Did you really expect me to have the lights on?
Happy April Fools Day!
Teddy Burriss
Are you Listening to me
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Category: Personal Humor
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I need to hire a Real Estate Agent.
I am not sure what I want to buy or which house I am going to sell.
Real Estate Agents have more certification acronyms than doctors do. I don’t know what Acronym offers the best certification; therefore, I want to find a real estate agent with all of these certifications.
I will not do business with a real estate agent that does not have all of these acronyms on their business card, Facebook Profile, LinkedIn Profile, Twitter Profile, Blog Profile or Google+ Profile. I figure I’ll get the right agent if they have all the certs.
If you know this person, have them contact me.
They must have all of the certifications listed below:
ABR®, AHWD, A-REOTM, CCIM®, CDPE©, CDRS, CIAS™, CIPS, CNHS, CRB®, CRS®, e-PRO®, GRI, PMN, QSC® , RCC, RSPS, SRES®, TRC, ICREA
Even though I am joking about this, I truly wonder who benefits the most from so many different certifications.
I believe in certifications, to some degree, but I am so confused about all of these certifications and wonder if anyone else is as confused.
Furthermore, I am not a big fan of all of these certification acronyms being smattered all over business cards, & Social Media profiles. It looks so horrible.
Teddy SME, BF, NFME, PSP, CCTC, Freak®
For those who are now wondering I am:
SME – Social Media Extraordinaire
BF –Blogging Fanatic
NFME – Networking for Mutual Benefit Extravert
PSP – Public Speaking Professional
CCTC –Certified Career Transition Coach
Freak – yeah, just Freak. -
Another friend of mine joined the GrandFathers Club this week. This club has a specific set of rules that must be followed. I have never failed to follow them myself. If you want to be an honored member of the club, you too must follow these rules. The rules of this club are fairly straightforward and quite easy to follow:
- You must change the background picture of your cellPhone to a picture of the kids.
- You must tease them about their mother and all the ridiculous baby stuff she did.
- You must develop them to be just like you so that their mother will have to say, “Stop being like your grandfather”.
- You must teach them all the dumb jokes that your ancestors have said over the past 100 years. (mine is “Rooster, Hen, Pullet”)
- You must be able to fall asleep in any chair in the house with one or both of the boys on your lap or chest (recliners work best).
- You must be ready to watch SpongeBob Square Pants, Dora the Explorer, and any of the new cartoons that kids love to watch today.
- You must want to eat and share candy, popcorn, ice cream, cookies, and cookie dough with the boys, even at 7 am in the morning, despite what their mother says.
- You must be willing to stop at a Mcdonald’s, Wendy’s, or Burger King and get 3 Kids’ Meals at a moment’s notice. Yes – you get a Kid’s Toy too.
- You must be accepting of going to work, church, a board meeting, or a Rotary with a little baby exhaust on your suit coat.
- You must be able to smile like a crazy man any time someone asks you “What’s going on?” Because now you get to say, “I’m a Grandfather!”
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Because of all of the Public Speaking engagements, fans, stalkers, groupies and paparazzi, it has become important to publish the Official Manual of Protocol for publicly meeting @NCWiseman
- Do not rush @NCWiseman when he enters a venue
- Do not touch @NCWiseman unless he touches you first
- Do not yell, scream or holler at @NCWiseman when he enters the venue
- Do not offer @NCWiseman any items (including but not exclusively t-shirts, hats, CDs, flowers, food, etc)
- Do not ask for photography time
- Do not ask @NCWiseman for autographs
- Do not share any stories with @NCWiseman unless he asks you to tell him something specifically, then keep the story to less than 20 seconds.
- Do not push, shove, elbow or otherwise act like a fool to get to the front of the reception line for @NCWiseman
- Do not ask @NCWiseman any non-relevant questions (ie. how is your dog or what coffee did you have this morning)
- Do not under any situation, ever point at @NCWiseman.
This is an official list. We will update it as needed to insure that everyone understands the appropriate Protocol for engaging in a public setting with @NCWiseman.
Any questions or comments can be directed to The office of Official Protocol for Meeting @NCWiseman.
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One afternoon driving up I-81 from North Carolina to Maryland with my wife and kids, my cell phone pinged from a new text message.I pulled the phone up to see who texted me and got quite a surprise when I saw the message, “Interested in Sex tonight?”
I had just gotten Sexted.
Note the earlier statement, my wife is in the car with me and for further clarity, back then she did not use text messaging, let alone “Sexting”
The cell phone number was not in my phone contacts, so I did not know who it was from. I quietly & joking thought, “This sucks for lots of reason.”
Becky asked me who texted me. “I don’t know,” which was an honest response. “What did they want?” was her next question.
My response of “Nothing important” was followed with another query for more information, mostly to break up the quietness of the ride. “Nothing,” I said again, “Come on, what did they want?” was her next question.
Now, being married for quite some time, I really have nothing to hide from Becky. I showed her the message on the screen.
She looked at me and started cajoling me even more with more questions of doubt to my initial response that I did not know who it was from.
I decided that the best way to put the line of questioning to bed was to call the cell phone back.
I called the number and because of the traffic and cajoling noise from within the car, I could not hear the name of the person when their voice mail answered. So I responded as most people would expect me to respond.
I left the following message, “Hey, I got your text message and appreciate the offer. I am traveling to Maryland with my wife and kids so I will have to take a rain check. Go ahead without me. I hope that you have fun by yourself.”
Fast forward about 1 month. I had a position to fill at one of my clients and I was interviewing a candidate for the position. This is a guy that I have known for years.
