Teddy Burriss

Are you Listening to me

  • Halloween Costume Story

    Halloween Costume Story

    I found this on a Facebook post from a friend.

    Funny Halloween Costume Story

    A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

    Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

    She asked him, “did you dance much?”
    He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”

    Halloween Costume Story – could this happen to you?

    Author unknown

    Do you have a Halloween Costume Story?

  • Man vs. leaves

    The battle has begun.

    I saw my first squirmish on the north side of Winston-Salem early this week.

    Some may say it’s a little late in the year for these battles to begin. Yet, the leaves are still preparing for battle. They are not all quite ready to join in.

    The battles are just getting started in every community, city and state across the country.

    You can see and often hear the battles going on around you.

    At times it appears man is winning the battle, then with no warning, the leaves begin to let go even more and overtake man’s efforts as they collect deeper and wider.

    The weapons man uses continue to change, often more sophisticated. Bigger equipment, stronger tools and faster machines. Yet just as often, the weapons can regress back to old school manual tools.

    Sometimes man will attack in the early morning or late evening. Sometimes a local battle will go on from sun up to sundown.

    Sometimes the leaves let go from their position and unload a massive attack upon man just as the temperature drops and the rains begin.

    I’ve seen man retreat, but never for long. Eventually, after a long hard fought battle man will win that battle, but never will man win the war.

    The leaves have an advantage. Every year they will return. To start yet another never ending series of battles in a never ending war.

  • My 6 Wedding Dresses

    My 6 Wedding Dresses

    How many other men have bought 6 Wedding Dresses

    I bought my first wedding dress in 1978. It is the most beautiful wedding dress I have ever seen. It was far more beautiful because my bride was wearing it for my first wedding. I still have this dress in my closet and periodically I open the case it’s in just to see it.
     
    I bought my next wedding dress in 2000. This dress was just as beautiful as my first one. I don’t remember the conversations about this dress, just that we bought it. I shed a small tear or two and was a little choked up standing beside my oldest daughter who wore this dress as she married my first son-in-law. I love this dress as much as I love my first one.
     
    Six years later I bought my next wedding dress. This dress took quite some time for us to find. I’ll never forget the text message. A picture of a dress with these words, “I love this one Dad.” I had been waiting for what seemed like forever at a bookstore while the women searched for dresses. As my daughter walked towards me my wife said, “She has to have this one.” As requested, I didn’t.  Later on, as I walked my third oldest daughter, in our wedding dress, down the aisle towards her fiancé, I again choked back a few tears, especially as I pulled up her vale and hugged her before I handed her off to her husband. That was a gorgeous wedding dress.
     
    Three years later we again searched for the perfect wedding dress. This search was a little more difficult. I’m not sure why, but we ended up buying two wedding dresses. I was about to ask “Why?”, when fortunately before the words jumped out of my mouth, my wife counseled me, “Don’t ask. Just smile and say OK.” Again, I did as she asked. It made sense during my youngest daughter’s wedding. She was happy and looked beautiful in our wedding dress. My baby had grown up and I was one proud daddy. If it took two wedding dresses to make her happy, so be it.
     
    I bought my last wedding dress in 2012. I expected this purchase to be a tedious task of searching, fittings and more searching. However, after searching Pinterest, online stores and one shopping trip, we found the perfect dress. I was not invited to go on this trip, but I got to see lots of pictures. I remember once or twice being asked my opinion. I’m a very smart man, from my previous wedding dress purchase experiences I knew what to say, “That dress is gorgeous honey. If you like it, I love it.” As I walked with my second oldest daughter, in our wedding dress down the aisle to her soon to be husband, I found it hard to hold back the tear (or two), especially as I handed her off to the new man in her life.
     
    I’m not sure how much money I spent on My 6 Wedding Dresses. It’s irrelevant.  My life has been immensely blessed from the changes buying these dresses has created in my life.
     
    I got to marry the woman of my dreams and 35 years later she claims to still love me. This is great because I love her just as much today as I did the day she wore our first wedding dress.
     
    I got to be a part of raising 4 beautiful daughters. They were beautiful in our wedding dresses, and even more beautiful women, wives, mothers, and people.
     
    I’ve collected a stable full of stallions who are now great friends and caretakers of both my daughters and 4 or 5 of my wedding dresses.
     
