Teddy Burriss

Are you Listening to me

Category: Re-Published

  • Thanks to my buddy Rick for sharing this with me. Now, I’ll share it with you.

    The nicest thing about the future is . . .
    that it always starts tomorrow.

    Money will buy a fine dog . . .
    but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

    If you don’t have a sense of humor . . .
    you probably don’t have any sense at all.

    Seat belts are not as confining . . .
    as wheelchairs.

    A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . .
    when you’re in deep water.

    How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark . .
    to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

    Business conventions are important . . .
    because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

    Why is it that at class reunions . . .
    you feel younger than everyone else looks?

    Scratch a cat (or dog) . . .
    and you will have a permanent job.

    No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy (or girl) . . .
    who wants to buy a car.

    There are no new sins . . .
    the old ones just get more publicity.

    There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. . .
    like, it could be the right number.

    No one ever says “It’s only a game” . . .
    when their team is winning.

    I’ve reached the age where . . .
    ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

    Be careful about reading the fine print . . .
    there’s no way you’re going to like it.

    The trouble with bucket seats is that . . .
    not everybody has the same size bucket.

    Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . .
    we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

    Money can’t buy happiness . . .
    but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

    After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint . . .
    you’re probably dead.

    Life isn’t tied with a bow . . .
    but it’s still a gift.

    I hope you enjoyed these statements.

  • They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery…….if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor.”

    But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot……they “didn’t have a pot to piss in” & were the lowest of the low

    Here are some facts about the 1500s:

    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell.

    Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.

    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

    Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof… Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

    There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.”

    The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

    In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

    Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.”

    They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

    Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

    Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

    They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

    England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins was found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

    So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

    Whoever said History was boring

  • Halloween Costume Story

    I found this on a Facebook post from a friend.

    Funny Halloween Costume Story

    A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

    Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

    She asked him, “did you dance much?”
    He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”

    Halloween Costume Story – could this happen to you?

    Author unknown

    Do you have a Halloween Costume Story?

  • If any of these stories below are about you, please call me and admit to it.

    A friend sent this to me via email. I could not confirm it’s on Darwin Awards page yet.

    Yes, it is that time again for the Darwin Awards.
    Read below and just shake your head in wonder.

    Here is the glorious winner:

    1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
    excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
    you money, is a crime committed?]

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from”

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

    **Remember – They walk among us

  • A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

    The little boy says ”It’s dark in here”
    The man replies ”Yes, it is”
    Boy – “I have a baseball.”
    Man – “That’s nice.”
    Boy – “Want to buy it?”
    Man – “No, thanks.”
    Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
    Man – “OK, how much?”
    Boy – “$250”

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
    Boy – “Dark in here.”
    Man – “Yes, it is.”
    Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
    The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
    “How much?”
    Boy – “$750”
    Man – “Fine.”

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab
    your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
    The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
    The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
    Boy – “$1,000”

    The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, “Dark in here.”

    The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!”

  • Awesome!!  We complain about the cross we bear but don’t  realize

    it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can’t.

    Whatever your cross, whatever your  pain,
    there will always be sunshine, after the rain.

    Perhaps you may stumble,  perhaps even fall;
    But God’s always ready, to answer your call.

    He knows every  heartache, sees every tear,
    a word from His lips, can calm every fear.

    Your sorrows  may linger, throughout the night,
    But suddenly vanish dawn’s early light.

    The Savior is waiting, somewhere  above,
    to give you His grace, and send you  His love.

    God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

    And you question   God -why me?
    Always look at the bigger picture.
    A day without the Lord – Is a day wasted.
    God is going to shift things around for you today
    and let things work in your favor.

    I got this message from an email to me. I can not find the original source, so here is Thanks to whoever created it.

  • I love to write. And, I love to go back and see what I wrote and look for ways to improve my writing and sharing of good stories.

