Did you really expect me to have the lights on?
Happy April Fools Day!
Teddy Burriss
Are you Listening to me
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Category: Humor
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I originally wrote “How Many Mikes do you know.”
Here is what I discovered about the women in my LinkedIn Network.
Out of now 3890 people, here is a list of the women’s names that showed up 10 or more times each.
First Name Count Lisa 41 Mary 29 Susan 26 Jennifer 22 Karen 21 Julie 20 Linda 19 Robin 19 Donna 18 Ashley 17 Amy 16 Ann 16 Kimberly 16 Lori 16 Stephanie 16 Angela 15 Barbara 14 Deborah 14 Amanda 13 Beth 13 Kim 12 Laura 12 Melissa 12 Tracy 12 Denise 11 Elizabeth 11 Heather 11 Kathryn 11 Pam 11 Sharon 11 Tammy 11 Teresa 11 Brenda 10 Cheryl 10 Debbie 10 Katherine 10 Michelle 10 Rachel 10 Sarah 10 Each of these individuals are unique in their own right, even though, not in name.
I hope you enjoyed this little un-scientific research.
Teddy
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Halloween Costume Story
I found this on a Facebook post from a friend.
Funny Halloween Costume Story
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
She asked him, “did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”Halloween Costume Story – could this happen to you?
Author unknown
Do you have a Halloween Costume Story?
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As we, as a society, decide that we no longer need newspapers and magazines, there are many areas of our lives that will need to change as well.
Consider what you use newspapers for beyond getting the news. We all use newspapers for lots of daily tasks that we take for granted.
Hopefully, we can find answers to the problems that the lack of newspapers will create for us.
We will need to work together in order to find answers to the problems that this change will create.
Here are 15 areas of our lives that we will need to adjust as we deal with the slow death of newspapers:
- Provide news – We can this virtually faster & from more sources than ever
- Provide coverage – Another source will need to be discovered quickly to cover up mistakes we make around the house
- Offer protection – We have other sources of material for wrapping our fine china, but as in #2, we need to find other sources as well.
- Use in gift wrapping – Men, we may need to consider using real wrapping paper. Then save it for item #2 and/or #3
- Bottom of the birdcage – We need to find other sources of material for this. Maybe bright colored tissue paper from our gifts.
- Windshield cleaning – We may have to go back to using bath towels and t-shirts for this
- Painting & project work – We will need to find another source of material for the small item painting, gluing and staining projects. I don’t want to use tissue paper for this.
- Help in writing – We have found our new sources of this. Our blogs, Tweets, Facebook statuses & LinkedIn articles are just a few.
- Use in arts and crafts – This could be the biggest challenge. What will we use for Papier-mâché projects? Easter eggs, dinosaur eggs, face masks, etc., etc. This could be a major catastrophe.
- Use in paper airplane making – Fortunately, we still get brochures and flyers in the mail (for the time being). If we can do it without being caught, we can always raid the printer paper.
- Help in building a fire – This will be another area where we will need to find a replacement source of regular fire starting material. I’ve used tissue paper and love the bright colors of fire. Maybe this is the new source.
- To boost friendship – The ability to share articles, blog posts and social media posts has already replaced this task and expanded our ability to make new (ie virtual) friends.
- For a moment of peace – We have replaced reading the newspaper in peace with listening to PodCasts with our headphones on.
- Coupons – Fortunately our grocery stores and manufacturers are building digital solutions already.
- Puppy Training – We are not supposed to be smacking our puppies on the snout anyway.
This is just a short listing of the areas of our lives that will change. Surely, many people have other areas of their lives that will be affected adversely.
Yes, the days of using newspapers for much more than reading news are quickly disappearing. Change occurs every day, let’s keep working thru this change together.
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners decided to quiz her male students to see how they would handle this question.
She was a little concerned as to the responses she could get from some of the men in the class but decided to pursue the question anyway.
Here is what happened.
“Gentleman, how would you announce to your dinner date that you have to go to the restroom?”
“What about you Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’”
The teacher fainted.
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This is hotel story 2 of 6. This one is PG-13.