    And, today, I’m the proud Grandfather to seven Grandchildren. I’ll drop what I am doing at any time to go help or play with these youngsters.
     
    I probably won’t buy any more wedding dresses, but I’m blessed to have bought

    My 6 Wedding Dresses.

    I first published this as a guest post on Moms on Triad 

  • What would David Michael be doing now?

    I was three years old in 1961. My family lived in Barnesville Maryland in a small farmhouse at the foot of Sugarloaf Mountain.

    My little brother, David Michael was born on August 22, 1961.

    David Michael died in October of the same year. Just a little more than one month old.

    I don’t remember my little brother, however, I often wonder, if he were alive today, what would he be doing.

    Here is a good guess as to what David Michael would be doing today.

    He is 52 years old today (August 2013). He is living in a nice house in the suburbs of Philadelphia Pennsylvania.

    David Michael’s wife is Samantha. They have 3 children who are now between 24 and 29 years old. All of the children have moved out of their parent’s home and now live with their respective partners in the Philadelphia area. Samantha and David Michael often cajole their kids for grandkids.

    Samantha is a successful real estate broker, who loves her business. David Michael has his own business management consulting business. He is very successful and enjoys his work.

    David Michael loves spending time with his wife, children, and their partners. Regularly all of them gather at one of the family members homes. Each gathering is a party because they enjoy each other’s company, laughing, cooking, dining, telling stories, discussing current societal topics, watching movies and playing card games together.

    David Michael is a community leader and active civic volunteer. He loves to help others and enjoys seeing good people succeed when they try harder than they thought they could and by accepting a compassionate tug up from someone with a caring heart.

    David Michael and Samantha travel frequently and enjoy the vineyards of California, the lakes of Minnesota and Blue Ridge mountains.

    David Michael and I don’t talk very often, we are both busy with our own respective families, communities, and businesses. When we do talk, we pick right up where we left off.

    Often when I imagine what my little brother is doing now I can clearly see that he is in love with his wife and kids, happy in life and knows that he lives a blessed life.

    I compensate for never knowing my little brother by imagining him as a happy, successful, imaginative, passionate, giving and loving person.

    I am comforted for the death of my little brother by my imagination and my belief that God is caring for David Michael as his child in heaven.

  • Dear Daughters – It may be time to leave North Carolina

     North Carolina Education System Failures

     

    Hello girls. It’s Dad.

    I apologize for what I’ve got your family into.

    When we move to North Carolina in late 1996, we were excited about the possibilities.

    The cost of living was reasonable, the lifestyle was calm and relaxed, the school systems appeared to be in a mode of improvement. All of this while businesses were growing and changing as Tobacco, Furniture and Textiles were on the way out. Everything seemed positive to us.

    However, I failed to notice that one of the most important aspects of living here is quickly going to pot.

    I am afraid of the North Carolina Education System Failures

    The North Carolina Public Schools are failing your children, my grandchildren.

    I am embarrassed to tell people that I live in Davie County NC. The bickering, drama, personal attacks and narrow-minded opinions regarding building a new Davie County High School is pathetic. I quietly weep when I hear parents in this county say, “we can’t have two football teams” or “It’s not fair to build a new high school in the northern part of the county where all the ‘rich’ people moved” or “I don’t have any kids in school, I’m not agreeing to a new school.”

    I am embarrassed at how Winston-Salem Forsyth County Schools administration treats their Pre-K programs. I am appalled at the way WSFCS treats these teachers, assistants and the development programs of these students. Forcing these Pre-K and Kindergarten students to learn in ways that they are not developmentally ready to learn, (i.e. not being allowed to play, explore, experiment naturally) is unacceptable to me. Trying to bring in math & reading programs into Pre-K classes is setting up our youngsters for educational failure.

    There are many North Carolina Education System Failures I see setup to negatively affect your children, my grandkids, including:

    • rapidly increasing and even unaffordable insurance benefits for our educators
    • requiring our educators to pay the school system when you use an earned personal day.
    • no raises in six years and the expectation that there will be no raises in 2014. As I understand it NC is now the 48 lowest teacher pay state in the nation.
    • increasing class size with no limits while reducing the number of assistants
    • the elimination of the teaching fellows, a great program for attracting new highly trained teachers.
    • the continuation of the three years probation period with no licensure renewal benefits and other limits that career educators do not have.
    • Merit pay programs tied to unproven and disparate measurements

    Is anyone else worried about the North Carolina Education System Failure?

