Did you really expect me to have the lights on?
Happy April Fools Day!
I originally wrote “How Many Mikes do you know.”
Here is what I discovered about the women in my LinkedIn Network.
Out of now 3890 people, here is a list of the women’s names that showed up 10 or more times each.
Each of these individuals are unique in their own right, even though, not in name.
I hope you enjoyed this little un-scientific research.
I found this on a Facebook post from a friend.
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband and see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
She asked him, “did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”
Do you have a Halloween Costume Story?
As we, as a society, decide that we no longer need newspapers and magazines, there are many areas of our lives that will need to change as well.
Consider what you use newspapers for beyond getting the news. We all use newspapers for lots of daily tasks that we take for granted.
Hopefully, we can find answers to the problems that the lack of newspapers will create for us.
We will need to work together in order to find answers to the problems that this change will create.
Here are 15 areas of our lives that we will need to adjust as we deal with the slow death of newspapers:
This is just a short listing of the areas of our lives that will change. Surely, many people have other areas of their lives that will be affected adversely.
Yes, the days of using newspapers for much more than reading news are quickly disappearing. Change occurs every day, let’s keep working thru this change together.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners decided to quiz her male students to see how they would handle this question.
She was a little concerned as to the responses she could get from some of the men in the class but decided to pursue the question anyway.
Here is what happened.
“Gentleman, how would you announce to your dinner date that you have to go to the restroom?”
“What about you Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'”
The teacher fainted.
This is hotel story 2 of 6. This one is PG-13.
Earlier I wrote the story “Is this a brothel.” This one although not as bizarre, it’s funny to me.
I parked my rental car at the Microtel in Allentown PA, grabbed my suitcase and computer bag and slammed the door shut. I clicked the lock button on the key fob as I walked towards the entrance of the hotel.
Sitting on the curb was a lady, dressed in a short dress, boots and looking just a little bit different than a typical hotel guest. I wondered if she was a hotel employee waiting for her ride home, but her attire was not what I expected for a hotel laborer. She did not look like she had done any work, yet. Her hair was all “done up” and she did not look like most people look after a hard day at work.
I did what I usually do when I walk past someone and said, “Hello.”
She responded appropriately, “Hi. A great night isn’t it?” I continued walking as I replied, “Yes it is. Have a great evening.” This ended our initial engagement.
I checked into the hotel just as my memory kicked in. A few years ago I stayed in this hotel and experienced the prostitute activity, read “Is this a brothel?” I wondered, was this going to be a similar night?
I forgot about it all as I headed to my room. My mind was on one thing only – I was hungry. I dropped my bags in the room and headed back out the door.
I walked out of the hotel entrance, thinking about what to eat. My plan was to drive down the street to the Outback. Heading towards my car, there she was again, my prostitute. This time she was standing next to the curb as if waiting for me.
“Hello again. Where are you going?” she asked.
“I am going to get dinner. I’m starved.”
Her next statement caught me just a little bit off guard, “Do you want some company? I don’t want you to pay for my dinner, but I would love to keep you company as you eat. Maybe we can do a movie later too.”
I admit it took me just a second or two to develop my reply, “That is very nice of you. However, I want to be alone at dinner. It’s been a rough day and after dinner, I am going to bed alone.”
She threw me another curveball, “Are you sure, I can help you unwind if you want. I’m really good at helping men unwind.”
Again, it took a second or two for me to find the correct answer, “I appreciate the offer, but I absolutely do not need the company. Have a great evening.” I opened my car door, slid into the car and waved goodbye as I hit the lock button.
She barely waved back at me as she looked away towards another hotel guest who had just driven up.
I wondered if I would see or hear her again later that night. I did not.
This is story 1 of 6. This story is PG-17.
I traveled to Allentown Pennsylvania often. The Microtel (4325 Hamilton Blvd, Allentown, PA, US, 18103) was close to the office I worked in, so I often stayed there. The rates were reasonable, rooms a little small, but they served the purpose – crash for the night and get a decent nights sleep before going back to work.
