
Are you Listening to me
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I stole these jokes from a www.myce.com a website about technology and gadgets.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before..
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Every calendar’s days are numbered..
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!”
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.”
The following question has been raised with regards to Facebook
Is there an Away Message function in Facebook?
No, there is no Away Message function in FaceBook.
There is however an often overlooked Ignore Feature.
This feature is both hard to find and very difficult to use.
When used properly, this feature can be very rewarding. Many users, who have properly used it have found it increases office productivity, improves relationships, expands knowledge from books and even creates a sense of calmness and reduced drama.
5% of Facebook users have successfully used the Ignore Feature of Facebook by simply turning their focus to something else. These users have found great rewards because of this feature.
Another 5% of Facebook users have found that in order to use this feature, all they need to do is to turn their back on the computer display or smartphone. Some of these users have had to leave the room where the equipment is located, but they have successfully used the Ignore Feature and benefitted in numerous ways.
Another 15% of Facebook users have determined that they must leave the facility and the electronic equipment within in order for the Ignore Feature to work properly. Some of these users have had to leave the town in which the facility is located for the Ignore Feature to work, but they have successfully used the feature. Unfortunately they have found that the Ignore Feature only works for a few minutes and therefore gotten little to no value from the feature.
The last 75% of Facebook users have attempted the previous usage options and found that both options completely failed for them. Even if this feature were to work, these users do not believe it would offer any value to them at all.
Even if they were to test the Ignore Feature of Facebook these users would have to shut down the Internet by disabling the wired & wireless networks, cell phone towers and/or telephone dial-tone into the states where they reside in order to properly use the Ignore Feature of Facebook. Since we all know the Internet can’t be shut down, these users have decided that the Ignore Feature of Facebook will never work or provide any value to anyone.
Because the Ignore Featureof Facebook is being used by less than 25% of the Facebook users, Facebook has decided to disable the feature and remove all mention of it from the user guides effectively immediately.
A Mom’s entire day is filled with duties that many others are not able to deal with.
She is there to do the things others can’t understand or can’t make happen.
A Mom is there to help the young child get thru the day and achieve all that they can achieve.
Are you a Mom? If so, I am sure you know what I refer to – Happy Mother’s Day to all of you.
Teddy