Beer, chum, fishing and cooters

A friend of mine, lets call him “Marc”  told me this true story today.

He repeated a story that another guy told him.

It’s useful to know the story originated with a guy who has 3 teeth, wears only wife beater shirts over his hairy body and prefers not to comb his hair or clean his fingernails. To protect the identity of this guy, let’s call him “Cletus”

Here is Cletus’ story

I went fishing this weekend. We got us some beer and drove down to the dock where the boat was docked. I snucked my cooler onboard. Good thing too. They wanted to charge us $6 for a beer. I guessed right, I got the same beer they selled.

It took a long time to get out to the fishing area, but I figured as much, I brought me lots of beer.

On the way out to sea I got sick and chummed all over the side of the boat. No one saw me. It didn’t matter much. I drank me some more beer.

We fished for ever, but I didn’t catch no good fish. I didn’t care much since I still had some beer left.

On the way back do shore I drunk up all of my beer.

When we got back to shore, the first thing I did was go to the package store and got me some more beer. There ain’t nutten better than a good cold beer.

It was dark, I was tired and I could not remember which way to go so I could get home. So I drank a beer and feel asleep in the back of my pickup truck.  I woke up to the noise of them sea gulls. I drank another beer. They were still cold.

I know better than to drink while I drive. I stopped three times to drink a beer. I don’t know how they stayed so cold, but they were good.

When I got back to the farm some of my kin wanted to go fishin in the big pond. I told um that I just came back from a fishin trip on the sea and still wanted to do more fishin. You can’t never do enough fishin.  I drank a few more beers while I walked down to the pond.

I caught a few little fish, but nuttin much. I drank another beer and hooked sumpin really really big. I got scurred when I saw it was the biggest cooter I ever saw.

(Editor note – a cooter is a snapping turtle and they get big)

I got it up to the shore. I rested while I drank another beer.

A buddy told me that cooter makes good chowder. I drunk another beer while I tried to figure out how to get in that shell.

I got me a hack saw but it broke. I had me another beer while I went to get a little jig saw, but the blade was too short. I drank a beer while I went to get the cutoff saw.  You drink enough beer and put your head to it and you can get into any turtle shell.

Once I got the shell opened the turtle did not look too good.

I drank another beer and then went off to McDonalds.

It was a great weekend.  What did you do?

Thanks for sharing Cletus’ story Marc.

Do you have a PawPaw?

Dec 7, 1999 is the day that PawPaw died.

He was a farmer who taught me the stuff a kid needs to know about chickens, cattle, hay and driving a tractor.

When I was a little whipper snapper he smashed my finger in a car door.  When I was older he reminded me that he did this almost every time he saw me.

Pawpaw took me fishing one year.  I had a brand new fishing rod and a shiny spinner tied to the end of the line.  He wanted to show me how to cast out the line.  He stretched the rod back behind his head and flung it forward.  The line pulled all the way out, snapped free from the reel and “splash”, the shiny spinner sunk to the bottom of the pond.  That’s the last time I ever went fishing with PawPaw.

My Grandmother died years before PawPaw died.  PawPaw was unable to take care of the stuff that she did. He learned hard and fast about laundry, grocery shopping, buying pants and underwear.  I will never forget the day he was making a pitcher of orange juice (back in the days of frozen concentrate).  He put nearly half a pound of sugar in it. I asked him what he was doing and he said, “I like my orange juice really really sweet.”  Good thing.

PawPaw figured out quickly that he needed a woman to help him so he remarried a really nice lady.  She cared for him nearly as well as Grandma did.  PawPaw was happy again.

Over the following years my conversations with Pawpaw changed a lot.  We talked about lots of different stuff.  Politics, religion, economics, family, cars, trains and planes.  A very diverse set of topics. I enjoyed my chats with him.  One day I made the mistake of saying I “loved” my motorcycle. He cajoled me into saying if the weather was bad I’d take it into the house.  Some how or another he got me to say my wife could sleep on the front porch.  Real funny now, but not back then.

PawPaw got really sick near the end of November 1999.  I  drove up to Maryland to see him for what I knew would be the last time.  We talked for a while.  We again talked about religion.  This time his choice of topic had a different meaning and I’m honored to have had that conversation with him. Somewhere in the conversation I told him about my oldest daughter getting married.  See the story – Is She Marrying for Sex?  I’m glad we had our last little chat.

Everyone needs at least one PawPaw in their life to teach them lots of stuff.  I’m glad I had mine.