked off. My anger did not soar until I heard the next sounds. From the same room, two men started yelling at each other, arguing. I could not hear all that they were saying, but I clearly heard this phrase repeatedly, “My turn, It’s my turn!!!”

    OK, it all came together now. The girls of the evening were not ending their shift, they were just getting started.

    While the arguing and noise continued next door, I called the front desk. This is what I told the clerk, “I don’t care what is going on in the room next to me, but you need to move them before I call 911 and tell the cops that I think someone is getting killed. Got it?”

    In less than a minute I heard the door open into the room next to me. All the noise stopped immediately. I heard a guy yell, “F*** him, who does he think he is?” I heard someone else tell him to calm down. Beyond a few more rustling noises, I heard nothing else.

    Within a few more minutes I heard nothing more.  Finally, all the noise was gone and I laid back down in hopes of going to sleep.

    The alarm went off at 6AM. I showered, shaved and got dressed. I collected my belongings and left the room.

    While checking out I asked the morning shift front desk clerk, “Who are your typical guests?”

    “Regular businessmen like you sir,” was his reply.

    “Did anything unusual happen last night?” I asked.

    The clerk’s reply was, “No sir, the night guy just left and told me nothing new last night.”

    I decided to leave without questioning anymore. I imagined that the night shift does not tell the day shift everything.

  • One for you, one for me

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    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just Inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

    ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy.

    Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he Thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

    He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me…’

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
    Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    ‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard!
    Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’

    The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’
    When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.’

    The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?

    Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
    unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the Fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all.. Now let’s
    go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done…?

    They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

    I stole this story from a FB friend and found it online with no author name. Thanks to anonymous

  • How to hire a plumber

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    According to an article James Griffin shared on LinkedIn this past weekend you pick a plumber based on the following criteria:

    Do they have good recommendations from other homeowners?
    How long have they been in business?
    Are they adequately insured?
    Do they guarantee their work?
    Are you a member of the Association of Plumber and Heating Contractors

    I have a better way of hiring a plumber:

    My wife wanted a bathroom in our basement, where there is no bathroom yet. I did some research on what I would need to do in order to put a bathroom below our septic system. I found a thing called Macerator toilet. I researched the type of piping that I would need to install, water pipes, vent pipes and the waste pipe connection to the existing septic system.

    I then called my brother-in-law. He is a plumber and knows everything about plumbing. (remember – I’m a Networking Strategist and Social Media Coach).

    I told him what I was doing and what pump, toilet and sink components I wanted to use.
    He was a little concerned about the macerator pump. “You may want to use a regular toilet and bury a septic tank & pump below the concrete floor. They work a lot better.”

    He came down on a Friday afternoon to do the work. Later on Friday his son, also a plumber, showed up.

    These two guys practically did all the work themselves to install the basement sewer tank, sewage pump, and all the pipes. They even put up some of the drywall so I would not have to cut big holes in the drywall when I did that work.

    How to pick a plumber – you have a good brother-in-law who knows that I would have mucked it all up.

    Thanks for all the help guys. I appreciate all that you did for me & Bum.

  • Enjoy another Weekend with Bum

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    What a great weekend at Myrtle Beach.

    Bum & I hopped into the Mini this weekend and headed to North Myrtle Beach for a little fun in the sand & sun.

    Well, it didn’t turn out quite as sunny as we had hoped.

    On Saturday 10/27/2012 Hurricane Sandy was heading up the east coast. Myrtle Beach was spared the brunt of the storm, but it was still windy & wet. However, Bum & I know better than to let a little wet & wind change our plans.

    We had a blast.

    Dick’s Condom hats

    First stop – Dicks Last Resort We had a great time laughing at all the shenanigans going on here.

    The waiters were rude and arrogant, they yelled & screamed and made people wear paper Condom hats.

    I participated in the rude & arrogant attitude, I refused to wear a condom hat.

    It was Halloween weekend and many of the wait staff were in costume.

    It was quite a fun time, but it was short lived because we had another place to be.

    Second Stop House of Blues – We attended a Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre with 50 of our best first time ever met friends.

    Three people involved in a love triangle of nature got killed while we ate our chicken breast with a leg.

    They died from poison, a knife to the gut and strangulation via mouse cord. It was quite gruesome, but I still got pictures.

    Bum & I had fun with the four others who sat our table.

    One guy had a ponytail and earring. I was convinced that he was one of the bad guys but turns out he wasn’t.

    Third Stop – Comedy Cabana  & Marc Ryan on stage. There were three other comedians who opened for Marc.

    This was fun as well. Lots of wild conversations and comedy.

    The entire audience was engaged and harassed by all of the comedians. Behind us sat three women who obviously were very much DRUNK. They laughed at every single thing said.

    Bum laughed so hard that she had tears running down her face. It was an absolutely fantastic stand-up comedy show.

    Last Stop –  Nascar Speed Park Here I got to ride 5 different go-cart tracks and run everyone in front of me off of the track. I had a blast as Bum sat and watched me play like a little kid.

    We headed out of Myrtle Beach for what we hoped would be a calm ride home. But, nope – we had one more adventure to experience.

    Yep – I was cruising along at a respectable 72 miles per hour in the Mini when up into my rearview mirror came the South Carolina State Police car.

    As a good citizen, I pulled over and took my penalty.

    “Yes sir, I know I was speeding”

    “Yes sir, I know I was doing 72 MPH in a 55 MPH zone”

    “Yes sir, I will slow down significantly,”

    I got a break – he wrote me a ticket for 9 MPH over the speed limit and gave me a $82 fine.

    Of course, I slowed down and it took 15 minutes longer to get home. However, my copilot was happy to see that I learned by my ticket.

