Teddy Burriss

Are you Listening to me

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  • Do you need to pray more at work?

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    A friend of mine sent this to me and I thought it worthy of posting in my stuff.

    If you have ever thought of poisoning, choking, punching or slapping someone that you work with, you need to pray more

    When you hear a coworker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, “what the (&(&% does she want now?”, and you hide under your desk, you need to pray more

    When someone comes in and announces, “Office meeting in 5 minutes,” and you think, “what the *#$^ do they want now?”, you need to pray more

    When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no noe else would do it and you think “sorry !@*#&^$)%))”, you need to pray more

    If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it’s going to lead to their whole *&$@($)*$ life story, you need to pray more

    When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing “good morning” to everyone and you think, “Somebody needs to slap the #@$*&^#* out of her”, you need to pray more

    When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, “Which one of you sons of a b*&$%^*(* turned off my computer?”, you need to pray more

    When you’re in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing to only go DOWN one floor, and you say “that lazy b(*^&*&”, you need to pray more

    AND

    If you know al the works that have been bleeped out, You DEFINITELY need to pray at work! Let us all bow our heads now.

    Another story from Teddy Burriss. I hope you enjoyed it.

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.

  • Old People working the System

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    I got this story from a friend of mine as well. I enjoyed it and want to share it with others.

    George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

    He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

    George said, Okay. He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

    “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
    One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

    George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

    Another interesting story from Teddy Burriss. I hope you enjoyed it.

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.

  • As I mature

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    I have stated repeatedly that Maturity is not something that I subscribe to.

    Recently, my son-in-law made the profound statement that when you have children, “You must begin to be more responsible, but you do not need to be more mature.”

    And yesterday my wife emailed me this little story which I feel obliged to share and respond to.

    As I Mature

    I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope that they panic and give in.

    I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

    I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

    I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for fifteen minutes. After that you better have big body parts (I modified the wording here – use your imagination)

    I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

    I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you are finished.

    I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

    I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, passion fades, and there better be a lot of money to take its place.

    I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of the kids did it.

    I’ve learned that the people you care the most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

    The story she sent me went on to say – “Pass this along to 5 friends. They will appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not, tough shit.”

    Now – I interject some thoughts here.

    Even though the story my wife sent me was a joke, It got me to thinking about my life and what I have learned.

    I’ve learned that as I get older, I keep learning. I believe that most of the really important stuff in life I learned long after I got thru my 20’s.

    Years ago I may have wished to know what I now know.

    Then I wonder – If I knew more back then, would I have taken the same path in life? Would I have met the same people and experienced the same life events? If not, WOW, what a scary thing to consider.

    I have had a great path so far thru life. I’m not going to get into details here, those of you who know me, know some of the important details. I would not want any of the important details of my life to change, at all. Not at all!

    So, I offer. Go for the ride of life, treasure the path you set yourself on and the people who are on the ride with you. And for the Love of everything sacred, never look back and wonder “what if?” It won’t change the path you have already travelled.

    Another posting from Teddy Burriss. I hope you enjoyed this story.

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.

  • Craigs List Personal Posting

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    This is an email that I got today – thought it was a good story (regardless of how true it is)

    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

     

    Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST

    

    I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.
    

    

    I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize. I didn’t expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside.
    

    

    You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?
    

    

    It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.
    

    

    I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
    

    

    I threw the wallet in a fancy pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the driver side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service.
    

    

    I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI with it.
    

    The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
    

    

    I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated.
    

    I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.. – Alex
    

    

    

    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Market Crash of 2009 – An Understandable Explanation
    



    

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    A friend of mine emailed this to me today – I think it pretty much explains the economic chaos we are in today
    

    This explains everything. At last, what we’ve all been waiting for, an understandable explanation of derivative markets…
    

    Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers – most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
    

    Word gets around about Heidi’s drink now pay later marketing strategy and as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar and soon she has the largest sale volume for any bar in Detroit. By providing her customers’ freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
    

    A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future asset s and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
    

    At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on security markets worldwide.
    

    Naive investors don’t really understand the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, their prices continuously climb, and the securities become the top-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses who collect enormous fees on their sales, pay extravagant bonuses to their sales force, and who in turn purchase exotic sports cars and multimillion dollar condominiums.
    

    One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the bank (subsequently fired due his negativity), decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.
    

    Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Therefore, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
    

    DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %. The decreased bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans.
    

    The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment extensions and having invested in the securities are faced with writing off her debt and losing over 80% on her bonds.
    

    Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 50 workers.
    

    The bank and brokerage houses are saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by a tax levied on employed middle-class non-drinkers.
    

    Finally an explanation I understand.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Urban Legend or Not – There is a shortage of bits and bytes
    



    

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    Read the history first – then get ready to freak out.
    

    The internet was developed as a project referred to as ARPAnet back in 1965.  There were only two people involved in the entire internet back then.  A dude named Charles Herzfeld and another guy named Ian Peter.
    

    Their plan was rather simple – they needed a way to transmit information from one computer to another so that they would not have to get up out of their chairs.  Believe it or not, it was that simple of a need.
    

    Thru the end of the 1960’s and into early 1970’s, this is all email did for anyone.  Charley & Ian sent some instructions to some other people back then (by US Mail) and this guy named Ray Tomlinson came up with another idea.
    

