Category Archives: Personal Humor

I need to find the RIGHT Real Estate Agent ABR®AHWD A-REOTM CCIM® CDPE© CDRS CIAS™ CIPS CNHS CRB® CRS® e-PRO® GRI PMN QSC® RCC RSPS SRES® TRC ICREA

RealEstate Agent AcronymsI need to hire a Real Estate Agent.

I am not sure what I want to buy or which house I am going to sell.

Real Estate Agents have more certification acronyms than doctors do. I don’t know what Acronym offers the best certification; therefore, I want to find a real estate agent with all of these certifications.

I will not do business with a real estate agent that does not have all of these acronyms on their business card, Facebook Profile, LinkedIn Profile, Twitter Profile, Blog Profile or Google+ Profile. I figure, I’ll get the right agent if they have all the certs.

If you know this person, have them contact me.

 

They must have off the certifications listed below:

ABR®, AHWD,  A-REOTM,  CCIM®,  CDPE©,  CDRS, CIAS™, CIPS, CNHS, CRB®, CRS®, e-PRO®, GRI, PMN, QSC® , RCC, RSPS, SRES®, TRC, ICREA

Even though I am joking about this, I truly wonder who benefits the most from so many different certifications.

I believe in certifications, to some degree, but I am so confused about all of these certifications and wonder if anyone else is as confused.

Furthermore, I am not a big fan of all of these certification acronyms being smattered all over business cards, & Social Media profiles. It looks so horrible.

Teddy SME, BF, NFME, PSP, CCTC, Freak®

 

For those who are now wondering
SME – Social Media Extraordinaire
BF –Blogging Fanatic
NFME – Networking for Mutual Benefit Extravert
PSP – Public Speaking Professional
CCTC –Certified Career Transition Coach
Freak – yeah, just Freak.

Top 10 Rules of Grandfather Club

A good friend of mine joined the GrandFathers Club this week.

This club has a specific set of rules that must be followed

I have never failed following them myself.

I sent my friend these rules so that he will be fully prepared as a new member of the club.

I’m sure he will be fine and actually like following these rules.

The rules of this club are fairly straightforward and quite easy to follow:
  1. You must change the background picture of your cellPhone to a picture of the boys
  2. You must tease them about their mother and all the funny baby stuff she did
  3. You must train them to be just like you so that their mother will have to say, “Stop being like your grandfather”
  4. You must teach them all the dumb jokes that your ancestors have said over the past 100 years. (mine is “Rooster, Hen, Pullet”)
  5. You must be able to fall asleep in any chair in the house with one or both of the boys on your lap or chest (recliners work best)
  6. You must be ready to watch SpongeBob Square Pants, Dora the Explorer and any of the new cartoons that kids love to watch today
  7. You must want to eat and share candy, popcorn, ice cream, cookies and cookie dough with the boys, even at 7am in the morning, despite what their mother says (this may have to wait a few months)
  8. You must be willing to stop at a McDonalds, Wendys or Burger King and get 3 Kids Meals at a moments notice. Yes – you get a Kids Toy too (again, a few months from now.)
  9. You must be acceptable of going to work, church, board meeting or Rotary with a little baby exhaust on your suit coat
  10. You must be able to smile like a crazy man any time someone asks you “What’s going on?” Because now you get to say, “I’m a Grandfather!”
These rules are very easy to follow.

Public Meeting Protocol

Official Protocol Manual for Meeting @NCWiseman

Because of all of the Public Speaking engagements, fans, stalkers, groupies and paparazzi, it has become important to publish the Official Manual of Protocol for publicly meeting @NCWiseman

  1. Do not rush @NCWiseman when he enters a venue
  2. Do not touch @NCWiseman unless he touches you first
  3. Do not yell, scream or hollar at @NCWiseman when he enters the venue
  4. Do not offer @NCWiseman any items (including but not exclusively t-shirts, hats, CDs, flowers, food, etc)
  5. Do not ask for photography time
  6. Do not ask @NCWiseman for autographs
  7. Do not share any stories with @NCWiseman unless he asks you to tell him something specifically, then keep the story to less than 20 seconds.
  8. Do not push, shove, elbow or otherwise act like a fool to get to the front of the reception line for @NCWiseman
  9. Do not ask @NCWiseman any non-relevant questions (ie. how is your dog or what coffee did you have this morning)
  10. Do not under any situation, ever point at @NCWiseman.