After the interview, I told him he had the job. You would have thought that I just given him a Million $$$. He thanked me for giving him the chance to prove he could do the job, especially after the text message he sent me.
I laughed to myself and told the guy that he was really lucky that I was still going to hire him, despite the two mistakes that he had made.
Mistake # 1 – He sexted me and nearly got me in trouble with my wife.
Mistake # 2 – He told me that he sexted me instead of leaving wondering what hot nubile chick had sexted me on purpose. -
How often do you high-five someone for the great thing they did?How often does someone else high-five you for the great thing you did?
It’s a great way to acknowledge success, excitement and even a really good joke.
More often than not, it’s mandatory to accept a high-five request from a friend.
Here is a story that is somewhat unusual
Yesterday I was riding in the car with my wife. We were joking, laughing and having a good time.
I cracked a joke about something my wife said and the laughter from both of us increased.
My wife used her wit to spin the words I said and turned the joke around on me.
What she said was far funnier than what I said, despite the fact that the joke was not on me.
My wife raised her hand and barked out, “High Five!”
Foolish me, in a knee-jerk response, I accepted her high-five of her witty joke against me.
This made the joke that much more funnier.
Never again, never again will I high-five my wife when she cracks a joke about me.
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I love to get Naked.
The all natural feeling of getting Naked is something that I enjoy immensely.
The uplifting feeling is good for my body and soul when I get Naked
I especially like the cool feeling of getting Naked
Sometimes I get Naked in private.
Often I get Naked in public and enjoy doing so.
If you have never gotten Naked in public, please don’t judge me until you try it yourself.
Of course if you have gotten Naked in public, I am sure you agree with me that getting Naked is a good thing.
Once I got Naked in public and a lady friend of mine asked if she could get Naked with me.
I love it when friends and even complete strangers get Naked in public with me.
I recently took a picture of getting Naked in a conference room. If you want to see it, click here
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Dad, can you fix my headlight?Hey Dad, can you tell me how to change to grease in my muffler bearings?
Dad, I love you – will you loan me $20. Mom said it’s OK
Dad, my boyfriend wants to get another tattoo. Can you drive him to see Floyd at the Tattoo shop?
Dad, your the best ever, what’s for dinner?
Dad, I’m out of tampons again, can you pick some up when you go get your beer and chips?
Dad, there is a really big bug in my bedroom, will you drive over hear and kill it for me, PLEASE?
I know your really busy working, but I need a ride to the mall, Please, I love you
Dad, I wrecked my car, what do I do next?
Dad, Mom said you would move my stuff out of the condo again. Can we do it during half time?
I want to watch Riding in cars with boys tonight, do you have to watch that football game?
I’m super Dad. I have four daughters and I get these calls and many others like it often.
Yet, I would have it no other way.
I’m Super Dad!
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Back in the summer of 2006 the family set off to have a fun weekend in Myrtle Beach. For the most part, we did.
All four daughters, two son-in-laws and the first grand Daughter, three year old Amanda, headed to the beach late in the afternoon that Friday.
The trip to the beach has gotten much better over the years. The road has been improved and a few extra bypasses around some of the smaller cities makes the trip shorter.
We got to the beach late on Friday evening and everyone just hit their respective hotel rooms and crashed.
Saturday was spent checking out the beach and lots of the tourist stuff in Myrtle. We all had a great time. Before going to bed we planned for our Sunday. We all agreed that we would gather for breakfast in the morning and then head off to the Nascar SpeedPark. We wanted to spend a few hours there before heading back home.
Early Sunday morning Becky and I left our hotel room and headed up to our oldest daughter’s suite where everyone else had already gathered. The noise in the suite was loud because everyone was excited about the adventures we were about to begin.
The suite had two doors into the bedroom from the living room area or the kitchen area. Amanda and I were making quite a ruckus as we ran around the suite playing tag or hide-n-seek as her parents packed up to leave.
Then it happened.
I thought I still had enough agility to leap over the end of the bed and past an opened suite case, but I didn’t. I tripped on the edge of the bed and fell on the side of my foot. I looked down just as my foot bent outward at what looked like 90o. For those who can’t picture this, let me show you what it looks like:
I could not find an exact image of what my foot looked like at that moment, but this image is pretty close. I believe it was turned far worse than this though.Now we all know that every action creates an equally significant and loud reaction. When I saw how my foot bent, and felt the relevant pain it created, I SCREAMED!
I let out the loudest and longest series of cursing and screaming that I have ever heard before in my life. It sounded something like this:
My grand daughter ran back to me to see what had happened. She found me flopping around on the floor holding my ankle, tears streaming down my face and the barrage of curse words popping out of my mouth. As any grand child would do she asked, “Boppy are you OK?” As soon as I saw her there I reduced the number of curse words, but I was still rocking on the floor and crying out in pain.
The noise brought everyone else into the bed room to find out why I was making such a ruckus. My wife was the first to ask, “What did you do now?” She cajoled me to get up off the floor and stop fooling around before someone get’s hurt.
It only took a few minutes before the swelling started. The pain was still quite severe. I knew something was not right with my foot.
This is what it looked like. (This is an actual picture of my ankle on that day.) My son-in-laws started calling it a Rutabaga Foot. The swelling was so quick in part because we had no ice anywhere. One of my son-in-laws went looking for the ice machines and they were all empty.The only thing we had were 3 Ice cold beers in his fridge. We wrapped them around my ankle with a t-shirt.
Our plans had been to head off to Nascar SpeedPark, but my wife decided it was time to take me to an urgent care to make sure my ankle was not in fact broken. No one wanted to go go-carting with out me, so off we headed to urgent care, all 10 of us in 3 cars. Me and my entourage.
