Category Archives: Men

Top 10 Rules of Grandfather Club

A good friend of mine joined the GrandFathers Club this week.

This club has a specific set of rules that must be followed

I have never failed following them myself.

I sent my friend these rules so that he will be fully prepared as a new member of the club.

I’m sure he will be fine and actually like following these rules.

The rules of this club are fairly straightforward and quite easy to follow:
  1. You must change the background picture of your cellPhone to a picture of the boys
  2. You must tease them about their mother and all the funny baby stuff she did
  3. You must train them to be just like you so that their mother will have to say, “Stop being like your grandfather”
  4. You must teach them all the dumb jokes that your ancestors have said over the past 100 years. (mine is “Rooster, Hen, Pullet”)
  5. You must be able to fall asleep in any chair in the house with one or both of the boys on your lap or chest (recliners work best)
  6. You must be ready to watch SpongeBob Square Pants, Dora the Explorer and any of the new cartoons that kids love to watch today
  7. You must want to eat and share candy, popcorn, ice cream, cookies and cookie dough with the boys, even at 7am in the morning, despite what their mother says (this may have to wait a few months)
  8. You must be willing to stop at a McDonalds, Wendys or Burger King and get 3 Kids Meals at a moments notice. Yes – you get a Kids Toy too (again, a few months from now.)
  9. You must be acceptable of going to work, church, board meeting or Rotary with a little baby exhaust on your suit coat
  10. You must be able to smile like a crazy man any time someone asks you “What’s going on?” Because now you get to say, “I’m a Grandfather!”
These rules are very easy to follow.

Men’s age as determined by a trip to Home Depot

A good friend of mine from Pilot Mountain sent this to me and I fee obliged to share it with you.

You are in the middle of a project around the house, mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit – shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20’s:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in themirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkoutlane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30’s:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your handsand comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40’s:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and ahat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don’t want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50’s:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms’

In your 60’s:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your50’s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don’t have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70’s:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don’t even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80’s:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90’s & beyond:

What’s a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?