    Regularly I hear our government civil servants tell us they are working hard to build our economy by encouraging businesses to move their operations to North Carolina. I can’t help but believe this economic development work is like a house of cards. How do they entice any great businesses to join us in North Carolina while at the same time ignoring the pressing needs of the school systems?

    The most recent failure is when our Governor Pat McCrory gave his staff pay raises in a time when every other civil servant is asked to do more for less. I applaud Aldona Wos, of Health and Human Services of declining the pay raise and pledging to work for $1.

    Girls all of these issues and the lack of belief that anyone has a good plan to correct what I refer to as a failing education system worries me. I am afraid of what will happen to your children, my grandchildren.

    I have started doing research to find a state that has a better vision than North Carolina. Yes, other states are facing the same budget constraints, however, I’m sure there are smarter people in our Nation who have found a way to keep education as one of the top priorities in their state.

    I’d rather not move or have you move out of North Carolina, there are lots of great reasons for living here. However, the future of your children and my grandchildren is my priority.

    Dad

  • My evening with a cockroach

     

     My evening with a cockroach

    I will never forget this night.

    I checked into the Select Inn of Tulia Texas after a long day of air travel and driving. After getting my room key I headed off to my room. I was looking forward to a quiet night and a good night’s sleep, in a truck stop motel. Yeah, maybe my expectations were too high.

    When I got into my room I rushed thru my nightly ritual, pulled back the covers and jumped into the bed.

    Within a few minutes, I started to doze off. Despite the periodic truck lights peering through the gaps in the curtains as they pulled into and out of the truck stop, sleep was imminent.

    Right before I fell into a deep sleep I realized that I was not alone in the room. I opened one eye just enough to see what appeared to be the biggest cockroach I have ever seen, and he was crawling up the bedspread towards me.

    Because I was still awake enough to control the situation I was in, I did just that.

    Slowly I slipped my right hand out from under the covers. Moving my hand towards my bed partner, I flexed and cocked my middle finger in preparation to flick my guest off the bed. He continued heading my way.

    At the right moment, I let go my middle finger and sent the cockroach soaring through the air. He smashed into the mirror and fell backward onto the dresser with a loud thud.

    This may be hard to believe, but, what I saw next was absolutely bizarre.  He rolled off his back, onto his 6 legs, stood up straight, stared at me and shook his head as if to say, “That’s the best you got?” He commenced heading towards me again.

    I wanted to get a good night’s sleep and had to end my relationship with this cockroach quickly. I got out of bed, walked over to the dresser, reached down to the floor, picked up my shoe and smashed it down on the creature’s head. Our date night was over.

    The rest of the night was uneventful.

    In the morning, as I checked out the front desk clerk asked, “how was your evening sir?”

    “I slept well, despite the demise of my room guest. Please offer my apologies to housekeeping.”

    My evening with a cockroach was short lived.

  • Clemmons NC Black Bear – HIT & RUN

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    The Clemmons NC black bear – Hit & Run Death

    The Clemmons NC Black bear got hit by a car this morning.

    This bear had wandered into town, likely searching for good food and/or meeting someone new.

    However, as he traveled around the city he decided to attempt crossing I-40. Unfortunately, he did not navigate the speeding cars.

    Here is a video of the crime scene related to the Clemmons NC Black bear

    Here is a picture of the local police at the scene of the hit & run

     

     

    This story of the Clemmons NC Black Bear got picked up by WFMY News2, WXII 12, Journal NowFox WGHP, WBTV, News&Observer, DailyAdvance and ABCNew11

  • Happy Mothers Day 2013

    For all my Family & Friends who are Mothers – Happy Mother’s Day

     

  • It’s over, we’re finished and I don’t love you any more

    How do I say these words to her?

    This question had been weighing heavily on his mind for weeks now.

    He had finally given up on the relationship but did not know how to tell her.

    In the beginning, he felt special.

    The conversations, messages, and phone calls were all alluring, often personal and seductive in many different ways. She often shared tantalizing videos with him.

    He felt that she could be the one.

    He had been tempted to try another for his new relationship.