    He figured that if this internet thing did a good job of sending letters and stuff back and forth to different computers, then maybe he could use it to send other short letters back and forth between himself and some other guy named Bolt Beranek.  This way they could get by without even talking to each other all day long.
    

    This is how email got started.
    

    Hang on now, a lot more stuff happened as well.
    

    Somewhere back before AOL created IM, some dudes at Berkely University created this thing called Unix Talk which was the first Instant messaging thing.
    

    Today we have thousands of little applications running around the internet sending all kinds of files and messages around the world.  FTP, AIM, Facebook, Chat, WebEx, Video Conferencing, etc, etc, etc.
    

    Now here is the problem.
    

    According to experts, who I can barely talk with since they have dozens of cool physics and mathematics degrees, we are now beginning a seriously dangerous crisis. 
    

    We are running out of bits and bytes.
    

    Apparently the only way new bits and bytes are added to the internet is when we plug in a new computer or computing device.
    

    As I understand it from these experts, it is the transistors in computer that are the only source of new bits and bytes.
    

    Years ago, when the only things transmitted across the internet were a few files, the number of transistors connected to the internet far exceeded the number of bits and bytes used by these files.
    

    Today, we send over 200 billion text messages a year, 183 billion emails a year, 100,000 + Movies (HD uses more bits) a year and we are still trying to get good information on how many pictures and voice mail messages we transmit each year.
    

    The conservative estimate is that the sum of all of these different types of internet messages assuming a 64bit file structure and an average file size of 155KB each, far exceeds 600 Gazillion individual bits and bytes a year.  By the way, a Gazillion is a Trillion Trillion and I lost track of the number of zeros involved.
    

    According to Garner – today we are barely able to produce this many bits and bytes each year.
    

    Companies such as Microsoft, Cisco, Symantec and other internet security and connectivity companies are doing their best to help us.
    

    There is a worldwide ongoing effort targeting useless emails, chats and other internet documents.  The systems used to do this are publicly referred to as Junk Filters, Spam Managers and Antivirus tools.  The truth be known, these systems were created with the explicit task of recycling bits and bytes.
    

    Even with all of these efforts, we may not be able to stop the crisis.  There is a task force headed up by very smart people around the world looking at ways to solve this problem.
    

    Please, until we come up with a solution, pay attention to the amount of emails, text messages and especially ugly pictures that you post on web sites like LinkedIn, MySpace, Flixr and Face book.  If we all try to help out, we may be able to save the endangered bits and bytes and by doing so, save the internet.
    

    Thank you for your help.
    

    Another story by Teddy Burriss.  I hope you enjoyed it.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    I lost my Car
    



    

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    In 1976 I acquired a 1966 Chevy II from my older brother. I am not quite clear how I ended up with this car, but for the sake of staying out of trouble with Nelson, I am sure that I paid him lots of money for it. Probably far more than what it was worth.
    

    This was a pretty cool car, (cool is relevant to this was 1976). I think Nelson got the car from a racing friend named Buddy Bodmer.
    

    When Nelson got done fixing the car up it was a pretty cool car.  Baby blue two door with Cregar Chrome wheels on it. Fat wheels on the back and thin, bicycle wheels on the front. Under the hood was a Chevy 350 V-8, which barely fit in there. Nelson put a 4 speed transmission in the car and it had a big Holley Carburetor on top of the engine. (Actually at one point I think it had a Six Pack on top of the engine – again – Cool).
    

    This was a race car relevant to all the other cars we had back then.
    

    Now, back then I did a lot of pretty dumb stuff. Some of which I will tell thru these blog, some I will never repeat.  One night I was heading home from a night out on the town. Likely from Frederick MD or possibly the Rockville MD area, since I was driving thru Comus MD to the house we lived on outside of Barnesville.
    

    When I got into Comus I stopped at a little gas station and convenience store to get a coke, bottled coke from a machine.  It was late and the store was closed, but back then the coke machines were out front and easily accessible.
    

    I pulled my car up the little hill into the parking lot of the store and parked my car next to the gas pump.  Not the use of singular “Pump”  No two sided gas pumps and there certainly were not rows of gas pumps back then. The pump was the old style that actually had a crank on the side of the cabinet to reset the counter for amount of fuel and the cost. Also, there was no credit card slot, let alone credit cards back then.
    

    I jumped out of the car swung around and swaggered (Cool again) up to the coke machine. Back then the cost of a 12 Oz Bottle of Coke was likely $0.50 and the machine only took change. I slid my two quarters in the machine, press Coke and waited for the bottle to fall. When it did, I grabbed it, and popped the top off on the opener that was mounted on the front of the machine. With my back still to my car, I took a few drinks of Coke and then turned to walk back to my car.
    

    My car was gone.
    

    I stood there for a moment wondering what the heck was going on. Then I heard it.
    

    My car had dual Hush Thrush mufflers on it and I could tell the sound of my car over anyone else’s, especially at this hour of night since no other cars were around, let alone running. I could hear the car, but after scanning the area, I could not see it.
    

    I listened more closely and then figured it out. My car had rolled down the hill, across the road and into a ditch. I ran down to the side of the road and saw my car. It was still on its wheels, but it was stuck in a bunch of bushes and small trees. No way was it coming out of that ditch by itself. Crap!
    