Earlier I wrote the story “Is this a brothel.” This one although not as bizarre, it’s funny to me.
I parked my rental car at the Microtel in Allentown PA, grabbed my suitcase and computer bag and slammed the door shut. I clicked the lock button on the key fob as I walked towards the entrance of the hotel.
Sitting on the curb was a lady, dressed in a short dress, boots and looking just a little bit different than a typical hotel guest. I wondered if she was a hotel employee waiting for her ride home, but her attire was not what I expected for a hotel laborer. She did not look like she had done any work, yet. Her hair was all “done up” and she did not look like most people look after a hard day at work.
I did what I usually do when I walk past someone and said, “Hello.”
She responded appropriately, “Hi. A great night isn’t it?” I continued walking as I replied, “Yes it is. Have a great evening.” This ended our initial engagement.
I checked into the hotel just as my memory kicked in. A few years ago I stayed in this hotel and experienced the prostitute activity, read “Is this a brothel?” I wondered, was this going to be a similar night?
I forgot about it all as I headed to my room. My mind was on one thing only – I was hungry. I dropped my bags in the room and headed back out the door.
I walked out of the hotel entrance, thinking about what to eat. My plan was to drive down the street to the Outback. Heading towards my car, there she was again, my prostitute. This time she was standing next to the curb as if waiting for me.
“Hello again. Where are you going?” she asked.
“I am going to get dinner. I’m starved.”
Her next statement caught me just a little bit off guard, “Do you want some company? I don’t want you to pay for my dinner, but I would love to keep you company as you eat. Maybe we can do a movie later too.”
I admit it took me just a second or two to develop my reply, “That is very nice of you. However, I want to be alone at dinner. It’s been a rough day and after dinner, I am going to bed alone.”
She threw me another curveball, “Are you sure, I can help you unwind if you want. I’m really good at helping men unwind.”
Again, it took a second or two for me to find the correct answer, “I appreciate the offer, but I absolutely do not need the company. Have a great evening.” I opened my car door, slid into the car and waved goodbye as I hit the lock button.
She barely waved back at me as she looked away towards another hotel guest who had just driven up.
I wondered if I would see or hear her again later that night. I did not.
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This is story 1 of 6. This story is PG-17.
I traveled to Allentown Pennsylvania often. The Microtel (4325 Hamilton Blvd, Allentown, PA, US, 18103) was close to the office I worked in, so I often stayed there. The rates were reasonable, rooms a little small, but they served the purpose – crash for the night and get a decent nights sleep before going back to work.
I remember two experiences staying here, that I want to share with you. Here is story number 1
I checked into the hotel as I usually do, around 8pm. Because I had already been to dinner, I was heading into the hotel for the evening.
After wrapping up some computer work (dial-up internet back then – yuk), I read the local newspaper and watched some news. By 10pm I was done for the day.
I turned out the lights and fairly quickly fell asleep.
I don’t recall the actual time, likely after midnight, I woke to noise outside. I got up and looked out the window.
My window overlooked the front entrance of the building. Lined up in a row were 3 cars. Numerous women were getting out of the cars. All of them were dressed in what I could only imagine as a prostitute looking attire.
They were hanging all over the cars saying goodbye to the drivers who, one after another, drove away into the darkness of the night. One after another, nearly a dozen women paraded into the hotel lobby.
I was wide awake now as I wondered, had I made a reservation into a brothel? I had stayed in this hotel numerous times and had not seen this before. Nothing seemed unusual about the hotel staff or the random guest that I saw each time I had stayed here before.
I decided to ignore what I saw and go back to bed. As I started to fall asleep, another set of noises woke me.
In the room next to me I could hear what seemed to be a man and woman having a good time. I was blown away that the walls were this thin and or that this couple was this loud. As I wondered if I would ever be able to get back to sleep, I started to get just a little ticked off. My anger did not soar until I heard the next sounds. From the same room, two men started yelling at each other, arguing. I could not hear all that they were saying, but I clearly heard this phrase repeatedly, “My turn, It’s my turn!!!”
OK, it all came together now. The girls of the evening were not ending their shift, they were just getting started.