    Some seemed interesting to him, but he felt they were just a little too tawdry, maybe a little bit fake. He steered clear of them.

    There were others that were interested in him as well. He found some to be too glamorous, too full of life and zest for him. He thought they might only be interested in his money.

    He soon discounted all of these and turned his attention back to her.

    She always treated him well. She always met all of his expectations. She even offered him gifts regularly. She never seemed interested in money. She seemed to care for him because of who he was and how he treated her. She regularly told him that their relationship was built on trust and respect. This made him happy.

    She was always pleasant when he saw her. Her smile lit up the room and her soft voice was always pleasant to his ears. The other guys were jealous of his relationship with her. “Wow man, you got lucky,” they would say.

    Every time they talked, she was eager to hear from him. She wanted to listen to him share his dreams and his plans for the future. She was delighted, often giggling when he talked about “taking their relationship to another level.” He enjoyed making her feel special.

    Early in the relationship, he was ecstatic. He was overjoyed that he had found the one for him.

    However, relationships don’t always last. In the fifth year of their relationship, the happiness began to deteriorate.

    She began treating him with less respect and compassion. She nearly stopped caring about his needs and desires altogether. When he asked her to help him with something, she acted as if he was being unreasonable and pushy.

    Yet, her expectations of him never changed. She expected him to spend money on her, just as always. Regardless of how she treated him, she expected him to fulfill all of her needs.

    Over time the divide between them grew deeper and wider.

    When they talked, she acted as if she pretended there was no problem. However, he could feel the passion was no longer there.

    “Our relationship is important to me, I’ll do anything to keep us together,” she would say. Sometimes with emotion, often as if from a script. This hurt him.

    She said, “I care for you and want our relationship to grow.” He had heard these words from her so many times. Eventually, he no longer valued them.

    Each time she failed to deliver on her promise to do better, they talked. He wanted her to do better in the relationship. It was as important to him, but he could tell it was not important to her.

    “Please, trust me. I will do better. I need you,” she would say. These pleadings stung him deeply each time she uttered them.

    The conversations slowly turned into only email messages. He no longer wanted to talk with her, yet he still did not know how to tell her it was over.

    At times he felt that despite the trouble, he should stay with her. Their relationship had gone on for nearly five years now. This was a long time for him.

    He asked some of his friends what to do. Some suggested that he keep trying. Some friends tried to introduce him to others.

    Some days he worried about her, while other days he was so upset he just wanted to call her one last time and yell at her, “It’s over! You have ruined our relationship and I never want to hear from you ever again! Go away!” Yet, he was not an angry man and would never say these words to her.

    Even while trying to solve the problems she would send him letters and gifts as if their relationship was still alive. This hurt him even more. She did not seem to see their relationship crumbling.

    In time it became clear to him that she no longer cared for him at all. She was just desperate to keep a broken, one-sided, relationship alive. Likely her only concern was that he would find another.

    Finally, after weeks of her constant failings, with no new commitment to being a better partner, he decided the time had come. He knew how to tell her.

    He sat down on the porch of his beach house, the salty mist sticking to his face, the oncoming storm blowing sand across his bare feet. He opened his laptop computer and clicked on compose a new email.

    Dear Danica (aka GoDaddy)

    It has become quite clear to me that you do not care about my needs any longer. My site has been down far too often over the past few months. Therefore, I have created a new relationship with BlueHost.

    I’m sure this new relationship will be much better for me.

    Teddy

    I wrote this story as a creative writing contest for Writerweekly.com on 4/14/2013.

  • Are you with the Right Partner?

    by

    ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?

    During a seminar, a woman asked,” How do I know if I am with the right person?”

    The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, “It depends. Is that your partner?” In all seriousness, she answered, “How do you know?” Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind replied the author.

    Here’s the answer.

    Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love.

    People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.”Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

    Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

    Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

    At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships break down.

    The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.

    People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

    Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

    I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later.

    Because (listen carefully to this):

    The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the Person you found.

    SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

    Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

    Love is, therefore, a “DECISION”. Not just a feeling.

    Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO! ♥

    Author Unknown

    Thank you to my daughter for sharing this article with me

  • Dear GoDaddy – Your customer service is horrible

    by

    Dear GoDaddy

    Please do not send me a canned response to my third message about my site(s) not being accessible.