    Here are the top 10 (+1) Posts of 2012 on my personal blog. I loved writing these stories and hope you enjoyed reading them and sharing them with others.

    Let me know which one is your favorite.

    My First E-commerce purchase

    Money Trucks are not locked

    Happy 3rd Anniversary

    I love to get Naked in Public

    Are there Maggots in your car?

    Our Lives need Warmth

    A Great Grandfather’s Gift

    Every action has an equal or greater reaction

    Deadly Lingerie

    Married Bliss – a Sweet Story

    Here Sex, here boy

     

    I took Banging her Boyfriend and Bullshit Bingo out of the list. They got lots of reads, but likely because of the titles and not the content, even though I think the stories were funny as heck.

  • Let me set the stage: a Police officer on the witness stand and a hotshot lawyer is grilling him.

    However, once you hear this story you will want to be as sharp as this police officer if you find yourself on the witness stand.

    He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

    Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

    A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

    Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”

    A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

    Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

    A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

    Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

    A: “Yes sir, we do!”

    Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”

    A: “Yes, sir, I do.”

    Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”

    A: “Yes, sir.”

    Q: “Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

    A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

    The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

    The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.

    Thanks to Bob Henderson for sharing this with me thru Facebook.

  • I believe that Harry is Little Johnny’s distant cousin.

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

    Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

    Harry: “9.”

    Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

    Harry: “36.”

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

    Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: “Pockets.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

    Harry: “Pants.”

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

    Harry: “Coconut.”

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

    The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

    Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

    Harry: “Shake hands.”

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

    Harry: “Firetruck.”

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

    – unknown

  • Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?  What about those long and boring conference calls?

    Here’s a way to change all of that:

    1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your “Bullshit Bingo” card by drawing a square — I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns — five across and five down. That will give you 25, 1″ blocks.

    2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

    synergy                                      strategic fit
    core competencies                  best practice
    bottom line                                revisit
    take that off-line                     24/7
    out of the loop                           benchmark
    value-added                               proactive
    win-win                                      think outside the box
    fast track                                     result-driven
    mindset                                       empower (or empowerment)
    knowledge base                        at the end of the day
    touch base                                  client focus(ed)
    ballpark                                      game plan
    leverage

    3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

    4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”

    Testimonials from satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:

    * “I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” –Jack W., Boston

    * “My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” –David D., Florida

    * “What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.” –Bill R., New York City

    * “The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.” –Ben G., Denver

    * “The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed “BULLSHIT!” for the third time in two hours.” –Kathleen L., Atlanta

    I stole this from a friend named Lynn. No idea who she stole it from.

  • When ever you feel that the day to day challenges have got you beat, remember, when all is said and done you only have 2 things to really worry about

    If you have “good” health or “bad” health. If you have “good” health, you really have nothing to worry about.

    If you have “bad” health, then you only have 2 things to worry about.

    If you’re going to live or if you’re going to die. If you’re going to live, you really have nothing to worry about.

    If you’re going to die, well, then you really only have 2 things to worry about.

    If you’re going to heaven, or if you’re going to hell. If you’re going to heaven, you really have nothing to worry about.

    But if you’re going to hell, well, then you’ll be spending so much time catching up with old friends, that you won’t have anything to worry about.

    Remember, you only have 2 things to really worry about.

  • I stole these jokes from a www.myce.com a website about technology and gadgets.

    A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
    A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
    A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
    Acupuncture is a jab well done.
    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
    Dijon vu – the same mustard as before..
    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    Every calendar’s days are numbered..
    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
    Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
    Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
    Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
    Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
    She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
    Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
    When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

  • One day soon, every horse barn will have saddles, harnesses, grain, hay and an Ipad for each horse.

    Believe me – I saw it on the internet

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h57yh2AarNw

  • Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!”

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday.

    Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.”

    I stole this story from a friends Facebook wall – Thanks Ed.
  • A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call ASAP, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.