While the arguing and noise continued next door, I called the front desk. This is what I told the clerk, “I don’t care what is going on in the room next to me, but you need to move them before I call 911 and tell the cops that I think someone is getting killed. Got it?”
In less than a minute I heard the door open into the room next to me. All the noise stopped immediately. I heard a guy yell, “F*** him, who does he think he is?” I heard someone else tell him to calm down. Beyond a few more rustling noises, I heard nothing else.
Within a few more minutes I heard nothing more. Finally, all the noise was gone and I laid back down in hopes of going to sleep.
The alarm went off at 6AM. I showered, shaved and got dressed. I collected my belongings and left the room.
While checking out I asked the morning shift front desk clerk, “Who are your typical guests?”
“Regular businessmen like you sir,” was his reply.
“Did anything unusual happen last night?” I asked.
The clerk’s reply was, “No sir, the night guy just left and told me nothing new last night.”
I decided to leave without questioning anymore. I imagined that the night shift does not tell the day shift everything.
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If any of these stories below are about you, please call me and admit to it.
A friend sent this to me via email. I could not confirm it’s on Darwin Awards page yet.
Yes, it is that time again for the Darwin Awards.
Read below and just shake your head in wonder.Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from”
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
**Remember – They walk among us
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A cowboy named Bob was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses, and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bob looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful herd gazing nearby and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bob says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bob.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
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A friend told me that she had to do something this morning that she feared to do so, just a little.
She had to go to the Library.
This lady is a psychologist, well educated, smart and not afraid of anything, normally.
She told me that in grad school all she needed to do was write down the list of resource materials she needed and hand the list to the librarian, who then searched and collected the books for her.
This was not going to happen on this trip. She would have to research the books she needed and go find them herself.
We joked about walking into this massive room filled with row after row, after row of shelves. Shelves from the floor to the ceiling, far beyond our reach. Each shelf containing hundreds if not thousands of books.
We joked about wondering where to start. Would there be someone there to support her as she searched for those three or four books that she needed out of millions of choices?
We joked about how she would search. Would there be a micro-fiche available? Did the library still have the card files? Would there be a computer system with all the information? Would she remember how the Dewey Decimal system worked? Would there be someone there to help her when she got overwhelmed or lost in the abyss of books?
Preparing to write this post, I googled Dewey Decimal system. Check out this video – it’s funny.
I’m going to call my friend later today. I hope she found what she was looking for in the library and survived the experience. Not that it’s a new experience, but because it is slowly becoming an adventure of the past.
Maybe she gave up and went to Itunes or Amazon. We’ll see.
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.
The little boy says ”It’s dark in here”
The man replies ”Yes, it is”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250”In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
“How much?”
Boy – “$750”
Man – “Fine.”A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab
your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000”The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!”
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Let me set the stage: a Police officer on the witness stand and a hotshot lawyer is grilling him.
However, once you hear this story you will want to be as sharp as this police officer if you find yourself on the witness stand.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.
Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes, sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes, sir.”
Q: “Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.
Thanks to Bob Henderson for sharing this with me thru Facebook.
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A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’
Don’t ever underestimate us old guys.