When we arrived at urgent care it took less than 30 minutes for me to get called. The nurse x-rayed my ankle and gave me he good news – it was only sprained. She gave me a soft boot and a set of crutches.
“Keep this boot on and don’t put any pressure on your foot for 2 weeks,” she told me. I agreed that I would try my best to do what she told me.
We all got back in our cars and headed off for Nascar Speedpark. We spent the next 3 or 4 hours playing in the park and riding all of the various go-cart tracks. I did great because my left foot was sprained, which is the foot used for the brake. No breaks the way I drive go-carts, especially the fast ones.
The morals of this story:
- Careful with the language when little ones are around, even if you are in pain.
- It’s best to know you can jump the bed, before you try to jump that bed.
- Never let a sprained ankle get in the way of a great trip with the family.
Work thru the pain and enjoy your time with the family.
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Here is a conversation that I started on Facebook in January 2012. Look at how the discussion went.TEDDY: I need to buy more rubbers. I go thru 4 rubbers every year. I can’t afford much more than this. I hate shopping for rubbers. The options are numerous and sources are broad. Everybody has an opinion of what rubbers are best. Of course they use their rubbers differently than I do. I have experience with a few different brands and I think I’m sticking with what works. I’m going with Cont/Pro/175/65R15. They ride much better on the Mini
- LHM – You’re too funny.
- PC – Kumho… Very track worthy, but at a fraction of the price of the big names! I got this tip from the VIR experts and wouldn’t see a need for anything else.
- TA – A man needs good rubbers.
- GP – Now we know what to get you for your Bday.
- AF – your poor wife.
- HY – Slacker
- RT – Do you wear them out overnight?
- TO – You need counseling
- RBH – He buys lots of spares.
- SLB – Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. 🙂
- PT – I’ve been very happy with the Nexxen N5000 I got at Mock tire. With 60k miles, these are my 3rd set of tires and have lasted the longest. I chose to not go the run flat route on these and have been very happy. (I did invest in a tire repair kit!)
I knew this would create confusion.
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Many years ago I worked for a grass seed business in Winston-Salem NC. The company was Loft Seed out of Bound Brook NJ and I ended up in North Carolina after the business was purchased by Budd Seed. Being the IT Manager back then, lots of stuff fell onto my desk, including creating and building their first website.I hired a small local company to do all of the coding stuff and another company to help me pull together the content. We created a website that showed lots of really cool images of lush green lawns, golf courses, industrial and business property. It was a really cool looking site, for 1997.
Another feature we built into the site was a FAQ or Frequently Asked Question section. We had lots of good questions and obviously equally fabulous answers. Most of which led the reader to the resellers of Loft grass seed.
We promoted the site on all of our printed material and put the web address www.loftseed.com, on the bags of seed.
With every opportunity our sales people, customer service staff and managers told everyone they met to check out our site at www.loftseed.com
One morning a new opportunity to promote the site developed that I quickly jumped on. I was able to promote the site. Here is what happened.
Early in the morning, after arriving at work, I get caught up on my email and tasks list while listening to WSJS 600AM, the local morning Talk Radio show. As I found out later on this day, most of the local business men also listened to the same talk radio show.
There were two DJ’s on this show and on this particular morning one of them was complaining about weeds in his yard. So, they put out a call for anyone with a suggestion of how to get rid of the weeds to call into the station.
Wow, I thought. This would be a great way to promote the FAQ area of our site.
I dialed the number – 336-777-1600. Busy, I redialed, busy, I redialed – it was ringing.
I can’t recall the names of the two DJs, but immediately one of them asked me my name, “Teddy Burriss,” I replied.“Who do you work for Teddy?” was the next question he asked. Wow, this was working great, I thought.
“I work for Loft Seed in Winston-Salem and we have the answers to your weed problems at www.loftseed.com. You and your listeners need to check it out.
I did not worry about the next statement because I was so excited that I got to say www.loftseed.com. I should have started to worry.
“This is great,” one of the DJs said, “We have a grass expert on the line.”
“No, I’m not a grass expert, I’m the IT guy and I know the answer to your problem is on our web site at www.loftseed.com.
Well, I thought I was doing good. I got the web address out twice already.
“We don’t have time to visit your web site Teddy, tell us what we need to do to get rid of the weeds.”
“I’m the IT guy, I am not the grass expert. You really need to check out www.loftseed.com. I am sure you’ll find the answer there.” I said one more time happy that I got the URL out three times.
“Come on Teddy, we need a solution right now. You work for a grass seed company, surely you know the answer. What do you suggest?” he cajoled me even more forcibly for an answer.
I caved. Big mistake.
Here is what I boldly told him, “OK, if you don’t have time to go to www.loftseed.com and you want the IT guy to tell you what to do, I’m going to tell you to spray RoundUp (R) over the entire yard and then reseed your lawn with Rebel II.”
Both DJs laughed and said good bye. Click – I was off the air.
Now, I laughed a little myself and then went back to my work, proud that I got the URL stated at least 4 times.
In less than 3 minutes one of the landscape guys who worked for the company came storming down the hall. He stood in my doorway, his face red and angry looking. Apparently he heard the show.
“Are you crazy? I don’t want you telling anyone else how to manage their lawns. You’re nuts and should never call in to a talk radio show ever again! And, stay away from my employees.” He stormed off in disgust.
Within a few more minutes my boss came to my office, “What the bleep was that all about?”
I got ready to answer him but he cut me off.
“Our biggest customer just called me and said he heard our IT guy on the radio telling everyone in Winston-Salem to spray RoundUp (R) on their lawns. He wants to know when I’m going to fire you for being so stupid.”