This is an official list.  We will update it as needed to insure that everyone understands the appropriate Protocol for engaging in a public setting with @NCWiseman.

 

Any questions or comments can be directed to The office of Official Protocol for Meeting @NCWiseman.

Teddy Gets a Sext Message

One afternoon driving up I-81 from North Carolina to Maryland with my wife and kids, my cell phone pinged from a new text message.

I pulled the phone up to see who texted me and got quite a surprise when I saw the message, “Interested in Sex tonight?”

I had just gotten Sexted.

Note the earlier statement, my wife is in the car with me and for further clarity, back then she did not use text messaging, let alone “Sexting”

The cell phone number was not in my phone contacts, so I did not know who it was from. I quietly & joking thought, “This sucks for lots of reason.”

Becky asked me who texted me. “I don’t know,” which was an honest response. “What did they want?” was her next question.

My response of “Nothing important” was followed with another query for more information, mostly to break up the quietness of the ride. “Nothing,” I said again, “Come on, what did they want?” was her next question.

Now, being married for quite some time, I really have nothing to hide from Becky. I showed her the message on the screen.

She looked at me and started cajoling me even more with more questions of doubt to my initial response that I did not know who it was from.

I decided that the best way to put the line of questioning to bed was to call the cell phone back.

I called the number and because of the traffic and cajoling noise from within the car, I could not hear the name of the person when their voice mail answered. So I responded as most people would expect me to respond.

I left the following message, “Hey, I got your text message and appreciate the offer. I am traveling to Maryland with my wife and kids so I will have to take a rain check. Go ahead without me. I hope that you have fun by yourself.”

Fast forward about 1 month. I had a position to fill at one of my clients and I was interviewing a candidate for the position. This is a guy that I have known for years.

After the interview, I told him he had the job. You would have thought that I just given him a Million $$$. He thanked me for giving him the chance to prove he could do the job, especially after the text message he sent me.

I laughed to myself and told the guy that he was really lucky that I was still going to hire him, despite the two mistakes that he had made.

Mistake # 1 – He sexted me and nearly got me in trouble with my wife.
Mistake # 2 – He told me that he sexted me instead of leaving wondering what hot nubile chick had sexted me on purpose.

 

High Five!

How often do you high-five someone for the great thing they did?

How often does someone else high-five you for the great thing you did?

It’s a great way to acknowledge success, excitement and even a really good joke.

More often than not, it’s mandatory to accept a high-five request from a friend.

Here is a story that is somewhat unusual

Yesterday I was riding in the car with my wife. We were joking, laughing and having a good time.

I cracked a joke about something my wife said and the laughter from both of us increased.

My wife used her wit to spin the words I said and turned the joke around on me.

What she said was far funnier than what I said, despite the fact that the joke was not on me.

My wife raised her hand and barked out, “High Five!”

Foolish me, in a knee-jerk response, I accepted her high-five of her witty joke against me.

This made the joke that much more funnier.

Never again, never again will I high-five my wife when she cracks a joke about me.

 

I love to get Naked in Public

I love to get Naked.

The all natural feeling of getting Naked is something that I enjoy immensely.

The uplifting feeling is good for my body and soul when I get Naked

I especially like the cool feeling of getting Naked

Sometimes I get Naked in private.

Often I get Naked in public and enjoy doing so.

If you have never gotten Naked in public, please don’t judge me until you try it yourself.

Of course if you have gotten Naked in public, I am sure you agree with me that getting Naked is a good thing.

Once I got Naked in public and a lady friend of mine asked if she could get Naked with me.

I love it when friends and even complete strangers get Naked in public with me.

I recently took a picture of getting Naked in a conference room.  If you want to see it, click here

See Teddy getting Naked in a Conference Room – Warning – I do not promise that this is a G-Rated image.

 

Call Dad

Dad, can you fix my headlight?

Hey Dad, can you tell me how to change to grease in my muffler bearings?

Dad, I love you – will you loan me $20.  Mom said it’s OK

Dad, my boyfriend wants to get another tattoo. Can you drive him to see Floyd at the Tattoo shop?

Dad, your the best ever, what’s for dinner?

Dad, I’m out of tampons again, can you pick some up when you go get your beer and chips?