    I had to make that phone call that I had made so many times before.
    

    Remember, this was sometime in 1976 and we did not have cell phones back then. Fortunately, I had some quarters left and there was a payphone at the store as well.
    

    I had to call the house. There was only one phone in the house. It was in the kitchen. No matter what time of day or night, any time the phone rang one of my brothers or sisters would eagerly run to answer it.
    

    I can’t recall exactly who answered the phone, but I do recall the insane laughter when I told them what had happened.
    

    This story ends with two activities. Charlie Glass, who owned a tow truck business in Poolesville MD came out to Comus and pulled my car out of the ditch, for a reasonable amount of money (again 1976).  For weeks I got laughed at by everyone for this shenanigan.
    

    The only reason anyone stopped laughing at me for this, is that eventually I did something else equally ridiculous or possibly more bizarre.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Quote of the day
    



    

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    “Wisper and it is likely no one will hear you. Twitter and the entire world may hear you. Never Twitter what you would only whisper.” TLB 3/15/2009.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Fishing – my way
    



    

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    Back in 1977, I had graduated from Poolesville High School and one of my best friends, Clark Brown still lived up the street from where I lived.  We lived a few miles away from a pretty good sized river, the Monocacy River.  There is an aqueduct at the river where most guys went fishing. 
    

    Back then Clark liked to do two things.  Fish & drink beer.  I liked to drink beer, but I do not like to fish.
    

    I saw Clark in town early one Saturday and he asked me to go fishing with him.  Let me repeat.  I do not fish.
    

    Clark said, “Come on, let’s go fishing.  I’ll bring the beer.”
    

    Now, I did like beer, actually I still do.  So I agreed to go fishing as long as Clark brought the beer.
    

    I met Clark that night down at the aqueduct.  He was sitting on the bank with a tackle box, two fishing rods and a case of beer on ice.  He had his line baited and in the river already.
    

    I sat down on the bank and before I got to grab a beer, Clark pushed a fishing rod in my hand.  “Go ahead, put some bait on the hook and cast a line,” he said to me.  “Then you can have a beer.”
    

    I knew the basics, so I grabbed a worm out of the bait box, slipped it on the hook, clamped a wait and bobbin to the line and cast out into the river.
    

    Then, I got my beer.  I was happy.
    

    Sometime during the first beer, I pulled my line back in, fortunately with no fish on it, and I cut the hook from the line without Clark seeing this.
    

    For the next 4 or 5 hours Clark pulled in fish after fish. Each time he pulled in a fish, I pulled in my line, pretended to check the bait or put more bait on the line, and then recast the line. Then I would get another beer.
    

    Clark laughed his head off at me.  You can imagine the fishing story that Clark told everyone.  I told him I didn’t fish, and I didn’t.
    

    We ended the night of fishing and drinking when the beer ran out. 
    (Disclaimer – I am not going to say we drove home.  As you all know, I would never do that after drinking.)
    

    Now, fast forward 20+ years later.  One spring I visited some folks in Maryland and stopped by Clark’s house to say hello.  Clark and I laughed about some of the things we did when we were teenagers and the fishing story came up.
    

    I asked Clark if he remembered that he was the only one who caught any fish.  He laughed at me when he remembered. 
    

    I told him what I had done.  Clark stopped laughing and told me that I owed him a case of beer. 
    

    I still do.  One day I will get him one.  By the way, I still do not fish.
    

    Another posting from Teddy Burriss.  I hope you enjoyed this story.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    The Edicts-some people do not understand
    



    

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    Sometime in the late 1990’s I came up with a new response to the question, “How are you doing?”   I almost always respond with a variation to, “I’m unbelievably fantastic, hovering near ecstasy and right now it is not chemically induced.”
    

    For many years the edict that I had used to guide my life is – “Any time you can, to anybody you can, and those who can’t take it – do it again.” – This was all about having fun and teasing or joking with the world.  Joking around with Neil Myers, a buddy of mine from Winston-Salem back in the early 2000’s, we came up with this while traveling around the country working for Agribiotech (ABT).  We were masters at following each other’s lead as we harassed people with the most outrageous stories we could come up with.  More often than not, the stories were ridiculous, but we did not care.  It was fun to mess with people’s heads as the edict required.
    

    One day, standing in a line, likely at an airport, Neil and I repeated the edict to each other.  “Any time you can, to anybody you can, and those who can’t take it – do it again.”  A little old lady standing in line with us, turned and looking me squarely in the eyes, said, “That is disgusting!”  I’m guessing she misunderstood the edict.
    

    Today I have a new Edict. I stole it from a business associate of mine, and I’m sure he made it up himself; however he could have gotten it from the web somewhere.
    

    Any way – I like it and I’m going to use it as a new guiding phrase for me in life.
    

    “Live, Laugh and Love, because Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: WOW… WHAT A RIDE!”
    

    If you like any of my edicts, – use them to guide your life – I share.
    

    Another great posting from Teddy Burriss – I hope you enjoyed it.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    I built and destroyed a Server system all by myself.
    