“I thought it was a pretty good idea,” I replied.
“NO IT WAS NOT!” He yelled back at me. “We’ll talk about this later.” he said as he stormed off.
The phone rang next. It was another manager for the company. He laid into me just like the others did. “What the blankity, blankity is wrong with you? You can’t tell people to spray RoundUp(R) on their lawns. That’s just stupid. I hope your boss fires you.” He hung up the phone without listening to my reasoning that my ideas got people talking.
The reprimanding and cajoling continued on for a few more hours. Eventually it all died off and I still had my job.
Periodically I get reminded of my Live radio lawn care suggestion episode. Usually we laugh and joke about it. I always try to remind myself and who ever I’m talking with that I got www.loftseed.com mentioned 4-5 times.
Regardless of the 4-5 mentions of www.loftseed.com on the radio, I now have a new rule for myself. I don’t call into radio shows and I don’t offer public suggestions about anything that I do not believe I am an expert at. Period.
Anyone need any legal advice about Russian brides? I don’t know the answers, but you should visit www.escape-russian-bride.com and find good ideas.
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I traveled a lot in my previous career. Most of it was for business reasons. Because I was Dad for 4 daughters I didn’t get to run off with the boys more than a few times a year. However I have a very tolerant wife who let me play when I asked.
A friend of mine knows people who used to own a place in Edwards Colorado outside of Vail. Back in the early 2000’s there was an open invitation to use this place whenever he wanted. This story happened during one of our boys trips to Vail
We went to Colorado for 4 reasons:
- Skiing. Regardless of the fact that I did not ski – I tried on each trip to Vail
- Snowmobiling @ 13,000 ft. We love to snowmobile, fast!
- Denver Broncos football games. We loved to go to games at Mile High Stadium.
- To enjoy all that Colorado had to offer.
Technology caught up with me on my first boys weekend out trip to Colorado.On this trip I decided to use my American Express Card for personal use. Normally I only used this card for business use.
I used the card at all of the typical places. Ski School, Mile High Stadium, a few restaurants and gift shops. I used it to pay for the snowmobile adventure and even for beers at a few Bar & Grills.
However, it was not until one morning after a long hard night of fun & games that I realized the power of this thing that we referred to as the Internet.
I called my wife early that morning to say hello and ask how she and the kids were doing. Everyone was fine.
The next question from her hit me like a ton of bricks, “What is The George?”
“Why?” I asked her, not really sure what she was asking, or how I should respond.
“You were there last night at 4AM and I’m just wondering where you were at such an early hour,” she said.
How in the world did that happen? In less than 4 hours she had figured out where I had been.
“How did you know I was at The George last night?” I asked
“It’s on the American Express transactions online,” she said, “I use Internet Explorer to view the American Express bill now.”
Online Transaction list! – I quickly developed a serious disdain, if not hatred for that phrase. I did not need an Online Transaction list telling my wife what I was doing.
This Internet thing had disclosed my activities to my wife, hours after I done it.
Now, for those of you who think I have anything to hide, NOPE!
The George is by far the best Bar in Vail Village. We went there for dinner and ended up staying there all night long. My two buddies, who by the way were single at the time, had a great time. I played the Matriarch and chaperone, really I did. This was also the night that I learned a very important skill. Beer/Water/Beer & a little coffee. I sat in the most comfortable leather chair I have ever sat in (at a bar) and I watched these two play their singles game all night long.
And, again for those who do not know me – I told my wife this and her reply was simple, “Oh, OK.”
However, I still had a problem. Even though I had nothing to hide, I did not want her to know what I was doing, or where I was moments after I did it. Who knows what she might learn.
So this was the end of me using my American Express card for personal use. The internet forced me to change my purchasing habits immediately.
If online transactions were going to disclose my activity, I needed to make sure that I was the only one getting this info.
As soon as I got home I setup a bank account with a local credit union and from that day forward I have used what I now call my “Freedom Card” for all confidential, private, no one needs to know transactions.
Little did I know then that my wife would find other ways of keeping track of me. However, it was not going to be with the help of American Express.
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Can you picture this?
1974 or 1975
Math, history or english class @ Poolesville high school in rural Poolesville, MD
Here is roughly what the classroom chairs/desks looked like back then:
The desks were lined up about 10 deep and at least 4, maybe 5 rows wide. There were at least 35 students in our English class back then.
To my right sat one of my classmate friends, Tammy. To my left a good friend named Clark. I proved what kind of friendship we had during class one day.
Being a good student, (really), I always showed up for class moments before everyone else. Even today people tease me saying I still do this, 35+ yrs later, so I can do some serious networking. Yeah, right, no one believes this. Any way, I got there early and started chatting it up with some of the other students.
Whole talking someone found a tack on the floor. For those of you unsure what I am referring to, it looked like this:
You may not be able to see that the pointy metal part of this thumb tack is about 1/4″ long. Maybe a tad longer.
Somebody said, “Man, that would freakin hurt if you sat on it.” The rest of laughed and agreed.
Then again, someone said, “Hey, Clarks not here yet, put it on his chair.” once again we all laughed and agreed.
For many reasons I was the one to put it on his chair. A) I was standing right beside his desk, B) I thought it would be as funny, if not funnier than some of the others, C) Yeah, I did not fully understand the science lesson that we (I) was about to experience.
So, I strategically (or with no real thought), placed the tack, point up, dead center on Clark’s chair. We all snickered, then scurried like the mischievous kids we were, back to our seats to await class, I mean, Clark to show up.