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I get an email like this weekly – this one is by far the most interesting. Who ever this SCAMMER is, he/she spent a lot more time than most with this effort.Images, Acronyms, even a fairly well (ridiculous but well) crafted Legal Notice(FYI – I copied and pasted as is – no editing at all)
from: F.B.I WASHINGTON D.C fbidirectoroffice@fbi.gov reply-to: fbidirectoroffice@superposta.com to: date: Fri, Nov 16, 2012 at 5:54 AM subject: F.B.I -WE NEED A RESPONSE URGENTLY ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISIONFBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DCFEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001Ref: FBI/DC/25/113/13/2012Urgent attention neededWe have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in Africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activitiesThe bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to make this payment from any part of the world to your account directly, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) method to make the payment. direct transfers are difficult and secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) are not usually made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities and we ask why must your payment be made in a secret transfer if your transaction is legitimate.We do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your personal account, so it is our duty as an international agency to correct these little problems before this fund reflects into your personal account.we advice you to contact us immediately, as your funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody, until you are able to provide us with the dist certificate within 3 days from the country that authorized the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive are terrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to impound the payment and subsequently prosecute you for cross border terrorist financial activites.based on our findings, our investigative department wish to warn you against some miscreants, hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this wonderful country. By sending out fraudulent emails without our official logo and emblem we shall release your funds immediately we receive this legal document and we will ensure that you receive your payment without any further delay.NoteWe decided to contact you directly by email to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the huge amount involved. Be informed that the funds are now with a top bank in the united state in your name and under the monitoring/custody of the FBI. At the moment, we have asked the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we instruct them to do so, and only if we receive the dist certificate this is to enable us carry out a comprehensive investigation first before releasing the fund to you.hence, you are to forward your dist certificate to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, then let us know so that we will direct you to the appropriate authority to obtain the certificate then you are to send it to our office. And thereafter, we will instruct the bank holding the funds, to go ahead and credit your account immediately. If you fail to provide the documents to this office, we will prosecute you and take appropriate action against you for not proving the legality of the funds.Finally if you truly want to receive this funds without F.B.I troubles then reconfirm the following belowName………………………………………………….Address………………………………………………..Sex………………………………………………………Contact number………………………………………..Country of origin of funds……………………………..Yours FaithfullySPECIAL AGENT JUKE WILLIAMSFOR FBI DIRECTORMR. ROBERT S. MUELLER.cc: general intelligence department (GID)cc federal bureau of investigation (fFBIi)cc .internet crime complaint center (ic3)cc: Asia pacific group on money laundering (APG)cc: international monetary fund (IMF)cc: international organization of securities commissions (IOSCO)cc: international banking security association (IBSA)cc: world customs organization (WCO)cc: inter-American development bank (IADB)cc: national white collar crime center (NW3C)cc: bureau of justice assistance (BJA)cc: supreme court of South Africa(SCA)LEGAL NOTICE:Unless expressly stated otherwise, this message is confidential and may be privileged. It is intended for the addressee(s) only. Access to this e-mail by anyone else is unauthorized. If you are not an addressee, any disclosure or copying of the contents or any action taken (or not taken) in reliance on it is unauthorized and may be unlawful. If you are not an addressee, please inform the sender immediately.AVISO LEGAL:Salvo que se indique lo contrario, este mensaje es confidencial y puede ser privilegiada. Se pretende a su destinatario (s)solamente. El acceso a este e-mail por cualquier otra persona no estб autorizado. Si usted no es un destinatario, cualquier divulgaciуn o copia de lacontenidos ni de cualquier acciуn realizada (o no) en la dependencia en que no estб autorizado y puede ser ilegal. Si no son unadestinatario, por favor notifique al remitente de inmediato -
Here is a letter that I was sent that is rather interesting, if not ridiculous.
It came from an Elementary School administrator and was sent to all of the teachers of that school. The name of the school has been changed to protect the school system. Where I altered the words or added to the message, to better emphasis the bylaw, I put my initials.
I feel it’s ridiculous for a few reasons:
- Hospitality is defined as – “The friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.”
- The definition of Hospitality is not to collect money and redistribute back to only those who donate.
- The focus of this committee does not indicate any generosity to anyone beyond those who donate
What do you think about this committee’s bylaws?
REVISED September 2012
Each teacher is requested to join the Committee with a $25 entry fee. (TLB)
The administrator repeatedly announced over the PA system, durin the school day, that the Committee dues were due.
Hospitality Committee By-Laws 2012-2013 School Year
1. In case of hospitalization due to serious illness that requires 3-4 or more consecutive days of absence, of any staff member, a plant or gift of $25 shall be given.
2. In case of death of a staff member, a memorial or $100 shall be given.
3. In case of death of an immediate member of the family of a staff member (mother,father, sister, brother, child, spouse, mother-in-law, or father-in-law), a memorial of $25 shall be given (including auxiliary personnel – social worker, nurse, psychologist,
cafeteria staff, custodial staff, BUDS services).4. In case of the death of a closer relative a card shall be sent.