    

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    Way back in the early 1990’s I went to work for a Computer VAR franchise in Gaithersburg Md. I quickly got involved in all kinds of computer systems. We sold accounting systems and AT&T Xenix systems. I also got involved in developing what were referred to as 4GL (Fourth Generation Language) applications.
    

    One of our customers was the Administrative offices of Chevy Chase Village. This was a high end community outside of Washington DC.
    

    They purchased from us an AT&T Xenix Server, about 15 big ugly green terminals, 3 or 4 giant tractor-feed printers and a program call Smartware that I used to write an application to track a very unique inventory – the trees in the community.
    

    This community tracked every tree. Probably a couple thousand trees back then. They wanted a database system where they could enter each tree id (they had a serial # tag on each tree) and they wanted to print a report on tree damage and any tree work that needed to be done.
    

    Please don’t ask me why, but believe it or not, in 2009 they still have a Tree Committee, chaired by a guy named Robert Elliott.
    

    Back to my story.
    

    I put together the AT&T hardware, installed the Operating System, installed the application software, built the termcap files for the terminals, setup the users, file permissions, and brought all of it out to the client’s office and set it all up.
    

    Everybody loved what I put together, until – I went to do the next step. I had to setup the Tape Drive to automate the nightly backups.
    

    Everything back then was done on a command line. And, most commands were about getting input from one device and sending it out to another.
    

    I typed in a command thinking it was going to read the hard drive and write the data to the tape. But, instead the command I typed in actually started to write “null” or nothing to the hard drive.
    

    Don’t misunderstand this – writing nothing meant when the program ends, there should be nothing there – sort of like DELETE!!!
    

    When the program started I turned my head to talk to someone standing near me. In less than 1 minute people started calling me to say that their terminals were acting strange or showing lots of weird errors.
    

    I looked at the terminal I was working on and instantly saw what I had done. Sweat appeared instantly on my head and I actually started to shake. I knew I had just trashed everything I had just spent weeks putting together.
    

    I took the high road. I walked into the office of the Village Manager, pulled a gun out of my pocket and blew a hole in my head.
    

    Actually, I walked into his office and he asked me why his terminal had errors all over it. I told him that I had just discovered a serious flaw with the operating system and unfortunately because I had not been able to make a backup, I would have to fix it manually. I explained to him that this could take another 3 or 4 days, because fixing it would mean reloading the operating system. I assured him that I would put the time in necessary to fix the problem.
    

    I called AT&T technical support, quietly told them what had happened and begged them to stick with me while I reloaded everything.
    

    Fortunately I found a very compassionate engineer and he walked me thru some short cuts for reloading everything.
    

    I spent at least three or four 15+ hour days redoing everything that I had previously spent weeks doing.
    

    When I got done, I stopped, drank a glass of water and wrote down on paper the backup command that I wanted to use previously. I looked at it for at least 5 minutes before I typed it in on the keyboard. I looked at it for another 4 or 5 minutes before I pressed the enter key.
    

    Almost instantly I heard the whirl of the tape drive and then saw the program response saying that it was writing files to the tape.
    

    Once the backup was complete I walked around the office and turned all of the printers and terminals on. The users started to log back in and again, everyone was happy.
    

    I went to the Village Manager and told him that thanks to AT&T we were able to get it all back up and running. He thanked me for all of my dedication to fixing the problem. “Exactly, what went wrong?” he asked me.
    

    “I’m not really sure.” I told him. “I think it was something to do with the backup commands. Since we reloaded it all, we can’t tell. But I’m sure that once I leave, you will not have this problem again.”
    

    This is yet another story from Teddy Burriss – maybe, just maybe you will laugh with me.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    My compassion for an old dog
    



    

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    Back in the early 2001, I worked with in the corporate offices of a North Carolina company. One of the ladies there was a widow who had a dog that was quite old and with failing health.
    

    One day I walked into a conversation about all of the medicine that she had to buy for her sick dog. I asked her how the dog was doing and she told me he was not doing well. I decided to add my 2cents.
    

    I told her that I hear about a new treatment that would surely make the dog’s problems go away forever. She asked me to tell her what the treatment was.
    

    “Lead implant”, I told her. “And as I understand it, usually it only takes one shot to fix the problems.”
    

    Fortunately for me, she did not get what I meant. However, another lady in the room quickly got it and as she looked me dead in the eyes she slowly shook her head back and forth as to say, “NO!!! Do not joke about her dying dog!!”
    

    Now, I figured out that maybe, just maybe she was right. So I recanted my recommendation by saying, “Wait a minute, I have this wrong. I think the news story I heard was actually something to do with zinc treatments for some kind of a skin rash. I hope your dog gets better soon.”
    

    This is yet another story from Teddy Burriss – maybe, just maybe you will laugh with me.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Discovering they are having Twins
    



    

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    Around April 2007 my daughter Jessie and her husband, Oscar were sitting in the examining room at Jessie’s OBGYN.
    

    They believed that Jessie was about 1 or 2 months pregnant with their 2nd child.  
    

    The nurse was performing an Ultra-sound and examining Jessie and the fetus.
    

    The nurse was doing the usual Ultra-sound activities, swaying the probe back and forth, up and down across Jessie’s stomach, while looking at the video monitor.
    