Now, there was more intelligence in the room than I lead you to believe. To my right Tammy whispered to me repeatedly, “That’s not smart, get the tack, get the tack NOW.” But for some reason I didn’t, or at least pretended not to hear her.
OK, here is where the science lesson really started.
Clark came into the room moments before class started and strutted up to his desk with a big smile on his face. You see, Clark was mostly always late for class, and he was beaming with happiness because he beat the Bell. I was actually happy for him myself and if I recall, I may have reached out to Hi-five him.
Now picture what happened in the next 3.25 seconds.
Clark slapped his books down on the desktop, slid into position to sit down, dropped onto the chair and KaBoom!
The immediate reaction was a result of all of Clark’s strength (farm boy) picking himself up off of the chair (I mean tack), raising the entire desk & chair off the floor, nearly above everyone’s head, as he exhaled a scream of vulgarities that totally freaked out everyone in the room.
Over the years I have thought long and hard at this next question, How did Clark know I did it? To this day, I still wonder.
As soon as his feet landed back on the floor, Clark lunged at me like a wild man, plowing me, my desk and books down on the floor up against the other row of desks, occupied by fellow classmates. He started waling on me like a crazy man. In a defensive action, I commenced waling back at him. It was total chaos until someone yelled, “here comes the teacher!”
A few classmates helped to stop us and to separate us. They then helped us to set the desks and chairs back up. This likely only took another 20 or 30 seconds, tops. The whole time I kept wondering when Clark would attack me again. I sort of expected it because after hearing him scream with pain, I felt like I still deserved more waling.
The class bell rang as Clark was collecting his books and standing next to his chair wondering if he could sit down.
I got back in my chair and straightened up my clothes and wiped most of the sweat off my face.
As the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed Clark still standing next to his desk. “Late again Mr. B., nothing seems to change with you, does it?”
I heard Clark whimper as he sat down on his injured butt. He looked over at me with piercing eyes as if to say, “your turn next.”. I knew that was more than just a likelihood. Paybacks were hell back then.
I can’t recall talking about that science experiment ever again. I’m sure I got some payback later on.
I most definitely learned, quickly and clearly, that “every action has an equal, and sometimes greater reaction.”
Clark and I remained friends throughout high school and continued our mischeiveous activities even thru graduation.
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Back around 2000 I went to Vail with 2 other guys for a different skiing, snowmobiling and NFL football trip.. We stayed in Cordillera at another friends very beautiful chalet. We made this trip twice in 3 years. Most of what we did during these trips is encapsulated in the quote, “We enjoyed all that Colorado had to offer.”
There are a lot of stories from our trips to Vail that I can tell. This one will be about our first fine dining experience in Vail.
After a day of ski school, we walked around Vail Village for a while and with little to no research we decided to go into a place called “La Tour”. This turned out to be a good and a bad choice.
We walked into the restaurant and were immediately greeted by the hostess. Fairly quickly we determined that we were very underdressed for this fine dining establishment. There were a lot of couples in their best evening attire and we were dresses in blue jeans and polo shirts. The hostess noticed this as well and she shot us a look that felt as if she was asking,” do you have to eat here.” We told her we wanted a table for three.
The hostess said, “Follow me”, and then took us on the strangest walk around the restaurant. As we stood in the entry way we could see a table with three chairs, right next us. Yet, the hostess walked us around the restaurant and back up front to the empty table. Clearly she wanted one of two things. To show us that we did not belong, or to show us to the other patrons so they could get a good laugh. We obviously did not belong, and this became more apparent as the experience continued.
We sat down in very comfortable high back chairs. The table, covered in a sheer table cloth was very well arranged with individual place settings of a crystal water glass, two fancy forks, a spoon and knife around a plate that I thought was far more ornate and fancy to eat off of. Very elaborate place settings. The napkins were made of a very soft yet shiny and elegant material, no paper napkins here.
Our waitress, dressed better than I dress even for Easter service, walked up to us, offered us the menu on a single sheet of paper and asked us what we wanted to drink. Two of us ordered beers and my other buddy ordered a bottle of wine.
As she walked away we jokingly commented to each other that it was clear, “We did not belong here.” But we didn’t care.
We looked over the menu and noticed that besides being a fantastic selection of fine food, there were no prices on the menu. This normally means you don’t want to know, i.e., very expensive. This would eventually become evident to us.
Our drinks arrived and we commenced to prove to ourselves and everyone else there, that we truly did not belong.
The service was slow, maybe because of the crowd, maybe because they were trying to ignore us, or possibly because they wanted us to order more drinks, which of course we did.
Eventually our waitress took our food order. The menu again had lots of good choices for beef, pork, seafood and lots of Italian dishes.
Before our meals arrived we managed to drink a few beers and the buddy drinking wine killed his first bottle and ordered a second. This would prove to be a bad thing for those sitting around us because with each drink, we got louder and louder.
Our meals showed up after what seemed like an hour or so. This place was very elegant and the delivery & presentation of our meals clearly showed this.
Our waitress and two other members of the wait staff came to our table with three individual trays of food. They picked up our meals and in smooth dance like motions presented our meals onto to the table in front of us. Woven baskets with fresh bread, fresh vegetable sides in elegant pewter bowls and our main course (i.e. hunk of meat) placed on a large plate adorned with herbs and relevant condiments of spices and sauce. Definitely one of the finest dining experiences I have ever had, so far.
The wait staff disappeared almost as quickly and quietly as they showed up. The three of us looked at our beautifully prepared meals and then at ourselves as my one buddy blurted out for all in the restaurant to hear, “We don’t belong here!”
The three of us busted out laughing and agreed, “Yeah, but we are.” And we laughed even harder and louder.