5. In case of death of an educator in the school system, such a Superintendent, Principal of another school, or Supervisor, a card shall be sent.
6. Any faculty member who completes a degree or who becomes Nationally Board Certified shall receive a $25 gift certificate.
7. The “Teacher of the Year” (TOY) and Classified Employee of the Year shall each receive a $50 gift certificate in the year she/he serves as Teacher of the Year or Classified Employee of the Year.
If I were Teacher of the Year, I would not want to be tagged TOY (TLB)
8. Upon marriage of a faculty member, a gift certificate of $25 will be given (auxiliary personnel). (Staff members who have paid dues are not required to give a gift if a bridal shower is given).
9. For the birth of a baby, or legal adoption of a child, the faculty member shall receive a gift certificate of $25. (Staff members who have paid dues are not required to give a gift if a baby shower is given).
So, if all of the teachers join this committee, and they have a baby shower – can we all show up without a gift? (TLB)
10. For retiring faculty members, a $50 gift certificate shall be given at a school gathering.
11. Staff Christmas party and End of the Year picnic shall be partially funded as determined by the Hospitality Committee.
This is so only partially hospitable (TLB)
12. All staff are encouraged to participate in the Hospitality Committee. If you choose not to participate, you may not be included in the above monetary gifts.
Does this mean that I may be included because I’m special and the others are not? (TLB)
THE BY-LAWS WILL STAND AS WRITTEN FOR THE 2012-2013 SCHOOL YEAR. ANY OTHER CHANGES WILL BE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF FUTURE HOSPITALITY COMMITTEE.
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I believe that Harry is Little Johnny’s distant cousin.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
– unknown
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Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here’s a way to change all of that:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your “Bullshit Bingo” card by drawing a square — I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns — five across and five down. That will give you 25, 1″ blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
synergy strategic fit
core competencies best practice
bottom line revisit
take that off-line 24/7
out of the loop benchmark
value-added proactive
win-win think outside the box
fast track result-driven
mindset empower (or empowerment)
knowledge base at the end of the day
touch base client focus(ed)
ballpark game plan
leverage3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”
Testimonials from satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:
* “I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” –Jack W., Boston
* “My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” –David D., Florida
* “What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.” –Bill R., New York City
* “The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.” –Ben G., Denver
* “The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed “BULLSHIT!” for the third time in two hours.” –Kathleen L., Atlanta
I stole this from a friend named Lynn. No idea who she stole it from.
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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
I stole this story from SBaker – a Facebook Friend.
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,
‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’!!
I stole this from a good friend (mother-in-law) in Maryland
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A lady friend drove up to the bank. She wanted to go to the first window with the drawer, but the sign said “Out of Service”, so she pointed her car to the next aisle where the Flying bank tubes are.
She pulled up to the tube and began filling out her deposit slip and signing the dozens of checks she wanted to cash. Being aware of her surroundings, fortunately no one was behind her because putting the deposit together was taking some time.
It took a few minutes to put the deposit together, yet still no teller. She looked into the bank window and saw a teller sitting in a chair away from the window. It looked like she was reading a book. “I wonder why she is ignoring me,” thought the lady in the car.
She decided to give the teller a few more minutes. To use the idle time she began looking at her email messages on her smart phone.
Another few minutes passed and still no teller. She looked in the bank window and the teller was still seated in the same chair reading her book. The teller looked up in time to catch the eye of the lady in the car, and then looked back down at her book.
Now the lady in the car was getting slightly pissed off. She started looking agitated and was just about to honk her car horn or even yell out loud, “WTH lady – come over here and help me!” Fortunately the teller decided to come to the window seconds before the lady in the car went off.
The speaker turned on as the teller said, “Excuse me Miss. If you need my help please use the tube or press the “Call Teller” button. I’ll be happy to help you out.”
“What an idiot,” said the lady in the car, to herself, about herself.
“I forgot, thanks for reminding me,” she said as she reached for the bank tube.
The point of this story is to remind us all to THINK before we YELL. It’s best to be sure who the Idiot is before you get all fired up.
If you are the Idiot and you start screaming, you become the Bigger Idiot. Just saying.
Teddy Burriss 