Words to noodle on

Thanks to my buddy Rick for sharing this with me. Now, I’ll share it with you.

The nicest thing about the future is . . .
that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog . . .
but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

If you don’t have a sense of humor . . .
you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining . . .
as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . .
when you’re in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark . .
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important . . .
because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions . . .
you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a cat (or dog) . . .
and you will have a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy (or girl) . . .
who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins . . .
the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. . .
like, it could be the right number.

No one ever says “It’s only a game” . . .
when their team is winning.

I’ve reached the age where . . .
‘happy hour’ is a nap.

Be careful about reading the fine print . . .
there’s no way you’re going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that . . .
not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . .
we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

Money can’t buy happiness . . .
but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint . . .
you’re probably dead.

Life isn’t tied with a bow . . .
but it’s still a gift.

I hope you enjoyed these statements.

Did you know all this?

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery…….if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor.”

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot……they “didn’t have a pot to piss in” & were the lowest of the low

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell.

Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting Married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof… Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.”

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.”

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins was found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

Whoever said History was boring

Halloween Costume Story

Halloween Costume Story

I found this on a Facebook post from a friend.

Funny Halloween Costume Story

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

She asked him, “did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”

Halloween Costume Story – could this happen to you?

Author unknown

Do you have a Halloween Costume Story?

Darwin Awards

If any of these stories below are about you, please call me and admit to it.

A friend sent this to me via email. I could not confirm it’s on Darwin Awards page yet.

Yes, it is that time again for the Darwin Awards.
Read below and just shake your head in wonder.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

**Remember – They walk among us

A Bad Sex Story or Good Capitalism

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ”It’s dark in here”
The man replies ”Yes, it is”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
“How much?”
Boy – “$750”
Man – “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab
your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again!”

Why is your burden too much to bear?

Awesome!!  We complain about the cross we bear but don’t  realize

it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can’t.

Whatever your cross, whatever your  pain,
there will always be sunshine, after the rain.

Perhaps you may stumble,  perhaps even fall;
But God’s always ready, to answer your call.

He knows every  heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips, can calm every fear.

Your sorrows  may linger, throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish dawn’s early light.

The Savior is waiting, somewhere  above,
to give you His grace, and send you  His love.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

And you question   God -why me?
Always look at the bigger picture.
A day without the Lord – Is a day wasted.
God is going to shift things around for you today
and let things work in your favor.

I got this message from an email to me. I can not find the original source, so here is Thanks to whoever created it.

Top 10 Posts of 2012

I love to write. And, I love to go back and see what I wrote and look for ways to improve my writing and sharing of good stories.

Here are the top 10 (+1) Posts of 2012 on my personal blog. I loved writing these stories and hope you enjoyed reading them and sharing them with others.

Let me know which one is your favorite.

My First E-commerce purchase

Money Trucks are not locked

Happy 3rd Anniversary

I love to get Naked in Public

Are there Maggots in your car?

Our Lives need Warmth

A Great Grandfather’s Gift

Every action has an equal or greater reaction

Deadly Lingerie

Married Bliss – a Sweet Story

Here Sex, here boy

 

I took Banging her Boyfriend and Bullshit Bingo out of the list. They got lots of reads, but likely because of the titles and not the content, even though I think the stories were funny as heck.

Lawyers and cops

Let me set the stage: a Police officer on the witness stand and a hotshot lawyer is grilling him.

However, once you hear this story you will want to be as sharp as this police officer if you find yourself on the witness stand.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”

A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

A: “Yes sir, we do!”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”

A: “Yes, sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”

A: “Yes, sir.”

Q: “Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s ‘Best Comeback’ line — and we think he’ll win.

Thanks to Bob Henderson for sharing this with me thru Facebook.

Little Harry

I believe that Harry is Little Johnny’s distant cousin.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

– unknown

Bullshit Bingo

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?  What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here’s a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare your “Bullshit Bingo” card by drawing a square — I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns — five across and five down. That will give you 25, 1″ blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy                                      strategic fit
core competencies                  best practice
bottom line                                revisit
take that off-line                     24/7
out of the loop                           benchmark
value-added                               proactive
win-win                                      think outside the box
fast track                                     result-driven
mindset                                       empower (or empowerment)
knowledge base                        at the end of the day
touch base                                  client focus(ed)
ballpark                                      game plan
leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”

Testimonials from satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:

* “I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” –Jack W., Boston

* “My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” –David D., Florida

* “What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.” –Bill R., New York City

* “The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.” –Ben G., Denver

* “The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed “BULLSHIT!” for the third time in two hours.” –Kathleen L., Atlanta

I stole this from a friend named Lynn. No idea who she stole it from.