The laughter fueled my one buddy to loudly repeat, “We don’t belong here” a few more times during the evening.
Little did we know that soon we would find out how true that statement was.
We tried our best to dine like civilized men, but, yeah, that’s not really possible for us. Knives and forks slashed and hacked at our meals as we devoured some very tasty food.
As we ate, the waitress returned and asked how the meal was and if we wanted more drinks. Yes, more drinks please.
With more drinks, it seemed to raise our volume even louder and I noticed that the other patrons of the restaurant seemed to be watching us. My one buddy, thru one bottle of wine and working on the second, mostly by himself, was stuck on the phrase, “We don’t belong here!” He repeated this statement often and each time a little louder which resulted in us laughing louder and then for the others in the room to stop eating and stare at us. We were having a blast. Not sure if anyone else was, but we did not care, we were paying to be there. Little did we know how much.
We finished the main course, a few baskets of bread and at least three beers and two bottle of wine. Good stuff. Our wait staff again swooped in, removed our empty plates and with smooth graceful movements attacked the table cloth with crumb sweepers. When they were done the table looked as fresh and clean as it was when we first sat down. Ok, except for a few wine and beer stains.
Our waitress came back and asked if we wanted our check. Of course not, we wanted desert and coffee.
She went back and brought out the desert sample tray and commenced to tell us about our options. We had no idea what the deserts costa, so we ordered three different deserts and coffee.
When she served us desert, it was equally as grandiose of a delivery and food presentation as the main course had been. Again, when we got done eating, they cleared our place settings and swept up the crumbs with little effort or interference to our chatter, which by now has gotten much louder.
We downed a couple cups of coffee each before the waitress returned with our check.
The buddy drinking the wine offered to pay for the evenings dinner knowing that there were at least two other dinner meals that the rest of us would pickup. All good, actually very good for the rest of us.
For two appetizers, three entree, 12 imported beers, 2 bottles of wine and 3 cups of coffee the bill came to nearly $300, before the tip. Uh oh, our budget, even if very informal, did not allow for $300 dinners.
We did not belong there for sure; however it was too late. But being professionals and respectable patrons we did exactly what we should do.
We made lots more noise, laughed at ourselves, repeated out loud, “We don’t belong here!”
We paid the bill with an appropriate $45 tip and left.
Today, over 10 years later, we can’t easily recall the name of the restaurant, but we clearly recall that we did not belong there.
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I originally wrote this on March 26, 2008 in response to a game show audition. After finding it today (2/26/11), I thought I would put it on the blog for safe saving & so others can laugh at me
Written for Deal or No Deal Audition – which I did not make
Luckiest moment in my life – In 1977 I postponed a trip to see a girl in Kansas and met my wife of 30 years at a local carnival
What is my occupation? – Technology Sales Consultant.
What is the most interesting job I have ever had?
Delivering caskets to funeral homes “Just In Time”
Or – Cleaning out radioactive material from a radiation facility. See picture
What is the most interesting thing about me that strangers can’t tell just by looking at me? –
I am # 2 of 15 children – 7 girls & 8 boys from Maryland.
Or – I am always “Unbelievably Fantastic, Hovering near Ecstasy…”
Tell us the most embarrassing story about yourself.
Having the entire neighborhood see me and hear me running and screaming thru my back yard, in my underwear, shining a flashlight over the hill where I was sure a UFO was, only to find a Medivac Helicopter rising over the hill in the middle of the night.
Or – Having the receptionist page me at the plant to let me know that the boat that I bragged about winning and paid $150 for shipping was in the lobby in a box no bigger than a briefcase – it was a rubber raft.
What is the most outrageous thing I have ever done? – That I can talk about on TV or in front of my Kids –
At nearly 50 years old – three time participant in ripping down the goal posts and taking them to the lake after App State Championship football games.
What is the next milestone in my life – Retire to be a dock boy on a lake.
Other than significant other – who will be my supporters – Daughters, Son-In-Laws, Best Friend
Do I have a luck Charm – My troll statue in my den – but I can’t bring him with me because he hates to travel
Who lives with me – Rebecca my wife, our dog – Becka No more goldfish, gerbils or hamsters!!!
What would you do if you won a Million Dollars? – I would plan to give 50% to the Rebecca Burriss Charitable Trust and 50% to finance becoming a Dock Boy.
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It’s my bed, and I will do as I like – do you hear me?!
If I wish to bring a fried bologna sandwich to my bed at midnight, I will.
If I wish to bring popcorn and freshly fire-pit created s’mores to my bed, I will.
If I wish to set a George Foreman grill at my feet in our king sized bed, and cook a 1pm angus burger, I will.
If I want to bring a tin of sardines and crackers to my bed with a quart jar of sweet tea, I will.
If I wish to give a tip to the Papa Johns delivery guy as he delivers a large supreme pizza to my bed so that I can continue watching Love Story and sipping a cup of hot tea, then I will.
If I wish to serve beer and brats to my friends who join me in my bed as we watch the SuperBowl ads, then I will.
If I decide to hire a professional sponge bather to take care of me as I sit in my bed watching Murder She Wrote and eating tacos, then I will.
If I decide to serve bourbon and red velvet cake to our neighbors from my bed as I listen to Edith Piaf on ITunes, then I will.
If I decide to get a pedicure and waxing done in my bed as I eat twinkles and drink hot chocolate and watch Magnum PI, then by golly, I will.
Any questions? If so, stick ’em in a sock and shut up. Hear me?!
Good!
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Today I proved to myself that I am an electronics technician.
These are the guys who fix electronic devices and since I successfully fixed my wife’s portable CD player, I am obviously an Electronics Technician.