    Please do not include “advertisements” for additional products when if you read my message you can obviously see I am unhappy.

    Please know that I am on my last nerve and actively looking for a new service provider.

    24/7 Sales & Support: (480) 505-8877 – 24/7 Billing Support: (480) 505-8855

    Our support staff has responded to your request, details of which are described below:

    Discussion Notes
    Support Staff Response
    Dear Teddy,

    Thank you for contacting Online Support.

    I understand you have been unable to access the website when you visit teddyburriss.com/blog &burrissconsulting.com/tlburriss. Upon review of the issue, it appears that I am able to successfully resolve the pages when I visit teddyburriss.com/blog & burrissconsulting.com/tlburriss. You may need to clear your browser cache if you are still unable to access the website. Clearing your browser’s cache might help alleviate many problems including:

      • Failing log in attempts to any website
      • Out of date information displaying on a website
      • Slow Web browser performance

    Before clearing your cache, log out of any websites you’re currently logged in to.

    To Clear Your Cache in Google Chrome™

    Open the Tools menu, and select Clear Browsing Data.

    Select Empty the cache.

    From the Clear data from this period list, select Everything.

    Click Clear Browsing Data.

    To Clear Your Cache in Internet Explorer® 8

    Open the Tools menu, and select Internet Options.

    Click on the General tab in the dialog box.

    Under Browsing History, click Delete...

    Select Temporary Internet Files and History, and Cookies and any other private data you want to delete.

    Click Delete.

    To Clear Your Cache in Internet Explorer 9 and 10

    From the Tools menu, select Safety, and then select Delete Browsing History.

    To Clear Your Cache in Mozilla Firefox®

    Open the Tools menu, and select Clear Recent History.

    In the Details list, select Cache, and any other private data you want to delete.

    Click Clear Now.

    To Clear Your Cache in Mozilla Firefox 15

    From the Firefox menu, click Options.

    Go to the Privacy tab.

    Click Clear recent history.

    Select a Time range to clear, and then click Clear Now.

    To Clear Your Cache in Netscape®

    Open the Edit menu, and select Preferences.

    Expand the Advanced menu by clicking on the plus sign (+).

    Select Cache, and click Clear Cache.

    Click OK.

    To Clear Your Cache using Firefox® on a Macintosh®

    Open the Tools menu, and select Clear Recent History.

    In the Details list, select Cache, and any other private data you want to delete.

    Click Clear Now.

    To Clear Your Cache Using Safari® on a Macintosh®

    From the Safari menu, select Preferences.

    Go to the Privacy tab.

    Next to Cookies and other website data, click Details.
    NOTE: You can also click Remove All Website Data to completely clear the browser’s cookies.

    Select the websites for which you want to remove cookies, and then click Remove.

    Click Done.

    To Clear Your Cache Using Safari on iOS®

    Open the Settings application.

    Tap Safari.

    Tap Clear Cache.

    Please let us know if we can assist you in any other way.

    Regards,
    Gilbert P.
    Online Support

    Customer Inquiry
    FYI – here is the message I get when trying to access my sites (teddyburriss.com/blog or burrissconsulting.com/tlburriss)

    Internal Server Error

    The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.

    Please contact the server administrator and inform them of the time the error occurred, and anything you might have done that may have caused the error.

    More information about this error may be available in the server error log.

    Apache Server at www.teddyburriss.com Port 80

    Customer Inquiry
    Name : Teddy Burriss
    Domain Name : teddyburriss.com
    ShopperID : 31052231
    Phone : ——-
    Shopper Validated : Yes
    Browser : Mozilla/5.0 (Macintosh; Intel Mac OS X 10_8_2) AppleWebKit/537.22 (KHTML, like Gecko) Chrome/25.0.1364.160 Safari/537.22
    Issue :
    Repeatedly my site & the blogs that are on it are unaccessible. I called and talked to support a few weeks ago, however, the problem persists. please help me to make my site & the associated blogs on it accessible.

     

    If you need further assistance with this matter, please contact customer service at (480) 505-8877 and reference [Incident ID: 18142818].

    Please let us know how we are doing by completing the survey located here.

    To thank you for your patience, we’d like you to enjoy 20%* off your order of $65 or more at GoDaddy.com. Simply use source code gdbb687 when you order or mention the code when you call (480) 505-8877.