    Suddenly, she reduced the movements down to just a slow sway back and forth as she uttered words you never want to hear in an examining room, “Uh, Oh, I don’t believe it.”
    

    Jessie did not get a chance to respond before Oscar excitedly asked. “Believe what?”
    

    Here is how the rest of the discussions sounded:
    

    Nurse “There’s two”
    

    Oscar “Two what?”
    

    Nurse “Two babies”
    

    Oscar “Where?”
    

    Nurse “Right here”
    

    Oscar “In her?”
    

    Nurse “Yep”
    

    Oscar “No way!”
    

    Nurse “Yep”
    

    Oscar “Oh man!”
    

    Nurse “That’s Great!”
    

    Oscar “Yeah, right”
    

    It took just a few seconds longer for Jessie and Oscar to get into sync and the overwhelming emotions of happiness swept over them.  The nurse left the room as Oscar and Jessie clung to each other with happiness. 
    

     This is yet another story from Teddy Burriss – maybe, just maybe you will laugh with me.
    

    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Teddy Burriss – the Fake Cop?
    



    

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    Have you ever played the role of Fake Cop?
    

    In 1977 I drove down the highway in my Dad’s Chevy Blazer. It was a tall vehicle and I could see down into the cars I passed.
    

    My Dad pushed snow with the Blazer and it had a big yellow hazard light on top of the truck as well as on the front of the snow plow equipment.
    

    The light was one of those that spun around inside a plastic dome. If it was red or blue, it could be mistaken for an emergency or police light.
    

    I pulled up alongside a guy in a little car who was rolling a joint.
    

    I slowed down, pulled up behind the guy and turned on all of the hazard lights. Here we go as I play Fake Cop
    

    He looked up in the rearview mirror as I waved him off to the side of the road.
    

    He immediately started stuffing his weed into his mouth, chewing and drinking from a coke bottle (big glass bottles back then).
    

    It took about 30 seconds for him to eat his weed, then he slowed down and pulled off the side of the road.
    

    I pulled up alongside his car, waved, laughed and drove off as quickly as I could.
    

    To this day I feel bad for the guy as I played Fake Cop. 
    

    I would have hated to have to tell my buddies why I did not bring the marijuana to the party.
    

    This is yet another story from Teddy Burriss – maybe, just maybe you will laugh with me
    

    

    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Quote of the Day – Technology
    



    

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    As the world changes, flattens and tightens up, the best thing you can do is do it different and faster. 
    

    The right technology can help you make this happen.
    

    The wrong technology will bury you.
    

    Teddy Burriss – 3/5/09
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Can you help me again this year
    



    

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    Hello Folks;
    

    As you may know, I am an active volunteer with the March of Dimes.  Not only am I involved with the Chili Championship, but I also am involved with the March for Babies.
    

    I got involved with the March for Babies in late 2007 after my oldest daughter Jessie gave birth to twins Daniel & Gabrielle about 2 months premature.  I had no idea how much money it costs to use the NICU and the amount of work that the doctors and nurses do in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  It was quite an emotional experience for our entire family; however today they are healthy 1 year old kids.  They are just now walking and are still very small for their age, but they are healthy.
    

    This year I have decided to put together a team and walk at the Winston-Salem March for Babies on April 18 @ Bolton Park.
    

    Here is my request and offer to the many great people who year after year help me with my charitable work:
    

    Request – Sponsor my team @ http://www.marchforbabies.org/TBurriss with any amount of money you feel you could offer.
    

    Personal Offer – For every $10 sponsorship you give, I will enter your name into a raffle for a $50 Starbucks Card. (If you prefer Panera, I will change the card for the winner).
    

    If you give me a $50 sponsorship, I will put your name in the raffle 5 times.  $100 – 10 times.  $500 – 50 times.
    

    Why March for Babies? Because the March of Dimes champions the needs of moms and babies in our community and across the nation. The money we raise for March for Babies will help:
    

    – support all-important research offering preventions and solutions for babies born too soon or with birth defects
     – educate women on things they can do to increase their chances of having a healthy baby
     – provide comfort and information to families with a newborn in intensive care
     – push for newborn screening and health insurance for all pregnant women and children
    

    Won’t you please help me in this worthy cause? Contributing to my walk online is fast, easy and secure. You can donate directly from my personal webpage with a credit card or PayPal. If you prefer, I can also accept cash or check. Just click the appropriate box on my webpage.
     My personal web page address for donations is http://www.marchforbabies.org/TBurriss
    

    Would you like to see what March for Babies is and why I’m walking?
     Click http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P_dFD0J47I to see the video.
    

    Thank you to all of my friends for any support you can provide.
    

    Teddy
    

    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    I Lost my Credit Card at a Bar – this worked out great
    



    

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    For many years I traveled for work. It started in the 1995 when I went to work for Loft Seed, a grass seed company in New Jersey.
    

    I lived in Monrovia Maryland with Becky and the 4 girls, Jessie, Rachel, Megan and Lauren. Most of the time I worked from home however; Lofts also had me working at their branch offices in Bound Brook New Jersey, Boston, Pennsylvania, Atlanta Georgia, Wilmington Ohio, Albany Oregon as well as Laurel Maryland. This made for a butt load of traveling.
    