Rebecca has a small portable CD player that she uses in her classroom. Last week she brought it home saying it would not work. Last night she opened up the CD bay and after poking at it for a few moments with her fingernail file she declared it Dead. “Can you fix it for me,” she asked. “Yes I can babe,” was my reply.
I told her I would look at it later, when I had time. I had to finish watching Night of the Living Dead. A great movie originally from 1968, first remade in 1990. Turns out the movie I was watching was the 1968 version. I like the original best anyway.
So this morning I went to my workshop and got all of the tools that I figured would be needed.
28oz Hammer
Electric Drill with various screwdriver heads
Duct tape
VizeGrip pliers
Needle nose pliers
Supper glue
Razor knife
FlashlightBack upstairs, I turned on my iTunes, picking a Meatloaf album, walking thru the kitchen, grabbed a beer as I passed the fridge and back to the living room to sit down with the defective high quality electronic device.
I put all of my tools on the floor near me. You have to make sure they are easily reachable, but not so close as to get in the way. I plugged the appliance in, placed a CD in the drive, closed the door and nothing. It appeared dead. Any other technician would have given up, but I knew there was still hope.
I put a small screwdriver tip in the electric drill (DeWalt 18v) and commenced removing screws from the back. There are 16 screws of various lengths holding this thing together. It took about 10 minutes and 1/2 of my beer to get them all out. I began prying the case open with no success. I picked up the hammer and almost used a Man’s method, but then I thought of something else. I removed the battery case cover and found 1 more screw. 17 total.
With all the screws out and scattered along the floor in front of me, the case came apart easily. Time to celebrate that accomplishment with a sip of my beer.
There were a bunch of wires connecting the 2 halves together. I unhooked them, trying to remember where the red, green, blue, baby blue, aqua, grey, white and somewhat red ones came from so I could reconnect them later.
All of this done, the halves were completely disconnected. Reward time again.
I had to remove one printed circuit board to get to the motor for the CD player. It’s always the motor. Every electronics technician knows this.
With unobstructed access to the motor, I twisted the spindle and it seemed to move properly. I poked at some of the other wires in the system, rubbed my finger over some of the diodes, capacitors, semiconductors and transistors. I did not see any vacuum tubes to lick, so, I considered this repair task complete.
There is nothing else that can be done.
I reconnected the wires, paying close attention to where I put the grey wire so as not connect it where the white wire belonged. I am sure that I got them back where they all belonged.
I put the two halves back together and then commenced to put the 12 screws back in. There is no practical reason to put the other 5 in, so I threw in the trash. If my wife saw them she would fret about them not being replaced. We all know that electronics manufacturers use extra screws just so they can jack up the price.
I plugged the player back in, inserted a CD and hit the play button. Nothing, not even the slightest whirl noise.
My wife walked in at that moment and asked, “were you able to fix it?” “Not yet,” was my reply.
Taking another sip out of my second beer, I thought for a moment and realized, I forgot to use the fast pressure technique.
“WHACK”, I slapped my hand down on the top of the player.
“WHACK, WHACK”, I repeated the therapy.I pressed the play button and, Bim Bam Boom! It started to play.
I tested on, off, CD out, CD back in and each time it worked fine.
My wife walked back into the room “Is that my CD player I hear?”
“Yes, babe, it took little more work, but it works fine now.”
I got a big hug and kiss followed with, “You are fabulous!”
I’m sure I can pass the test and become a certified Electronics Technician now.
Tomorrow I’m going to work on the car. It has a slight ticking in the motor. I’m sure I can fix it.
Teddy
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We all know what next Friday is. It’s the day after Thanksgiving day and in the last few years it has become known as Black Friday.
It’s probably the biggest consumer shopping day of the entire year. The statistics are grandiose and challengeable. However, for the sake of this story, let’s accept my numbers as just good guesses.
Somewhere near 9,123,456 people will swarm to your local mall and purchase about $78,345,123,891.23 worth of clothes, toys, electronics and toiletries. However, based on past years, only about $63.15 will be spent on medicine and these purchase are usually Advil for one man who just can’t stand standing around waiting at the Mall in Winston-Salem NC.
Because of all the activity next Friday, I decided to accept the invite from my wife & daughters to go to our local Mall today, and today only. Better yet, I’m planning to sit in the one chair that I found unoccupied at the fitting room area of Women’s intimates. I will not be looking around, i promise, I will write this blog while I wait. When I am done, or they are done, I’m going to leave, honestly, I can’t even see those wild looking panties, bras and Teddies hanging on the racks right in front of me.
Now that I am nearly done with this blog, I’m listening to a lady tell a story about a widow calling an HR department about her husband dying. Should I be eavesdropping? Her husband died while eating a cookie at a local restaurant and she wants to get his life insurance money from his employer.
Ok, enough of that. I best get up and leave now. Wow, that’s really bright pink, not much material, but a really cool color. I wonder what that would look like on silk sheets….. Never mind.
Wow, the guy died in Lexington. I think I heard this story on the news last night. Was that the show that Victoria Secret sponsored? Never mind.
Have to go now.
I promise I will not be back to the mall until next year. I got my Advil and a new pair of bright red panties.
Another story from Teddy.
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God created Men to take care of lots of different things. One of the tasks that God expects Men to handle is the caring for and protecting of Women.
We are charged with the protection of Women because in general we are bigger, stronger and in many cases more assertive than the female human. We are supposed to keep predators away from Women and make sure that no one gets in their way.
We are required to care for Women because God gave us the ability to hunt wild animals and fish. It is expected that we will make sure that Women have the best possible bounty that Nature provides.
(Please tolerate these generalizations for the sake of the story.)