    Thanks,
    Go Daddy

    P.S. As a Go Daddy customer you’re already a member of our affiliate program. Click here to start earning commission instantly.

  • The affects of the death of newspapers

    by

    As we, as a society, decide that we no longer need newspapers and magazines, there are many areas of our lives that will need to change as well.

    Consider what you use newspapers for beyond getting the news. We all use newspapers for lots of daily tasks that we take for granted.

    Hopefully, we can find answers to the problems that the lack of newspapers will create for us.

    We will need to work together in order to find answers to the problems that this change will create.

    Here are 15 areas of our lives that we will need to adjust as we deal with the slow death of newspapers:

    1. Provide news – We can this virtually faster & from more sources than ever
    2. Provide coverage – Another source will need to be discovered quickly to cover up mistakes we make around the house
    3. Offer protection  – We have other sources of material for wrapping our fine china, but as in #2, we need to find other sources as well.
    4. Use in gift wrapping – Men, we may need to consider using real wrapping paper. Then save it for item #2 and/or #3
    5. Bottom of the birdcage – We need to find other sources of material for this. Maybe bright colored tissue paper from our gifts.
    6. Windshield cleaning – We may have to go back to using bath towels and t-shirts for this
    7. Painting & project work – We will need to find another source of material for the small item painting, gluing and staining projects. I don’t want to use tissue paper for this.
    8. Help in writing – We have found our new sources of this. Our blogs, Tweets, Facebook statuses & LinkedIn articles are just a few.
    9. Use in arts and crafts – This could be the biggest challenge. What will we use for Papier-mâché projects? Easter eggs, dinosaur eggs, face masks, etc., etc. This could be a major catastrophe.
    10. Use in paper airplane making – Fortunately, we still get brochures and flyers in the mail (for the time being). If we can do it without being caught, we can always raid the printer paper.
    11. Help in building a fire – This will be another area where we will need to find a replacement source of regular fire starting material. I’ve used tissue paper and love the bright colors of fire. Maybe this is the new source.
    12. To boost friendship – The ability to share articles, blog posts and social media posts has already replaced this task and expanded our ability to make new (ie virtual) friends.
    13. For a moment of peace – We have replaced reading the newspaper in peace with listening to PodCasts with our headphones on.
    14. Coupons – Fortunately our grocery stores and manufacturers are building digital solutions already.
    15. Puppy Training – We are not supposed to be smacking our puppies on the snout anyway.

    This is just a short listing of the areas of our lives that will change. Surely, many people have other areas of their lives that will be affected adversely.

    Yes, the days of using newspapers for much more than reading news are quickly disappearing.  Change occurs every day, let’s keep working thru this change together.

  • The polite way to say I have to pee

    by

    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners decided to quiz her male students to see how they would handle this question. 

    She was a little concerned as to the responses she could get from some of the men in the class but decided to pursue the question anyway.

    Here is what happened.

    “Gentleman, how would you announce to your dinner date that you have to go to the restroom?”

    “What about you Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

    Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

    The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

    Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.  I’ll be right back.”

    “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

    “I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’”

    The teacher fainted.

  • My first Prostitute engagement

    This is hotel story 2 of 6. This one is PG-13.

    Earlier I wrote the story “Is this a brothel.” This one although not as bizarre, it’s funny to me.

    I parked my rental car at the Microtel in Allentown PA, grabbed my suitcase and computer bag and slammed the door shut. I clicked the lock button on the key fob as I walked towards the entrance of the hotel.

    Sitting on the curb was a lady, dressed in a short dress, boots and looking just a little bit different than a typical hotel guest. I wondered if she was a hotel employee waiting for her ride home, but her attire was not what I expected for a hotel laborer. She did not look like she had done any work, yet. Her hair was all “done up” and she did not look like most people look after a hard day at work.

    I did what I usually do when I walk past someone and said, “Hello.”

    She responded appropriately, “Hi. A great night isn’t it?” I continued walking as I replied, “Yes it is. Have a great evening.”  This ended our initial engagement.

    I checked into the hotel just as my memory kicked in. A few years ago I stayed in this hotel and experienced the prostitute activity, read “Is this a brothel?” I wondered, was this going to be a similar night?