Dad, there is a really big bug in my bedroom, will you drive over hear and kill it for me, PLEASE?

I know your really busy working, but I need a ride to the mall, Please, I love you

Dad, I wrecked my car, what do I do next?

Dad, Mom said you would move my stuff out of the condo again. Can we do it during half time?

I want to watch Riding in cars with boys tonight, do you have to watch that football game?

I’m super Dad. I have four daughters and I get these calls and many others like it often.

Yet, I would have it no other way.

I’m Super Dad!

 

Sprained Ankle – Big Deal

Back in the summer of 2006 the family set off to have a fun weekend in Myrtle Beach. For the most part, we did.

All four daughters, two son-in-laws and the first grand Daughter, three year old Amanda, headed to the beach late in the afternoon that Friday.

The trip to the beach has gotten much better over the years. The road has been improved and a few extra bypasses around some of the smaller cities makes the trip shorter.

We got to the beach late on Friday evening and everyone just hit their respective hotel rooms and crashed.

Saturday was spent checking out the beach and lots of the tourist stuff in Myrtle. We all had a great time. Before going to bed we planned for our Sunday.  We all agreed that we would gather for breakfast in the morning and then head off to the Nascar SpeedPark.  We wanted to spend a few hours there before heading back home.

Early Sunday morning Becky and I left our hotel room and headed up to our oldest daughter’s suite where everyone else had already gathered. The noise in the suite was loud because everyone was excited about the adventures we were about to begin.

The suite had two doors into the bedroom from the living room area or the kitchen area.  Amanda and I were making quite a ruckus as we ran around the suite playing tag or hide-n-seek as her parents packed up to leave.

Then it happened.

I thought I still had enough agility to leap over the end of the bed and past an opened suite case, but I didn’t. I tripped on the edge of the bed and fell on the side of my foot.  I looked down just as my foot bent outward at what looked like 90o. For those who can’t picture this, let me show you what it looks like:
I could not find an exact image of what my foot looked like at that moment, but this image is pretty close. I believe it was turned far worse than this though.

Now we all know that every action creates an equally significant and loud reaction. When I saw how my foot bent, and felt the relevant pain it created, I SCREAMED!

I let out the loudest and longest series of cursing and screaming that I have ever heard before in my life. It sounded something like this:

My grand daughter ran back to me to see what had happened. She found me flopping around on the floor holding my ankle, tears streaming down my face and the barrage of curse words popping out of my mouth. As any grand child would do she asked, “Boppy are you OK?”  As soon as I saw her there I reduced the number of curse words, but I was still rocking on the floor and crying out in pain.

The noise brought everyone else into the bed room to find out why I was making such a ruckus. My wife was the first to ask, “What did you do now?” She cajoled me to get up off the floor and stop fooling around before someone get’s hurt.

It only took a few minutes before the swelling started. The pain was still quite severe. I knew something was not right with my foot.

This is what it looked like. (This is an actual picture of my ankle on that day.) My son-in-laws started calling it a Rutabaga Foot. The swelling was so quick in part because we had no ice anywhere. One of my son-in-laws went looking for the ice machines and they were all empty.

The only thing we had were 3 Ice cold beers in his fridge. We wrapped them around my ankle with a t-shirt.

Our plans had been to head off to Nascar SpeedPark, but my wife decided it was time to take me to an urgent care to make sure my ankle was not in fact broken. No one wanted to go go-carting with out me, so off we headed to urgent care, all 10 of us in 3 cars. Me and my entourage.

When we arrived at urgent care it took less than 30 minutes for me to get called. The nurse x-rayed my ankle and gave me he good news – it was only sprained. She gave me a soft boot and a set of crutches.

“Keep this boot on and don’t put any pressure on your foot for 2 weeks,” she told me. I agreed that I would try my best to do what she told me.

We all got back in our cars and headed off for Nascar Speedpark.  We spent the next 3 or 4 hours playing in the park and riding all of the various go-cart tracks.  I did great because my left foot was sprained, which is the foot used for the brake.  No breaks the way I drive go-carts, especially the fast ones.

The morals of this story:

  • Careful with the language when little ones are around, even if you are in pain.
  • It’s best to know you can jump the bed, before you try to jump that bed.
  • Never let a sprained ankle get in the way of a great trip with the family.

Work thru the pain and enjoy your time with the family.