Shopping Servant

God created Men to take care of lots of different things. One of the tasks that God expects Men to handle is the caring for and protecting of Women.

We are charged with the protection of Women because in general we are bigger, stronger and in many cases more assertive than the female human. We are supposed to keep predators away from Women and make sure that no one gets in their way.

We are required to care for Women because God gave us the ability to hunt wild animals and fish. It is expected that we will make sure that Women have the best possible bounty that Nature provides.

(Please tolerate these generalizations for the sake of the story.)

I am sure that God put into motion the evolution of this relationship, because today we are also required to do much more.

Today we are also supposed to be the Shopping Servant or “SS” for Women.

Whether we like it or not, whether we realize it or not, Men have become Shopping Servants for our Women. This is a charge in life that we can not dispute or hide from.

I am finally ready to admit that I, Teddy Burriss am a Shopping Servant for my wife. And, if I must say so myself, I am quite good at it.

I spent this past Saturday touring some of the various shopping areas for the specific purposes of writing this important story. I saw no less than 87 qualified shopping servants and a few new shopping servants as well. The differences were easy to spot.

A new, yet to be fully trained shopping servant is generally a Man who has either recently proposed or possibly just gotten married.

A fully trained and qualified Shopping Servant is generally a man who has been married at least 20 years and clearly know his role while shopping.

Here are a few noticeable differences that are very easy to spot:

A newbie shopping servant stands right beside a woman as she looks at items that she is interested in purchasing, more often than not, far too close so as to impede the shopping activity. A qualified Shopping Servant knows to give a woman more space to properly shop.

A newbie will actually ask a woman if she wants him to carry her purse. A more seasoned Shopping Servant knows that if she wants us to carry or hold her purse, she will let us know. We know better than to reach for her purse.

A newbie shopping servant may be intimidated and feel uncomfortable when asked to shop for personal things. I have personally witnessed a newbie get nauseous in a drug store when asked to come down the feminine products aisle. I have seen a newbie try to hide behind his woman while standing in front of the Vagisil shelf when he thought he saw one of his work buddies. A qualified shopping servant will actually call out to his woman and let her know that he found the Tampax she uses, is heading over to get the Vagasil and will meet her in the stockings aisle.

Shopping with a woman in a grocery store is very easy for any Shopping Servant. Women allow us to immediately push the shopping cart down the beer aisle to pick up the biggest case of our favorite beer and then they let us scurry over to the chip aisle and get our game day chips. Women let us do this because they know it makes us comfortable. They must know that with these prizes in our cart we will gladly help with the rest of the grocery shopping.

However, a man pushing a shopping cart thru the aisles of Bed Bath & Beyond is another story. A newbie Shopping Servant will try to guide a woman toward specific items that he may be interested in. Like the fancy coffee machines, big sharp knives or new techie items he saw thru the window. A seasoned shopping servant will read his woman’s mind and know that he has to navigate the cart into the sheet section and wait while the woman compare thread counts on sheets with designs that no man will admit to sleeping on. He knows that after this he will be told where to navigate the cart to next and when to stop. A seasoned shopping assistant accepts pushing a cart full of Knicks-knacks, pillow shams, current rods, toilet brushes, cute soap dishes, colorful gardening gloves and fancy dish towels. He will not publicly complain or ask why. A newbie will become noticeably embarrassed when his challenges are shut down swiftly and without mercy by his woman.

One rule that a newbie shopping servant learns quickly is the Agreement Rule. When shopping, no matter what, a man must always agree. Pure & Simple. Never deviate from this rule. When a woman asks a man if he likes something, or if it he thinks it would look good on her, she has an opinion. Find out what her opinion is and then agree with her. If she has not formed an opinion, suggest to her that she to get what she wants and not what you want. Stick to that statement, no matter what.

A newbie shopping servant will boldly guide his woman to the highest priced items because he assumes, “only the best for my woman”, regardless of any possible savings. A more seasoned shopping servant knows better. We know that a woman’s unstated agenda for spending money on certain items requires that she save money on less important items. Because of this, we will let her know when we see a discount rack of mens clothing, children’s underwear or yard items. We would never point out discount purses, women’s shoes or belts. Doing so would create an opportunity for public reprimand, and we will not let this happen.

Being close by is another important skill for a qualified shopping servant. A newbie shopping servant is likely to make one of two mistakes. He could be overly attentive and create an uncomfortable shopping experience for his woman. Sometimes she will want to ponder a gift for him and he better not be standing there. And, if she turns to ask him a question or to hand him an item to carry, he better be standing right there. Or else. It takes years of practice to develop the skills needed for a shopping servant to know when to be available and when not to be around. Afterwards, a shopping servant’s task will be less stressful and more enjoyable.

Other shoppers can get in the way of a shopping servant’s job. You better be paying attention to your woman and not get caught looking at anyone else. If your woman turns to ask you to do something and you are staring at another shopper (especially another woman), lord help you. This will create another opportunity for a public reprimand. Physical pain has been applied during this level of reprimand. Newbie shopping servants will learn this the hard way. I have seen grown men cry after being reprimanded for staring at other women while shopping. Seasoned shopping servants wear sunglasses, even in the stores and generally are never caught doing this.

In conclusion, a skilled and qualified shopping servant knows at all times, to be where he is supposed to be, do as he is told, go where he is told to go, never act intimidated, know that shopping is for her, not him, keep his eyes only on his woman and always agree. Then and only then will he be allowed to go home and drink his beer and eat his chips.

Another story from Teddy Burriss. I hope you enjoyed it.