    Every other week I worked at the corporate offices in Bound Brook. For these trips I drove my 1992 Dodge Colt (lovingly referred to as the Smurf Mobile) from Maryland to Bound Brook NJ. The drive was 210 miles and about 4 hours up Rt. 95 to the New Jersey turnpike. I paid for that car with the business mileage.
    

    It was a very easy drive. The New Jersey turnpike is a toll road. $10.50 round trip.
    

    Side Story – Every time I made the ride to New Jersey I collected nickels in one of my cup holders. One trip I forgot to get cash and had to pay the $1.10 toll with nickels. As I drove up to the toll booth I counted out 22 nickels and put them in my shirt pocket. When I reached the booth, I scooped out the nickels and handed them over to the toll booth operator. He looked at me with the most amazed look and asked me if I was seriously paying the toll with nickels. He yelled over at the guy in the next booth, “Hey this fool is paying me with nickels.” I got just a little bit mouthy with him and reminded him that nickels are legal tender and that I would have paid with pennies if I had the time to count them out. The toll booth operator snarled at me and said to be quiet – “I have to take your nickels, but don’t have to listen to your crap”.
    

    On another trip to New Jersey I saw this same guy. He remembered me and asked me if I was going to pay with nickels again. Again, I fulfilled my credo – Everyone remembers Teddy Burriss.
    

    Back to the original story – On my trips to Bound Brook I stayed at the same hotel. It was a Ramada Somerset, outside of Bound Brook. I spent so many nights there that eventually the general manager assigned me to one room and told me to hang onto the hotel key. He said he would bill me weekly, unless I called him and told him that I was not coming up that week. From that day on, I just walked into the hotel and straight to my room. No check in, no check out. It was the beginning of other really easy travel arrangements.
    

    Side Story – Monthly they gave away a brief case at this hotel. Each time I walked by the checkout counter I threw my business card into the brief case. At the end of the month I always had the most business cards in the case. Over about an 18 month period of time the general manager gave me 2 briefcases. And all of my business cards.
    

    Back to the original story again – You can imagine that traveling around the country and living in hotels I spent a lot of time at restaurants. I also piled up a boat load of Frequent Flier miles and American Express points. Maybe I’ll tell you more about this later.
    

    On one particular night I went to a small bar and grill outside of Bound Brook. On nights when I ate by myself (most nights), I ate dinner either at the bar or at a bar table. This night was the same. I ordered a meal similar to most any other travel night. Some kind of beef, a baked potato, a salad and a beer (or two). I never rushed when I ate dinner and on some occasions I started up a conversation with the bar guests near me. Usually just current event or sports banter, never much more than that.
    

    After finishing my dinner I asked the bar maid for my bill. She brought it to me and after my usual quick review, I gave her my American Express card. She left to run the card.
    

    In about 10 minutes I called to her and asked what the problem was. She told me that they lost my credit card. She assured me that they would find it soon. I assured her that I was patient and was not worried. I asked her to bring me another beer and a round of drinks for the couple that I was sitting next to while I waited. She obliged.
    

    Another 15 minutes went by and I called to the manager for assistance. He said that they were still looking for my card. I again offered that I would continue being patient. I asked for another round of drinks for me and the couple that I had begun to talk to even more. He obliged just as the bar maid had before.
    

    In another 20 minutes, I began to lose patience. I called for the manager and told him that I had to leave. He said he understood, apologized for losing my credit card and then asked me if I had another card to pay my bill.
    

    I politely chuckled and told him that I did not have another card. I told him that he had my American Express and that this was the only means I had to pay the bill. I explained to him that without this card I would have problems for the rest of my trip paying for my hotel, rental car, airlines and meals. He said he understood and told me that if they found the card that he would arrange to get it to me and that he would settle my bill against the card.
    

    I again chuckled and told him that if I left the hotel without my credit card that I would have to call Amex and cancel the card. I asked him if he would leave his card behind without doing the same. He said he understood.
    

    I left the restaurant thanking him for his help. When I got into my car, I immediately called American Express, cancelled the card and arranged to get a new one delivered to my office before 10am the next day. This is why I love AmEx.
    

    The next morning @ 10am my card showed up. At 10:15 the restaurant called me to say they found my card and wanted to know if I could come in and settle the bill. I told them that I was already out of the state and could not do that. I told them that the next time I came to the restaurant that I would settle up the bill.
    

    There are dozens of great restaurants in the Bound Brook area. I never got back to that restaurant. I would recommend it to anyone traveling to Bound Brook, but I can’t remember the name. Only went there once.  Either way, be careful with your credit cards in Bound Brook.
    

    This is yet another story from Teddy Burriss – maybe, just maybe you will laugh with me.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    My First Boat – 1980
    



    

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    Some men have dreams of owning different types of big boy toys. These toys cost big bucks compared to the toys we had when we were young. Some men would love to have a motorcycle while others would be really excited to have a little sports car. Lots of men would be excited to own lake front property or season tickets to a really good football or basketball team.
    

    On a side note, as men get older and continue to desire these different items, they are badgered and accused of having a “Mid-Life Crisis.” I have heard this phrase dozens if not hundreds of times from my wife and kids. At this writing I’m 51 years old and I am here to tell you, I have not, nor expect to have a Mid Life Crisis. I have continuously desired various different materialistic things over the past ½ century and this desire has not increased or decreased in intensity as a result of my age. I regularly tell my wife that my desire for these materialistic things is nothing more than a plan. I plan to have a motorcycle (and I did), a sports car (and I do) and a boat (which I did).
    

