Did you really expect me to have the lights on?
Happy April Fools Day!
I found this on a Facebook post from a friend.
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
She asked him, “did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”
Do you have a Halloween Costume Story?
If any of these stories below are about you, please call me and admit to it.
A friend sent this to me via email. I could not confirm it’s on Darwin Awards page yet.
Yes, it is that time again for the Darwin Awards.
Read below and just shake your head in wonder.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from”
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
**Remember – They walk among us
A cowboy named Bob was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses, and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bob looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful herd gazing nearby and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bob says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bob.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.
The little boy says ”It’s dark in here”
The man replies ”Yes, it is”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
Boy – “$750”
Man – “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab
your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!”
Here is a letter that I was sent that is rather interesting, if not ridiculous.
It came from an Elementary School administrator and was sent to all of the teachers of that school. The name of the school has been changed to protect the school system. Where I altered the words or added to the message, to better emphasis the bylaw, I put my initials.
I feel it’s ridiculous for a few reasons:
What do you think about this committee’s bylaws?
REVISED September 2012
Each teacher is requested to join the Committee with a $25 entry fee. (TLB)
The administrator repeatedly announced over the PA system, durin the school day, that the Committee dues were due.
Hospitality Committee By-Laws 2012-2013 School Year
1. In case of hospitalization due to serious illness that requires 3-4 or more consecutive days of absence, of any staff member, a plant or gift of $25 shall be given.
2. In case of death of a staff member, a memorial or $100 shall be given.
3. In case of death of an immediate member of the family of a staff member (mother,father, sister, brother, child, spouse, mother-in-law, or father-in-law), a memorial of $25 shall be given (including auxiliary personnel – social worker, nurse, psychologist,
cafeteria staff, custodial staff, BUDS services).
4. In case of the death of a closer relative a card shall be sent.
5. In case of death of an educator in the school system, such a Superintendent, Principal of another school, or Supervisor, a card shall be sent.
6. Any faculty member who completes a degree or who becomes Nationally Board Certified shall receive a $25 gift certificate.
7. The “Teacher of the Year” (TOY) and Classified Employee of the Year shall each receive a $50 gift certificate in the year she/he serves as Teacher of the Year or Classified Employee of the Year.
If I were Teacher of the Year, I would not want to be tagged TOY (TLB)
8. Upon marriage of a faculty member, a gift certificate of $25 will be given (auxiliary personnel). (Staff members who have paid dues are not required to give a gift if a bridal shower is given).
9. For the birth of a baby, or legal adoption of a child, the faculty member shall receive a gift certificate of $25. (Staff members who have paid dues are not required to give a gift if a baby shower is given).
So, if all of the teachers join this committee, and they have a baby shower – can we all show up without a gift? (TLB)
10. For retiring faculty members, a $50 gift certificate shall be given at a school gathering.
11. Staff Christmas party and End of the Year picnic shall be partially funded as determined by the Hospitality Committee.
This is so only partially hospitable (TLB)
12. All staff are encouraged to participate in the Hospitality Committee. If you choose not to participate, you may not be included in the above monetary gifts.
Does this mean that I may be included because I’m special and the others are not? (TLB)
THE BY-LAWS WILL STAND AS WRITTEN FOR THE 2012-2013 SCHOOL YEAR. ANY OTHER CHANGES WILL BE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF FUTURE HOSPITALITY COMMITTEE.
I believe that Harry is Little Johnny’s distant cousin.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
Because of all of the Public Speaking engagements, fans, stalkers, groupies and paparazzi, it has become important to publish the Official Manual of Protocol for publicly meeting @NCWiseman
This is an official list. We will update it as needed to insure that everyone understands the appropriate Protocol for engaging in a public setting with @NCWiseman.
Any questions or comments can be directed to The office of Official Protocol for Meeting @NCWiseman.
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here’s a way to change all of that:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your “Bullshit Bingo” card by drawing a square — I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns — five across and five down. That will give you 25, 1″ blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
synergy strategic fit
core competencies best practice
bottom line revisit
take that off-line 24/7
out of the loop benchmark
win-win think outside the box
fast track result-driven
mindset empower (or empowerment)
knowledge base at the end of the day
touch base client focus(ed)
ballpark game plan
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”
Testimonials from satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:
* “I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” –Jack W., Boston
* “My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” –David D., Florida
* “What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.” –Bill R., New York City
* “The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.” –Ben G., Denver
* “The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed “BULLSHIT!” for the third time in two hours.” –Kathleen L., Atlanta
I stole this from a friend named Lynn. No idea who she stole it from.
One afternoon driving up I-81 from North Carolina to Maryland with my wife and kids, my cell phone pinged from a new text message.
I pulled the phone up to see who texted me and got quite a surprise when I saw the message, “Interested in Sex tonight?”
I had just gotten Sexted.
Note the earlier statement, my wife is in the car with me and for further clarity, back then she did not use text messaging, let alone “Sexting”
The cell phone number was not in my phone contacts, so I did not know who it was from. I quietly & joking thought, “This sucks for lots of reason.”
Becky asked me who texted me. “I don’t know,” which was an honest response. “What did they want?” was her next question.
My response of “Nothing important” was followed with another query for more information, mostly to break up the quietness of the ride. “Nothing,” I said again, “Come on, what did they want?” was her next question.
Now, being married for quite some time, I really have nothing to hide from Becky. I showed her the message on the screen.
She looked at me and started cajoling me even more with more questions of doubt to my initial response that I did not know who it was from.
I decided that the best way to put the line of questioning to bed was to call the cell phone back.
I called the number and because of the traffic and cajoling noise from within the car, I could not hear the name of the person when their voice mail answered. So I responded as most people would expect me to respond.
I left the following message, “Hey, I got your text message and appreciate the offer. I am traveling to Maryland with my wife and kids so I will have to take a rain check. Go ahead without me. I hope that you have fun by yourself.”
Fast forward about 1 month. I had a position to fill at one of my clients and I was interviewing a candidate for the position. This is a guy that I have known for years.
After the interview, I told him he had the job. You would have thought that I just given him a Million $$$. He thanked me for giving him the chance to prove he could do the job, especially after the text message he sent me.
I laughed to myself and told the guy that he was really lucky that I was still going to hire him, despite the two mistakes that he had made.
Mistake # 1 – He sexted me and nearly got me in trouble with my wife.
Mistake # 2 – He told me that he sexted me instead of leaving wondering what hot nubile chick had sexted me on purpose.