Category Archives: Humor

Generally Humorous stories

How many Lisas do you know

I originally wrote “How Many Mikes do you know.”

Here is what I discovered about the women in my LinkedIn Network.

Out of now 3890 people, here is a list of the women’s names that showed up 10 or more times each.

First Name Count
Lisa 41
Mary 29
Susan 26
Jennifer 22
Karen 21
Julie 20
Linda 19
Robin 19
Donna 18
Ashley 17
Amy 16
Ann 16
Kimberly 16
Lori 16
Stephanie 16
Angela 15
Barbara 14
Deborah 14
Amanda 13
Beth 13
Kim 12
Laura 12
Melissa 12
Tracy 12
Denise 11
Elizabeth 11
Heather 11
Kathryn 11
Pam 11
Sharon 11
Tammy 11
Teresa 11
Brenda 10
Cheryl 10
Debbie 10
Katherine 10
Michelle 10
Rachel 10
Sarah 10

Each of these individuals are unique in their own right, even though, not in name.

I hope you enjoyed this little un-scientific research.

Teddy

Halloween Costume Story

Halloween Costume Story

Halloween Costume StoryI found this on a Facebook post from a friend.

Funny Halloween Costume Story

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

She asked him, “did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”

Halloween Costume Story – could this happen to you?

Author unknown

Do you have a Halloween Costume Story?

The affects of the death of newspapers

newspapersAs we, as a society, decide that we no longer needs newspapers and magazines, there are many areas of our lives that will need to change as well.

Consider what you use newspapers for beyond getting the news. We all use newspapers for lots of daily tasks that we take for granted.

Hopefully we can find answers to the problems that the lack of newspapers will create for us.

We will need to work together in order to find answers to the problems that this change will create.

Here are 15 areas of our lives that we will need to adjust as we deal with the slow death of newspapers:

  1. Provide news – We can this virtually faster & from more sources than ever
  2. Provide coverage – Another source will need to be discovered quickly to cover up mistakes we make around the house
  3. Offer protection  – We have other sources of material for wrapping our fine china, but as in #2, we need to find other sources as well.
  4. Use in gift wrapping – Men, we may need to consider using real wrapping paper. Then save it for item #2 and/or #3
  5. Bottom of the bird cage – We need to find other sources of material for this. Maybe bright colored tissue paper from our gifts.
  6. Windshield cleaning – We may have go back to using bath towels and t-shirts for this
  7. Painting & project work – We will need to find another source of material for the small item painting, glueing and staining projects. I don’t want to use tissue paper for this.
  8. Help in writing – We have found our new sources of this. Our blogs, Tweets, Facebook statuses & LinkedIn articles are just a few.
  9. Use in arts and crafts – This could be the biggest challenge. What will we use for Papier-mâché projects. Easter eggs, dinosaur eggs, face masks, etc., etc. This could be a major catastrophe.
  10. Use in paper airplane making – Fortunately we still get brochures and flyers in the mail (for the time being). If we can do it without being caught, we can always raid the printer paper.
  11. Help in setting fire – This will be another area where we will need to find a replacement source of regular fire starting material. I’ve used tissue paper and love the bright colors of fire. Maybe this is the new source.
  12. To boost friendship – The ability to share articles, blog posts and social media posts has already replaced this task and expanded our ability to make new (ie virtual) friends.
  13. For a moment of peace – We have replaced reading the newspaper in peace with listening to PodCasts with our headphones on.
  14. Coupons – Fortunately our grocery stores and manufacturers are building digital solutions already.
  15. Puppy Training – We are not supposed to be smacking our puppies on the snout anyway.

This is just a short listing of the areas of our lives that will change. Surely, many people have other areas of their lives that will be affected adversely.

Yes, the days of using newspapers for much more than reading news are quickly disappearing.  Change occurs every day, let’s keep working thru this change together.

The polite way to say I have to pee

couple-diningDuring one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners decided to quiz her male students to see how they would handle this question. 

She was a little concerned as to the responses she could get from some of the men in the class, but decided to pursue the question anyway.

Here is what happened.

“Gentleman, how would you announce to your dinner date that you have to go to the restroom?”

“What about you Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.  I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'”

The teacher fainted.

My first Prostitute engagement

This is hotel story 2 of 6. This one is PG-13.

Earlier I wrote the story “Is this a brothel.” This one although not as bizarre, it’s funny to me.

I parked my rental car at the Microtel in Allentown PA, grabbed my suitcase and computer bag and slammed the door shut. I clicked the lock button on the key fab as I walked towards the entrance of the hotel.

prostitute in allentownSitting on the curb was a lady, dressed in a short dress, boots and looking just a little bit different than a typical hotel guest. I wondered if she was a hotel employee waiting for her ride home, but her attire was not what I expected for a hotel laborer. She did not look like she had done any work, yet. Her hair was all “done up” and she did not look like most people look after a hard day at work.