I remember two experiences staying here, that I want to share with you. Here is story number 1
I checked into the hotel as I usually do, around 8pm. Because I had already been to dinner, I was heading into the hotel for the evening.
After wrapping up some computer work (dial-up internet back then – yuk), I read the local newspaper and watched some news. By 10pm I was done for the day.
I turned out the lights and fairly quickly fell asleep.
I don’t recall the actual time, likely after midnight, I woke to noise outside. I got up and looked out the window.
My window overlooked the front entrance of the building. Lined up in a row were 3 cars. Numerous women were getting out of the cars. All of them were dressed in what I could only imagine as a prostitute looking attire.
They were hanging all over the cars saying goodbye to the drivers who, one after another, drove away into the darkness of the night. One after another, nearly a dozen women paraded into the hotel lobby.
I was wide awake now as I wondered, had I made a reservation into a brothel? I had stayed in this hotel numerous times and had not seen this before. Nothing seemed unusual about the hotel staff or the random guest that I saw each time I had stayed here before.
I decided to ignore what I saw and go back to bed. As I started to fall asleep, another set of noises woke me.
In the room next to me I could hear what seemed to be a man and woman having a good time. I was blown away that the walls were this thin and or that this couple was this loud. As I wondered if I would ever be able to get back to sleep, I started to get just a little ticked off. My anger did not soar until I heard the next sounds. From the same room, two men started yelling at each other, arguing. I could not hear all that they were saying, but I clearly heard this phrase repeatedly, “My turn, It’s my turn!!!”
OK, it all came together now. The girls of the evening were not ending their shift, they were just getting started.
While the arguing and noise continued next door, I called the front desk. This is what I told the clerk, “I don’t care what is going on in the room next to me, but you need to move them before I call 911 and tell the cops that I think someone is getting killed. Got it?”
In less than a minute I heard the door open into the room next to me. All the noise stopped immediately. I heard a guy yell, “F*** him, who does he think he is?” I heard someone else tell him to calm down. Beyond a few more rustling noises, I heard nothing else.
Within a few more minutes I heard nothing more. Finally, all the noise was gone and I laid back down in hopes of going to sleep.
The alarm went off at 6AM. I showered, shaved and got dressed. I collected my belongings and left the room.
While checking out I asked the morning shift front desk clerk, “Who are your typical guests?”
“Regular businessmen like you sir,” was his reply.
“Did anything unusual happen last night?” I asked.
The clerk’s reply was, “No sir, the night guy just left and told me nothing new last night.”
I decided to leave without questioning anymore. I imagined that the night shift does not tell the day shift everything.
If any of these stories below are about you, please call me and admit to it.
A friend sent this to me via email. I could not confirm it’s on Darwin Awards page yet.
Yes, it is that time again for the Darwin Awards.
Read below and just shake your head in wonder.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from”
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
**Remember – They walk among us
A cowboy named Bob was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses, and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bob looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful herd gazing nearby and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bob says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bob.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
A friend told me that she had to do something this morning that she feared to do so, just a little.
She had to go to the Library.
This lady is a psychologist, well educated, smart and not afraid of anything, normally.
She told me that in grad school all she needed to do was write down the list of resource materials she needed and hand the list to the librarian, who then searched and collected the books for her.
This was not going to happen on this trip. She would have to research the books she needed and go find them herself.
We joked about walking into this massive room filled with row after row, after row of shelves. Shelves from the floor to the ceiling, far beyond our reach. Each shelf containing hundreds if not thousands of books.
We joked about wondering where to start. Would there be someone there to support her as she searched for those three or four books that she needed out of millions of choices?
We joked about how she would search. Would there be a micro-fiche available? Did the library still have the card files? Would there be a computer system with all the information? Would she remember how the Dewey Decimal system worked? Would there be someone there to help her when she got overwhelmed or lost in the abyss of books?
Preparing to write this post, I googled Dewey Decimal system. Check out this video – it’s funny.
I’m going to call my friend later today. I hope she found what she was looking for in the library and survived the experience. Not that it’s a new experience, but because it is slowly becoming an adventure of the past.
Maybe she gave up and went to Itunes or Amazon. We’ll see.