    He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor. Once seeing him, the dad yelled:
    “Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have a sense of responsibility?”

    The doctor smiled and said:
    “I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call…… And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”

    “Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily

    The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Bible “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”. Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”

    “Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.

    The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank God! Your son is saved!”

    And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running. “If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”

    “Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.

    The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery. And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”

    NEVER JUDGE ANYONE because you never know how their life is and as to what is happening or what they’re going through.

    I got this story from a friend on Facebook.  It may not be true, but it is worthy of thought. I wish he had told me the source.

  • A retired friend sent this out today – I like it, despite the fact that I am not yet retired.  I’m just pretending for a while

    Here are the reasons that I enjoy Retirement:

    Question: How many days in a week?

    Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

    Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
    Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

    Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb?
    Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

    Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
    Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

    Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
    Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

    Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
    Answer: Tied shoes.

    Question:  Why do retirees count pennies?
    Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time.

    Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
    Answer: NUTS!

    Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
    Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

    Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
    Answer: Normal

    Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
    Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

    Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
    Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

    Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
    Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

    And, my very favorite….

    QUESTION: What do you do all week?
    Answer:  Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

  • Here is a statistic about men’s thoughts according to a Saturday evening news program called SNL:

    Men think about:

    • Sex 19 times a day
    • Sleeping 18 times a day
    • Food 11 times a day

    So, accordingly men have 48 detailed thoughts each day.

    My wife thinks this is so funny.

  • My Positive Attitude

    This guy nailed it for me.

    Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.

    It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home a relationship.

    The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

    The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.

    TLB – So I play off My Positive Attitude

    I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you, we are in charge of our Attitudes.

    Thanks to my good friend Charles R. Swindoll, American Writer & Clergyman, (b.1934) for sharing this with me.

    In order to maintain my positive attitude every day, I wake up and say this to myself every morning, “I am unbelievably fantastic, hovering near ecstasy. Right now it’s not chemically induced.”

    I have My Positive Attitude statement do you have yours?

    Come up with your own positive statement for the mornings and say it to yourself every day.

  • I saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But you didn’t see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.

    I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk. But you didn’t see me playing Santa at the local mall.

    I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant. But you didn’t see me, attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.

    I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I drove by. But you didn’t see me, driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.

    I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children. But you didn’t see me when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.

    I saw you stare at my long hair. But you didn’t see me and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.

    I saw you roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves. But you didn’t see me and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.

    I saw you look in fright at my tattoos. But you didn’t see me cry as my children where born and have their name written over and in my heart.
    I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere. But you didn’t see me going home to be with my family.

    I saw you complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be. But you didn’t see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.
    I saw you yelling at your kids in the car. But you didn’t see me pat my child’s hands, knowing he was safe behind me.

    I saw you reading the map as you drove down the road. But you didn’t see me squeeze my wife’s leg when she told me to take the next turn.

    I saw you race down the road in the rain. But you didn’t see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.

    I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But, you didn’t see me trying to turn right.

    I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But you didn’t see me leave the road.

    I saw you waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But you didn’t see me. I wasn’t there.

    I saw you go home to your family. But you didn’t see me. Because I died that day you cut me off.

    I was just a guy on a motorcycle. A person with friends and family, just like you. But, you didn’t see me.

    I read this on Facebook in Sept 2011 and felt the urge to share it with everyone / TLB

  • I updated this story because I found a more appropriate image of Deadly Lingerie.

    A husband walks into  Victoria Secret to purchase a sheer negligee  for his  wife.

    He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to  $500 in  price — the more sheer, the higher the price.

    He opts for the sheerest  item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

    He presents it to his wife  and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs, the wife thinks  (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea … it’s so sheer that it might as  well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modelling naked, return it  tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.?

    She appears naked on the  balcony and strikes a pose.

    The husband says,………… “Good  Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”.

    He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.

    The  coffin will be closed.

    Thanks to my buddy Patrick for telling me this story