    I forgot about it all as I headed to my room. My mind was on one thing only – I was hungry. I dropped my bags in the room and headed back out the door.

    I walked out of the hotel entrance, thinking about what to eat. My plan was to drive down the street to the Outback. Heading towards my car, there she was again, my prostitute. This time she was standing next to the curb as if waiting for me.

    “Hello again. Where are you going?” she asked.

    “I am going to get dinner. I’m starved.”

    Her next statement caught me just a little bit off guard, “Do you want some company? I don’t want you to pay for my dinner, but I would love to keep you company as you eat. Maybe we can do a movie later too.”

    I admit it took me just a second or two to develop my reply, “That is very nice of you. However, I want to be alone at dinner. It’s been a rough day and after dinner, I am going to bed alone.”

    She threw me another curveball, “Are you sure, I can help you unwind if you want. I’m really good at helping men unwind.”

    Again, it took a second or two for me to find the correct answer, “I appreciate the offer, but I absolutely do not need the company. Have a great evening.”  I opened my car door, slid into the car and waved goodbye as I hit the lock button.

    She barely waved back at me as she looked away towards another hotel guest who had just driven up.

    I wondered if I would see or hear her again later that night. I did not.

  • Is this a brothel?

    This is story 1 of 6. This story is PG-17.

    I traveled to Allentown Pennsylvania often. The Microtel (4325 Hamilton Blvd, Allentown, PA, US, 18103) was close to the office I worked in, so I often stayed there. The rates were reasonable, rooms a little small, but they served the purpose – crash for the night and get a decent nights sleep before going back to work.

    I remember two experiences staying here, that I want to share with you. Here is story number 1

    I checked into the hotel as I usually do, around 8pm. Because I had already been to dinner, I was heading into the hotel for the evening.

    After wrapping up some computer work (dial-up internet back then – yuk), I read the local newspaper and watched some news. By 10pm I was done for the day.

    I turned out the lights and fairly quickly fell asleep.

    I don’t recall the actual time,  likely after midnight, I woke to noise outside. I got up and looked out the window.

    My window overlooked the front entrance of the building. Lined up in a row were 3 cars. Numerous women were getting out of the cars. All of them were dressed in what I could only imagine as a prostitute looking attire.

    They were hanging all over the cars saying goodbye to the drivers who, one after another, drove away into the darkness of the night. One after another, nearly a dozen women paraded into the hotel lobby.

    I was wide awake now as I wondered, had I made a reservation into a brothel? I had stayed in this hotel numerous times and had not seen this before. Nothing seemed unusual about the hotel staff or the random guest that I saw each time I had stayed here before.

    I decided to ignore what I saw and go back to bed. As I started to fall asleep, another set of noises woke me.

    In the room next to me I could hear what seemed to be a man and woman having a good time. I was blown away that the walls were this thin and or that this couple was this loud. As I wondered if I would ever be able to get back to sleep, I started to get just a little ticked off. My anger did not soar until I heard the next sounds. From the same room, two men started yelling at each other, arguing. I could not hear all that they were saying, but I clearly heard this phrase repeatedly, “My turn, It’s my turn!!!”

    OK, it all came together now. The girls of the evening were not ending their shift, they were just getting started.

    While the arguing and noise continued next door, I called the front desk. This is what I told the clerk, “I don’t care what is going on in the room next to me, but you need to move them before I call 911 and tell the cops that I think someone is getting killed. Got it?”

    In less than a minute I heard the door open into the room next to me. All the noise stopped immediately. I heard a guy yell, “F*** him, who does he think he is?” I heard someone else tell him to calm down. Beyond a few more rustling noises, I heard nothing else.

    Within a few more minutes I heard nothing more.  Finally, all the noise was gone and I laid back down in hopes of going to sleep.

    The alarm went off at 6AM. I showered, shaved and got dressed. I collected my belongings and left the room.

    While checking out I asked the morning shift front desk clerk, “Who are your typical guests?”

    “Regular businessmen like you sir,” was his reply.

    “Did anything unusual happen last night?” I asked.

    The clerk’s reply was, “No sir, the night guy just left and told me nothing new last night.”

    I decided to leave without questioning anymore. I imagined that the night shift does not tell the day shift everything.

