New Internet Jokes

I stole these jokes from a a website about technology and gadgets.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before..
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Every calendar’s days are numbered..
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Automatic Email Responses

A friend of mine sent me this list. Not sure who the real author(s) are. Use them as you wish.

• I am currently out on a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

• You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
• Sorry to have missed you, but i am at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

• I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

• Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

• The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart y our computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-du-viduals did this over and over again.)

• Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

• I’ve run away to join a different circus.

• I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Loretta instead of Bob.

• Thank you for your message. You are currently in 352nd Place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.