    Ok, back to the story of my first boat.
    

    In the early 1980’s I worked at Neutron Products in Dickerson Md. This was a radiation facility where approximately 50 people worked. I worked in the chemical plant area of the facility.
    

    One evening while at home with my wife I got a letter from a marketing company. They told me that a well known European boat company hired them to help promote their boats in the United States and that they were giving away a bunch of these boats to people who lived in the Maryland area, near small lakes and rivers. I lived near both the Monocacy & Potomac rivers.
    

    The dude on the phone told me that I had won a boat. Go figure, I never win anything and now I won a boat.
    

    Not just any boat, it was a pontoon boat large enough to hold 6 people with a trolling motor. Now, I am somewhat untrusting of most marketing and sales people, so I asked what I thought was a hundred questions. Then I got hit with the hook. I had to pay the shipping for the boat – $125 freight charge.
    

    The marketing dude had me hooked. Every question I asked him was answered with even more great statements of how fabulous this boat was and why I should pay the shipping costs for such a fabulous pontoon boat.
    

    The dude told me that they needed me to give them a review of the boat and in order to be fair to the marketing process they could not give the boat to me. In order to get around this requirement they had to have me pay something toward the cost of the boat. He assured me that the small fee they were asking me to pay would far outweigh the significant value of the pontoon boat. This guy was really good and had me nearly begging him for the boat.
    

    Disclaimer – I was only 20 years old!!!
    

    OK, I gave the guy my credit card # for the shipping fee.
    

    Now, remember, this was back in the early 1980’s. Credit card scams were not very popular back then and I had no real fear of that scam.
    

    I told the guy to ship my boat to Neutron since I knew it would be too large to be dropped off at the townhouse we lived in. And besides, I had the truck and would be able to haul it home in the bed of the truck.
    

    Now, as a cocky 20 year old, I did what any other 20 year old would do. I went to work and told everyone that I had won a boat. I told the ladies in the reception area of the plant to let me know when the delivery truck arrived so that I could come help load the boat into the back of my truck. I told everyone that as soon as I got the boat I would host a party on the river.
    

    A bunch of my friends even asked to use the boat one weekend to go fishing. Of course, being a new boat owner, I told them sure. No problem.
    

    About a week went by before the delivery came. I expected this; it was not like the boat was a little item.
    

    Then the day came. In the middle of the day, I was working in the plant when the receptionist paged me.
    

    “Teddy, come to the lobby. Your boat is being delivered. Teddy – your boat is in the lobby.”
    

    I ran up to the lobby to find my boat. On the floor in the lobby was a box about 8” thick, 3’ long and 2’ tall.
    

    OK, I was floored. The boat was a rubber raft. Just like the ones you could buy from the local boat shop for about $125.
    

    All of my buddies at work got a great laugh out of that. I took it like a man. I called the marketing company and complained until I was blue in the face. They did not care. I agreed to pay the shipping for a pontoon boat and that was what they shipped to me. Too bad.
    

    Before I hung the phone up, the guy asked me if I planned to fill out the survey card that I agreed to originally. All I could do was laugh at the guy, and myself.
    

    That was my first boat. I believe it dry rotted a long time ago. The paddles are still in the garage.
    

    This is yet another story from Teddy Burriss – maybe, just maybe you will laugh with me.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Larry went swimming
    



    

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    As a child, probably as an early teenager we lived in Union Bridge Md, we raised some beef cattle. 
    

    

    

    For the story, you may want to see how the property was laid out. Here is a drawing of the house, apartment, stables, garage and pool at the farm in Union Bridge. To the left of this patio was a thin tall 2 story apartment. I think one of our teachers rented this apartment.
    

    That single winter in Union Bridge we kept our steers, Larry, Moe & Curly in the stables.
    Each of the steers had their own stable. Plenty of grain & fresh water served to them in a nice warm stable. We kept fresh straw on the floor and tried our best to clean out the stables daily.
    

    Each of the stable gates was locked so that the younger kids could not get into the stables or let the steers out. Dad was serious when he told us to always make sure we locked the gates after feeding the steers. Apparently, one night one of us forgot this step.
    

    We were sitting in the kitchen one night during a really good snow storm. In Maryland we used to have some really good snow storms. Back then I loved it.
    

    That night we probably had just finished eating dinner when one of us looked out the kitchen window and saw what appeared to be tracks in the snow from the stables over to the pool. Now, the pool was full and it had iced over. The snow sitting on top of the ice could be real deceiving to anyone not familiar with a pool. At that hour of the night the tracks could only have come from one of the steers, who had no pool experience.
    

    Dad went outside and ran over to the pool. There was a large hole in the ice, and floating in the hole was Larry. Larry was still moving around, but he had worn himself out thrashing around in the water. That winter Larry was not quite ready to go to slaughter, so he probably weighed about 400-500 pounds. Not enough to butcher, but far more than one guy could pull from the pool. Dad called out to us boys (Nelson, me and Fred) and got us to come outside and over to the pool.
    