I did what I usually do when I walk past someone and said, “Hello.”

She responded appropriately, “Hi. Great night isn’t it?” I continued walking as I replied, “Yes it is. Have a great evening.”  This ended our initial engagement.

I checked into the hotel just as my memory kicked in. A few years ago I stayed in this hotel and experienced the prostitute activity, read “Is this a brothel?” I wondered, was this going to be a similar night?

I forgot about it all as I headed to my room. My mind was on one thing only – I was hungry. I dropped my bags in the room and headed back out the door.

I walked out the hotel entrance, thinking about what to eat. My plan was to drive down the street to the Outback. Heading towards my car, there she was again, my prostitute. This time she was standing next to the curb, as if waiting for me.

My Allentown Prostitute“Hello again. Where are you going?” she asked.

“I am going to get dinner. I’m starved.”

Her next statement caught me just a little bit off guard, “Do you want some company? I don’t want you to pay for my dinner, but I would love to keep you company as you eat. Maybe we can do a movie later too.”

I admit it took me just a second or two to develop my reply, “That is very nice of you. However, I want to be alone at dinner. It’s been a rough day and after dinner I am going to bed alone.”

She threw me another curve ball, “Are you sure, I can help you unwind if you want. I’m really good at helping men unwind.”

Again, it took a second or two for me to find the correct answer, “I appreciate the offer, but I absolutely do not need the company. Have a great evening.”  I opened my car door, slid into the car and waved good bye as I hit the lock button.

She barely waved back at me as she looked away towards another hotel guest who had just driven up.

I wondered if I would see or hear her again later that night. I did not.

Is this a brothel?

microtel-allentown-paThis is story 1 of 6. This story is PG-17.

I travelled to Allentown Pennsylvania often. The Microtel (4325 Hamilton Blvd, Allentown, PA, US, 18103) was close to the office I worked in, so I often stayed there. The rates were reasonable, rooms a little small, but they served the purpose – crash for the night and get a decent nights sleep before going back to work.

I remember two experiences staying here, that I want to share with you. Here is story number 1

I checked into the hotel as I usually do, around 8pm. Because I had already been to dinner, I was heading into the hotel for the evening.

After wrapping up some computer work (dial up internet back then – yuk), I read the local newspaper and watched some news. By 10pm I was done for the day.

I turned out the lights and fairly quickly fell asleep.

I don’t recall the actual time,  likely after midnight, I woke to noise outside. I got up and looked out the window.

My window overlooked the front entry of the building. Lined up in a row were 3 cars. Numerous women were getting out of the cars. All of them were dressed in what I could only imagine as prostitute looking attire.

prostitutes in allentownThey were hanging all over the cars saying good bye to the drivers who, one after another, drove away into the darkness of the night. One after another, nearly a dozen women paraded into the hotel lobby.

I was wide awake now as I wondered, had I made a reservation into a brothel? I had stayed in this hotel numerous times and had not seen this before. Nothing seemed unusual about the hotel staff or the random guest that I saw each time I had stayed here before.

I decided to ignore what I saw and go back to bed. As I started to fall asleep, another set of noises woke me.

In the room next to me I could hear what seemed to be a man and woman having a good time. I was blown away that the walls were this thin and or that this couple was this loud. As I wondered if I would ever be able to get back to sleep, I started to get just a little ticked off. My anger did not soar until I heard the next sounds. From the same room, two men started yelling at each other, arguing. I could not hear all that they were saying, but I clearly heard this phrase repeatedly, “My turn, It’s my turn!!!”

OK, it all came together now. The girls of the evening were not ending their shift, they were just getting started.

While the arguing and noise continued next door, I called the front desk. This is what I told the clerk, “I don’t care what is going on in the room next to me, but you need to move them before I call 911 and tell the cops that I think someone is getting killed. Got it?”

In less than a minute I heard the door open into the room next to me. All the noise stopped immediately. I heard a guy yell, “F*** him, who does he think he is?” I heard someone else tell him to calm down. Beyond a few more rustling noises, I heard nothing else.

Within a few more minutes I heard nothing more.  Finally, all the noise was gone and I laid back down in hopes of going to sleep.

The alarm went off at 6AM. I showered, shaved and got dressed. I collected my belongings and left the room.

While checking out I asked the morning shift front desk clerk, “Who are your typical guests?”

“Regular business men like you sir,” was his reply.

“Did anything unusual happen last night?” I asked.

The clerk’s reply was, “No sir, the night guy just left and told me nothing new last night.”

I decided to leave without questioning anymore. I imagined that the night shift does not tell the day shift everything.

Darwin Awards

darwinIf any of these stories below are about you, please call me and admit to it.

A friend sent this to me via email. I could not confirm it’s on Darwin Awards page yet.

Yes it is that time again for the Darwin Awards.
Read below and just shake your head in wonder.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer – $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

**Remember – They walk among us