  • Darwin Awards

    If any of these stories below are about you, please call me and admit to it.

    A friend sent this to me via email. I could not confirm it’s on Darwin Awards page yet.

    Yes, it is that time again for the Darwin Awards.
    Read below and just shake your head in wonder.

    Here is the glorious winner:

    1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
    excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
    you money, is a crime committed?]

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from”

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

    In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

    **Remember – They walk among us

  • Cowboy Bob

    A cowboy named Bob was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses, and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

    Bob looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful herd gazing nearby and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bob says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

    “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bob.

    “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

    “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

    “Now give me back my dog.”

    AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

  • Hard back, paper back or digital?

    A friend told me that she had to do something this morning that she feared to do so, just a little.

    She had to go to the Library.

    This lady is a psychologist, well educated, smart and not afraid of anything, normally.

    She told me that in grad school all she needed to do was write down the list of resource materials she needed and hand the list to the librarian, who then searched and collected the books for her.

    This was not going to happen on this trip. She would have to research the books she needed and go find them herself.

    We joked about walking into this massive room filled with row after row, after row of shelves. Shelves from the floor to the ceiling, far beyond our reach. Each shelf containing hundreds if not thousands of books.

    We joked about wondering where to start. Would there be someone there to support her as she searched for those three or four books that she needed out of millions of choices?

    We joked about how she would search. Would there be a micro-fiche available? Did the library still have the card files? Would there be a computer system with all the information? Would she remember how the Dewey Decimal system worked? Would there be someone there to help her when she got overwhelmed or lost in the abyss of books?

    Preparing to write this post, I googled Dewey Decimal system. Check out this video – it’s funny.

    I’m going to call my friend later today. I hope she found what she was looking for in the library and survived the experience. Not that it’s a new experience, but because it is slowly becoming an adventure of the past.

    Maybe she gave up and went to Itunes or Amazon. We’ll see.

     

  • I need to find the RIGHT Real Estate Agent ABR®AHWD A-REOTM CCIM® CDPE© CDRS CIAS™ CIPS CNHS CRB® CRS® e-PRO® GRI PMN QSC® RCC RSPS SRES® TRC ICREA

    I need to hire a Real Estate Agent.

    I am not sure what I want to buy or which house I am going to sell.

    Real Estate Agents have more certification acronyms than doctors do. I don’t know what Acronym offers the best certification; therefore, I want to find a real estate agent with all of these certifications.

    I will not do business with a real estate agent that does not have all of these acronyms on their business card, Facebook Profile, LinkedIn Profile, Twitter Profile, Blog Profile or Google+ Profile. I figure I’ll get the right agent if they have all the certs.

    If you know this person, have them contact me.

    They must have all of the certifications listed below:

    ABR®, AHWD,  A-REOTM,  CCIM®,  CDPE©,  CDRS, CIAS™, CIPS, CNHS, CRB®, CRS®, e-PRO®, GRI, PMN, QSC® , RCC, RSPS, SRES®, TRC, ICREA

    Even though I am joking about this, I truly wonder who benefits the most from so many different certifications.

    I believe in certifications, to some degree, but I am so confused about all of these certifications and wonder if anyone else is as confused.

    Furthermore, I am not a big fan of all of these certification acronyms being smattered all over business cards, & Social Media profiles. It looks so horrible.

    Teddy SME, BF, NFME, PSP, CCTC, Freak®

     

    For those who are now wondering I am:
    SME – Social Media Extraordinaire
    BF –Blogging Fanatic
    NFME – Networking for Mutual Benefit Extravert
    PSP – Public Speaking Professional
    CCTC –Certified Career Transition Coach
    Freak – yeah, just Freak.

  • A Bad Sex Story or Good Capitalism

    A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

    The little boy says ”It’s dark in here”
    The man replies ”Yes, it is”
    Boy – “I have a baseball.”
    Man – “That’s nice.”
    Boy – “Want to buy it?”
    Man – “No, thanks.”
    Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
    Man – “OK, how much?”
    Boy – “$250”

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
    Boy – “Dark in here.”
    Man – “Yes, it is.”
    Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
    The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
    “How much?”
    Boy – “$750”
    Man – “Fine.”

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab
    your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
    The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
    The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
    Boy – “$1,000”

    The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, “Dark in here.”

    The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!”