Never underestimate an Old Guy

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch,¬†knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate us old guys.

What would you do?

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while en route to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted, “Don’t do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!”

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabbie smiled, and said, “I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”

What would you do?

Women should learn something new daily

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note, these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows 3.1 default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Pass this on to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can, we are obligated to teach them

Did you hear what was said?

My sister-in-law told me this: A lady ran off the road last month, hit our wood splitter, jammed it into our deck, tore the steps off and then she proceeded to remove our clothes line and grape arbor. She came to rest in our above ground pool. Thank God she was uninjured.

This is what I heard: A lady came over last month, split some wood with your wood splitter, hung out on your deck for a while, ran down the steps, ate your grapes and then stripped. She jumped in your pool stark naked and she looked great doing it.

I can see what I heard. I can’t see what she told me

Lots of women

Today (Oct 5, 2011) is the birthday of a friend of mine’s twin daughters.

For many years our two families were growing at about the same pace.

Here is a quick story of how evenly paced we grew our families.

My first daughter was born in early 1982.

His first daughter was born a few years later.

My wife had our next daughter around 1984.

His wife delivered another daughter within a year or so.

My wife and I had another daughter in around 1986.

My friend and his wife has another daughter soon thereafter.

Another daughter was born to my wife and I in 1988, bringing our daughter count to 4.

Within about 5 years twin daughters were born to my friend and his wife, bringing their daughter count to 5.

I cried uncle and threw in the towel. I actually went to see the man doctor at that time.

Happy birthday to Meggy & Mary the twins. Congrats to Francis & Mary for raising 5 beautiful women.