Lawyers and cops

Let me set the stage: a Police officer on the witness stand and a hotshot lawyer is grilling him.

However, once you hear this story you will want to be as sharp as this police officer if you find yourself on the witness stand.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”

A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

A: “Yes sir, we do!”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”

A: “Yes, sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”

A: “Yes, sir.”

Q: “Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.

Thanks to Bob Henderson for sharing this with me thru Facebook.

Teddy Gets a Sext Message

One afternoon driving up I-81 from North Carolina to Maryland with my wife and kids, my cell phone pinged from a new text message.

I pulled the phone up to see who texted me and got quite a surprise when I saw the message, “Interested in Sex tonight?”

I had just gotten Sexted.

Note the earlier statement, my wife is in the car with me and for further clarity, back then she did not use text messaging, let alone “Sexting”

The cell phone number was not in my phone contacts, so I did not know who it was from. I quietly & joking thought, “This sucks for lots of reason.”

Becky asked me who texted me. “I don’t know,” which was an honest response. “What did they want?” was her next question.

My response of “Nothing important” was followed with another query for more information, mostly to break up the quietness of the ride. “Nothing,” I said again, “Come on, what did they want?” was her next question.

Now, being married for quite some time, I really have nothing to hide from Becky. I showed her the message on the screen.

She looked at me and started cajoling me even more with more questions of doubt to my initial response that I did not know who it was from.

I decided that the best way to put the line of questioning to bed was to call the cell phone back.

I called the number and because of the traffic and cajoling noise from within the car, I could not hear the name of the person when their voice mail answered. So I responded as most people would expect me to respond.

I left the following message, “Hey, I got your text message and appreciate the offer. I am traveling to Maryland with my wife and kids so I will have to take a rain check. Go ahead without me. I hope that you have fun by yourself.”

Fast forward about 1 month. I had a position to fill at one of my clients and I was interviewing a candidate for the position. This is a guy that I have known for years.

After the interview, I told him he had the job. You would have thought that I just given him a Million $$$. He thanked me for giving him the chance to prove he could do the job, especially after the text message he sent me.

I laughed to myself and told the guy that he was really lucky that I was still going to hire him, despite the two mistakes that he had made.

Mistake # 1 – He sexted me and nearly got me in trouble with my wife.
Mistake # 2 – He told me that he sexted me instead of leaving wondering what hot nubile chick had sexted me on purpose.

 

Interesting Information that needs to be shared

Stuff that we ponder now and then, yet never come up with any answers:

  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  • Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
  • Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  • Why didn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  • Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  • Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  • Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  • How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  • When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
  • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  • In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  • How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE…

  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends if they’re okay, then it’s you!