I am sure that God put into motion the evolution of this relationship, because today we are also required to do much more.
Today we are also supposed to be the Shopping Servant or “SS” for Women.
Whether we like it or not, whether we realize it or not, Men have become Shopping Servants for our Women. This is a charge in life that we can not dispute or hide from.
I am finally ready to admit that I, Teddy Burriss am a Shopping Servant for my wife. And, if I must say so myself, I am quite good at it.
I spent this past Saturday touring some of the various shopping areas for the specific purposes of writing this important story. I saw no less than 87 qualified shopping servants and a few new shopping servants as well. The differences were easy to spot.
A new, yet to be fully trained shopping servant is generally a Man who has either recently proposed or possibly just gotten married.
A fully trained and qualified Shopping Servant is generally a man who has been married at least 20 years and clearly know his role while shopping.
Here are a few noticeable differences that are very easy to spot:
A newbie shopping servant stands right beside a woman as she looks at items that she is interested in purchasing, more often than not, far too close so as to impede the shopping activity. A qualified Shopping Servant knows to give a woman more space to properly shop.
A newbie will actually ask a woman if she wants him to carry her purse. A more seasoned Shopping Servant knows that if she wants us to carry or hold her purse, she will let us know. We know better than to reach for her purse.
A newbie shopping servant may be intimidated and feel uncomfortable when asked to shop for personal things. I have personally witnessed a newbie get nauseous in a drug store when asked to come down the feminine products aisle. I have seen a newbie try to hide behind his woman while standing in front of the Vagisil shelf when he thought he saw one of his work buddies. A qualified shopping servant will actually call out to his woman and let her know that he found the Tampax she uses, is heading over to get the Vagasil and will meet her in the stockings aisle.
Shopping with a woman in a grocery store is very easy for any Shopping Servant. Women allow us to immediately push the shopping cart down the beer aisle to pick up the biggest case of our favorite beer and then they let us scurry over to the chip aisle and get our game day chips. Women let us do this because they know it makes us comfortable. They must know that with these prizes in our cart we will gladly help with the rest of the grocery shopping.
However, a man pushing a shopping cart thru the aisles of Bed Bath & Beyond is another story. A newbie Shopping Servant will try to guide a woman toward specific items that he may be interested in. Like the fancy coffee machines, big sharp knives or new techie items he saw thru the window. A seasoned shopping servant will read his woman’s mind and know that he has to navigate the cart into the sheet section and wait while the woman compare thread counts on sheets with designs that no man will admit to sleeping on. He knows that after this he will be told where to navigate the cart to next and when to stop. A seasoned shopping assistant accepts pushing a cart full of Knicks-knacks, pillow shams, current rods, toilet brushes, cute soap dishes, colorful gardening gloves and fancy dish towels. He will not publicly complain or ask why. A newbie will become noticeably embarrassed when his challenges are shut down swiftly and without mercy by his woman.
One rule that a newbie shopping servant learns quickly is the Agreement Rule. When shopping, no matter what, a man must always agree. Pure & Simple. Never deviate from this rule. When a woman asks a man if he likes something, or if it he thinks it would look good on her, she has an opinion. Find out what her opinion is and then agree with her. If she has not formed an opinion, suggest to her that she to get what she wants and not what you want. Stick to that statement, no matter what.
A newbie shopping servant will boldly guide his woman to the highest priced items because he assumes, “only the best for my woman”, regardless of any possible savings. A more seasoned shopping servant knows better. We know that a woman’s unstated agenda for spending money on certain items requires that she save money on less important items. Because of this, we will let her know when we see a discount rack of mens clothing, children’s underwear or yard items. We would never point out discount purses, women’s shoes or belts. Doing so would create an opportunity for public reprimand, and we will not let this happen.
Being close by is another important skill for a qualified shopping servant. A newbie shopping servant is likely to make one of two mistakes. He could be overly attentive and create an uncomfortable shopping experience for his woman. Sometimes she will want to ponder a gift for him and he better not be standing there. And, if she turns to ask him a question or to hand him an item to carry, he better be standing right there. Or else. It takes years of practice to develop the skills needed for a shopping servant to know when to be available and when not to be around. Afterwards, a shopping servant’s task will be less stressful and more enjoyable.
Other shoppers can get in the way of a shopping servant’s job. You better be paying attention to your woman and not get caught looking at anyone else. If your woman turns to ask you to do something and you are staring at another shopper (especially another woman), lord help you. This will create another opportunity for a public reprimand. Physical pain has been applied during this level of reprimand. Newbie shopping servants will learn this the hard way. I have seen grown men cry after being reprimanded for staring at other women while shopping. Seasoned shopping servants wear sunglasses, even in the stores and generally are never caught doing this.
In conclusion, a skilled and qualified shopping servant knows at all times, to be where he is supposed to be, do as he is told, go where he is told to go, never act intimidated, know that shopping is for her, not him, keep his eyes only on his woman and always agree. Then and only then will he be allowed to go home and drink his beer and eat his chips.
Another story from Teddy Burriss. I hope you enjoyed it.
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This is a good test for those who fear that they may have Alzheimer’s.
It’s not a proven test, but one worthy of trying out.
1- Find the C below…do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below:
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999993 – Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult:
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMI’m only sending this to my ‘old’ friends.
Eonvrye whocan raed this rsaie your hnad, (we can see you so do it.)
To my ‘selected’ strange-minded friends:
Only great (or strange) minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!
If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too
Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr
in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is
that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was Imprtnt.
I hope this test has been beneficial. Thanks to JW of Lima Ohio for sharing this with us.
Teddy Burriss 