    Even though the trip ended with a penalty, it did not dampen all of the happiness we had this weekend.

    Stay tuned – we may do this again soon, sans the cops

  • TLB – How active I am on Facebook

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  • School Hospitality Committee By-Laws

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    Here is a letter that I was sent that is rather interesting, if not ridiculous.

    It came from an Elementary School administrator and was sent to all of the teachers of that school. The name of the school has been changed to protect the school system. Where I altered the words or added to the message, to better emphasis the bylaw, I put my initials.

    I feel it’s ridiculous for a few reasons:

    1. Hospitality is defined as – “The friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.”
    2. The definition of Hospitality is not to collect money and redistribute back to only those who donate.
    3. The focus of this committee does not indicate any generosity to anyone beyond those who donate

    What do you think about this committee’s bylaws?

    REVISED September 2012

    Each teacher is requested to join the Committee with a $25 entry fee. (TLB)

    The administrator repeatedly announced over the PA system, durin the school day, that the Committee dues were due.

    Hospitality Committee By-Laws 2012-2013 School Year

    1. In case of hospitalization due to serious illness that requires 3-4 or more consecutive days of absence, of any staff member, a plant or gift of $25 shall be given.

    2. In case of death of a staff member, a memorial or $100 shall be given.

    3. In case of death of an immediate member of the family of a staff member (mother,father, sister, brother, child, spouse, mother-in-law, or father-in-law), a memorial of $25 shall be given (including auxiliary personnel – social worker, nurse, psychologist,
    cafeteria staff, custodial staff, BUDS services).

    4. In case of the death of a closer relative a card shall be sent.

    5. In case of death of an educator in the school system, such a Superintendent, Principal of another school, or Supervisor, a card shall be sent.

    6. Any faculty member who completes a degree or who becomes Nationally Board Certified shall receive a $25 gift certificate.

    7. The “Teacher of the Year” (TOY) and Classified Employee of the Year shall each receive a $50 gift certificate in the year she/he serves as Teacher of the Year or Classified Employee of the Year.

    If I were Teacher of the Year, I would not want to be tagged TOY (TLB)

    8. Upon marriage of a faculty member, a gift certificate of $25 will be given (auxiliary personnel). (Staff members who have paid dues are not required to give a gift if a bridal shower is given).

    9. For the birth of a baby, or legal adoption of a child, the faculty member shall receive a gift certificate of $25. (Staff members who have paid dues are not required to give a gift if a baby shower is given).

    So, if all of the teachers join this committee, and they have a baby shower – can we all show up without a gift? (TLB)

    10. For retiring faculty members, a $50 gift certificate shall be given at a school gathering.

    11. Staff Christmas party and End of the Year picnic shall be partially funded as determined by the Hospitality Committee.

    This is so only partially hospitable (TLB)

    12. All staff are encouraged to participate in the Hospitality Committee. If you choose not to participate, you may not be included in the above monetary gifts.

    Does this mean that I may be included because I’m special and the others are not? (TLB)

    THE BY-LAWS WILL STAND AS WRITTEN FOR THE 2012-2013 SCHOOL YEAR. ANY OTHER CHANGES WILL BE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF FUTURE HOSPITALITY COMMITTEE.

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  • I want my refrigerator

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    Back in February 1997 I bought my first house in North Carolina.

    My wife and I visited the house a few times during the search and eventually agreed to buy it. We met with both Real Estate agents, (the Sellers Agent and our Buyers Agent) and put the plan together.

    Everything went well except for two things.

    1 – Radon test showed slightly higher levels so we had to get a Radon Mitigation Specialist to put in a Fan to suck the Radon out from under the basement Slab and blow it out over the roof. The cost was about $1000, but the homeowner was obligated to pay for this.

    2 – During all visits to the house there had been a refrigerator in the kitchen. During the final walk through on the day of settlement, the refrigerator was gone. I asked the Sellers Agent what happened to my refrigerator. She did not know.

    I told her, “No worries, we’ll settle upon the removal of the refrigerator at the settlement table.”

    We finished the walk-thru and headed off to the settlement table. While driving there with my wife I said, “I want my refrigerator, no if ands or butts!”

    I could go on and on about how the settlement table conversation went, but I’ll collapse it.

    I wanted my refrigerator, they said it was thrown away, my Settlement Attorney made one phone call and got me $1000 as compensation for the refrigerator that should not have been removed. I was happy, my wife was happy, the Sellers Agent and home owner were not, but that was not my problem. Success – I got my refrigerator!!!

    For most of us, this would be the end of the story, but it is far from over.

    We finished the real estate settlement work and I immediately drove to a local appliance store to get my new refrigerator.

    I decided to spend the entire $1000 on a really nice refrigerator. I went with the double door, extra-large one with the ice maker in the door.

    We picked out the color that my wife wanted and arranged for it to be delivered.

    Within two days the deliver guys showed up and brought the refrigerator to the front door.

    Here is FAIL #1 – it would not fit in the front door.

    The Delivery guys had to take the doors off and bring it into the house in three pieces.

    They rolled it into the kitchen.

    Here is FAIL # 2 – It would not fit in the space where the old one was.

    With a little chuckle in their voice, the delivery guys asked me what I wanted to do. “Leave it in the middle of the kitchen, and go away,” I said, not so happily.

    It took me almost a week to cut the countertop, move a top cabinet and adjust the spacer beside the dishwasher to get the refrigerator into place.

    The whole time my wife kept laughing at me.

    The previous home owner threw away my original refrigerator, I got my $1000 allowance for a new one and a week later I got it into the kitchen.

    It’s all good, despite the chaos I put myself thru.

    I do this often and used to it.