    With Dad’s help we got a hold of Larry’s legs and we pulled with all of our might, after what seemed like hours, we finally had Larry up on the side of the pool. I don’t remember exactly how we did it, but we probably used one of Dads small trailers to haul Larry back to the stables. I’m sure that Mom pitched in and we got Larry dried off and into a fresh bed of straw. Dad put a heat lamp over top of Larry to help warm him up.
    

    While waiting for the Vet to come over and check out Larry, we noticed that the gate lock was missing. One of us boys had not locked it. We looked all over the stables and could not find it. Dad was upset with us for letting this happen. He laid into us pretty good. I’m not sure who made the mistake; it must have been Nelson or Fred. Couldn’t have been me. Dad made us look for the lock over and over. It was not to be found, yet.
    

    I did not hear the medical report from the vet, but it must have been something like, “He’ll live if you keep him warm”, otherwise Larry would have been hauled off to the butcher.
    

    We kept vigil over Larry that night and into the next few days. Slowly Larry regained his strength and stood up. Everyone was happy.
    

    Larry continued to gain weight. Finally the day came for him to go to the butcher. I’m not sure how Dad figured it out, but he told the butcher to check Larry’s stomachs for the lock. Sure enough, when the butcher was all done and the meat was all packed up he handed Dad a shiny brass pad lock. Damn steer – ate it. Check out my story about the Best Hamburger ever. We got the final word in this story.
    

     
    

    This is yet another story from Teddy Burriss – maybe, just maybe you will laugh with me.
    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.
    

    

    




    

    

    


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    Communal Urn – Ver 1
    



    

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    Personal Disclaimer – The story below is a continuation of my original story, Burial vs. Cremation. This is version 1. I need to improve this posting some more. I will work on it more later this winter.
    

    Lots of people have friends and family whose company they enjoy immensely. These people are an important part of life. These groups of people enjoy similar experiences, events and trips. They thrive on each other’s company during these many life experiences. We wish that we could continue enjoying each other’s company forever.
    

    Equally, around the world a whole other group of individuals are also thriving on these same life experiences, passing by each other as nothing more than a coincidence, never to know the people they pass during these experiences. These people also wish that these experiences with their friends would never end.
    

    These life experiences include all kinds of unique, beautiful, exciting, historic, cultural, and awesome places. Here are a few samples:
    

    Vacation trips to Paris, South Africa, Key West, Vegas, North Pole, Tibet, Argentina, Wales, Venice, Disney World, Hollywood, New York City, Washington DC, Berlin, Japan, England, New Zealand, etc, etc. Insert the location of your most exciting and/or exotic vacation that you remember going on with your best friends or favorite family members where you said, “I wish we could be here forever”.
    

    And then there were the most enjoyable events. Participating in activities like the following:
    

    Sky Diving, Mountain Climbing, Motorcycle racing, scuba diving, Nascar Races, College Basketball or Football championship games, Pro Sports Championships like the Super bowl or World Series, Hot Air Balloon rides, Glider rides, riding in an F-16 or a submarine, Cruises on luxury ships, biking around Europe, Playing with your kids in a city park, attending Mass at the Vatican, Riding a tour bus around Philadelphia or New York City with your best friend. Again, insert some of the exciting things you did with your best friends and family where you again said, “I wish we could do this forever”.
    

    Life deals us all the same end result. Regardless of how much money we have, who we know or what religion we are, these life experiences end when we die. Over, Done, never to be experienced again.
    

    Maybe not. I have an idea – It does not have to end. There is a solution.
    

    Communal Urn LLC. CU is a North Carolina company providing continual Life Experiences after death.
    

    CU markets its services to anyone who just refuses to accept that they can’t go on European vacations with their friends, or to the Super Bowl every year, after they are dead.
    

    CU will help you make sure that after you die, that you continue the life experiences that you enjoyed during life. And, if your group of friends and family eventually want to be in the same urn, so that you can continue your life experiences together, after death, all you have to do is tell your CU counselor when you make your arrangements. 
    

    Imagine it, after life you will be able to continue enjoying each other’s company in the Communal Urn. And you can do this with the 100’s of other CU members who decided to do the same thing.
    

    CU will collect your cremated remains and place them in the Communal Urn. The Urn is designed to carry up to 500 individuals. As needed, more urns will be added to the group. In time the group will be 1000’s of individuals all going to the same fabulous places at the same time. Just like they did when they were alive. 
    

    The CU team transports this urn to all of the fabulous places and events you enjoyed during life. The urn will be flown around the world to exotic venues such as Venice and the Caribbean Islands. It may travel down the Nile on a raft or be carried to the top of Mt. McKinley and then back to Las Vegas for a Nascar race.
    

    The CU team will take pictures of the urn on each of these trips and at each of the events.
    

    Daily the CU Team will update the online status of the Communal Urn, where it is and where it is heading. The photos will be posted for viewing by your living friends and family.
    

    Yes, with Communal Urn LLC you can continue Life Experiences after life, sort of.
    

    Communal Urn LLC, we want your life experiences to never end. Call us.
    

    This is yet another story from Teddy Burriss – maybe, just maybe you will laugh with me.
    

    

    Thanks for taking time to read my blog feeds – Let me know what you want to hear about and I will do my best to provide even better content.