Top 10 Rules of Grandfather Club

Another friend of mine joined the GrandFathers Club this week. This club has a specific set of rules that must be followed. I have never failed to follow them myself. If you want to be an honored member of the club, you too must follow these rules. The rules of this club are fairly straightforward and quite easy to follow:

  1. You must change the background picture of your cellPhone to a picture of the kids.
  2. You must tease them about their mother and all the ridiculous baby stuff she did.
  3. You must develop them to be just like you so that their mother will have to say, “Stop being like your grandfather”.
  4. You must teach them all the dumb jokes that your ancestors have said over the past 100 years. (mine is “Rooster, Hen, Pullet”)
  5. You must be able to fall asleep in any chair in the house with one or both of the boys on your lap or chest (recliners work best).
  6. You must be ready to watch SpongeBob Square Pants, Dora the Explorer, and any of the new cartoons that kids love to watch today.
  7. You must want to eat and share candy, popcorn, ice cream, cookies, and cookie dough with the boys, even at 7 am in the morning, despite what their mother says.
  8. You must be willing to stop at a Mcdonald’s, Wendy’s, or Burger King and get 3 Kids’ Meals at a moment’s notice. Yes – you get a Kid’s Toy too.
  9. You must be accepting of going to work, church, a board meeting, or a Rotary with a little baby exhaust on your suit coat.
  10. You must be able to smile like a crazy man any time someone asks you “What’s going on?” Because now you get to say, “I’m a Grandfather!”

Women should learn something new daily

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note, these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows 3.1 default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Pass this on to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can, we are obligated to teach them